Survival of the…

…fittest is what my life feels like to me some times. I feel like things are so difficult that survival is next to impossible. Not impossible just next to impossible. Raising three Autistic children is the most challenging thing I have ever faced and I used to save lives and run into burning buildings for a living. Those of you with Autistic kids understand what I mean by challenges.  Nothing comes easy, ever. The things most people take for granted astound me. I would love to have the freedom to take my family out to dinner or even to church. However, it’s not something that is easily attainable.  There are far to many uncontrollable noises, smells and other stimulation out there that can and will set my kids on downward spiral to over stimulation. Especially Gavin, he is by far the most profoundly complex little blessing we have. Right now he is so unstable that doing anything with his is a crap shoot. He had a field last week to the library and nature center. He hid from the little stuffed animal monkey that was a prop for the story tellings and freaked out when he heard there was a place to vote for your favorite vampire from Twilight. They had pictures up on a board and you could vote for your favorite. Everyone voted and Gavin was freaking out because they said the word vampire.

I don’t know how to help him. I know he needs medication adjustments but we can’t do anything until we get in to see the movement disorder specialist. These behaviors and struggles are effecting everyone around him as well. Elliott is having a rough time also but we don’t know if these are his actual behaviors or is he just mimicking Gavin’s. Gavin has sucked Elliott into his imaginary worlds. I have to be very cautious of Elliott using his imagination because Gavin’s behaviors have contaminated him to the point that we don’t know where Gavin’s problems end and Elliott’s (if any) begins. It’s overwhelmingly frustrating and it’s becoming harder to separate Gavin from his behaviors, if that makes any sense. Gavin just makes everything more complicated. Most of these complications are outside of his control but some are not. There is an element of choice in much of Gavin does.  Over time as he gets older it’s harder and harder to tell what’s real and whats manipulation. It would be much easier if we knew where he was coming from some of the time. If we had more insight then we would know how to better curb these behaviors. As it stands, Gavin is an enigma wrapped up in a mystery and he continues to perplex Lizze and I and everyone of his doctor’s.

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