This scares the sh!t out of me

Gavin is driving me nuts. He's talking nonstop and it seems like even single step instructions are needed to be repeated multiple times. Absolutely none of this is his fault. He's not trying to drive me crazy, and I do my best to keep that in mind, but that doesn't make it any easier to deal with. It's pretty overwhelming to face this day in and day out. The only silver lining is that Gavin is very happy and still being maintained in the home. I don't know how long that will last but all options are limited. We essentially have two options. Firstly, we could find a way to make things work at home. We would have to do that in such a way that doesn't negatively impact the…

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I f*cking hate having to micromanage my oldest sons life

Today's been incredibly challenging for a number of reasons, and I'm pretty stressed out as a result. Truthfully, I'd be stressed out anyway but whatever. Mr. Gavin is struggling a bit right now. Who am I kidding? He's struggling a great deal right now, and it's taking a toll. Is there a nice way to say he's driving me fucking crazy? One of the more recent issues is that Gavin has been cursing rather openly. I get that he's almost 20 years old, but the reality is that he's maybe 5 or 6 years old on the inside. It's like having a kindergartener dropping f-bombs and other words that he shouldn't be saying. I think in most cases he's parroting stuff from YouTube and we've tried to address this but…

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His #IVIG infusion was a disaster this morning and here’s why

Gavin's been having a difficult morning so far. It was IVIG infusion day again (as it is every Monday and Friday), and it did not go well. Lately, Gavin likes Lizze to place the needles in his belly because they don't often leak when she does it. Lizze and I are both concerned that Gavin isn't doing his own infusions anymore. It's imperative that he be able to perform these infusions on his own. Anyway, Lizze was going to help him as soon as she was done eating, but he either misunderstood or wasn't listening cause he went off and did it himself. Unfortunately, both needle placements failed and were leaking. That always pisses him off, and it's understandable. This means he has to be re-stuck, and that means more…

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His explosive temper is a major problem

We're becoming more and more concerned about Gavin's explosive temper. It doesn't take much to light his very, very short fuse. The end result is loud, aggressive, and violent. He had another blowout at therapy tonight, and it took considerable effort to get him calmed down. We spent some time listening to Gavin, tell us about his missions. It was confusing and difficult to follow. Afterward is when the trouble began. Essentially what happened was that everyone was joking around. Lizze and I were talking with Dr. Pattie, while the kids were playing. There was a disagreement over what they were going to play, and Gavin lost it. Emmett was upset because Gavin didn't want to play monkey in the middle like they have been recent. He made up a…

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He gets very angry and looks for something to hit

I wanted to briefly talk about therapy tonight because we spent it trying to address some problems we are experiencing with Gavin. We spent time talking with Elliott first, but then an issue arose with Gavin that sorta derailed things. Gavin is an amazing young man, who's come a very long way over the years. Unfortunately, Gavin also has a temper and very little ability to manage it. Roughly 80% of the time that Gavin makes a mistake or needs to be corrected, he loses his temper. This is usually because he can't accept ever making a mistake. When this happens, he gets very, very angry and will look for something to hit. Usually, that something is himself. He punches himself in the face or hits his legs. He also…

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The stress is unbearable

We're waist-deep in teenage and special needs growing pains. One of the more typical problems right now is that our house is way too small. No one besides Gavin really has their own space. Lizze and I do okay, but Elliott and Emmett are very much struggling right now. Elliott needs his space and Emmett isn't adjusting to the change. Wars are waged on the daily, and it's just getting worse. Their room is way too small for them, and the only actual personal space they have is their beds, and that's only if the boundaries are respected. Elliott and Emmett need their own space, and in our current situation, they just don't have it. Emmett needs the light on at night, and Elliott needs it off. Portable lighting doesn't…

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I feel so lost right now

I'm not having a good day today. I'm feeling enormously overwhelmed by everything in my life, and I honestly don't know how much more I can take. The things going on in this country are not okay. The things going on in my neighborhood are not okay. It's all so infuriating, overwhelming, and impossible for me to ignore. Everyone in my family (Lizze, Gavin, Elliott, and Emmett) are struggling with so much right now, and there isn't a goddamn thing I do to make their lives better. There's not enough of me to go around, and everyone needs more than I have left. I'm in a darker place than I've been in for a long while and pissed off at the world. There is absolutely no part of me that…

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Is this an adverse reaction to his antidepressant?

Emmett's been on Prozac for about a week or so now, and I noticed something today that I'm a bit concerned about. Frankly, I'm not sure why I didn't connect the dots sooner. Anyway, I've been noticing a significant increase in Emmett's energy levels. At first, I thought we might have to revisit his Adderall dose because his dose is very low. Today, however, it occurred to me that this may be related to going on Prozac. One of the ways that Bipolar is first noticed, especially in children is if they are put on an antidepressant. Use of antidepressants can cause someone who's Bipolar to swing into a manic phase. This is how we first became aware of Gavin having Bipolar disorder when he was little. This isn't an…

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