I’ve gone back and forth about whether or not I would publish this article. I honestly couldn’t tell why I struggled with this, but I’ve written and re-written this thing at least six times now. I don’t know why this was so tough for me, but without good reason to keep this to myself, I want to open up about some personal growth I’ve been experiencing lately. Maybe I can inspire someone or provide them with comfort or validation with my words.
So here we go.
I’m proud of myself, and while it’s not been an easy journey, I’ve come a long way. There’s always room for continued growth, and I’m never going to stop striving to be the best version of me possible. I also think it’s important to acknowledge the changes I’ve already made.
One of the things I have struggled with is self-worth. During my life, things have happened that left me feeling as though I was disposable, worthless, less than, unloveable, and in some ways, a complete failure.
I struggled with those feelings and wasn’t sure I would ever feel differently. I spent a great deal of time in self-reflection, trying to figure out where I was broken and how I would fix myself. That was an interesting journey for me, and feeling like you’re broken is awful.
Over time, I realized that I was never really broken in the first place. Once I recognized that I also began to recognize that I was worthy of love and deserving of happiness. That was a profound moment for me, and it wasn’t just one moment but rather a series of moments that, once strung together, had a significant impact on my life.
It took me the better part of a year to find myself. I know that sounds weird, but I left a very long-term relationship, and I felt it was probably not a bad idea to reconnect with myself before moving on with certain aspects of my life. I spent some time figuring out what makes me happy, what I wanted out of life, and eventually, what I want from a future life partner. I opted not to date until after my divorce was finalized, not necessarily because I felt I wasn’t ready. I wanted to make sure that I was emotionally available for one thing, but I also didn’t want to begin a new chapter of my life before closing out the previous one.
It’s just like with my writing. I don’t generally like to have multiple articles in various stages of development. I prefer to finish one and then move on to the next. It’s just a weird Rob thing, I suppose.
Someone recently told me that I appear to be still processing my divorce. That struck me because I have a tremendous amount of respect for this person, and I know that sometimes I can’t see the forest for the trees, meaning maybe I was just too close and didn’t recognize what was going on. I have found myself lost in deep thought over the last few days, pondering this, and I’ve realized something.
I don’t think it’s that I’m still processing my divorce, although I understand why it may appear that way on the surface. I’ve been a bit reserved, as though something was holding me back. I figured out what that something was, and it turns out it was me. I’ve been holding myself back in so many ways and I guess I hadn’t realized that. Well, I mean, obviously I hadn’t realized that. There’s something quite liberating when you discover that you are the only thing holding you back because that means the balls in your court.