I just want to say that I am really putting it out there with this blog post.
Today the proverbial "sh@t" hit the fan. Gavin was really struggling today. We were repeating ourselves over and over. He kept doing things to get himself in trouble. We would correct him and it seemed like 5 mins later he was doing it again. Everything came to a head tonight about 6pm. Gavin was sent upstairs to spent some time reading prior to going to sleep. He went up and then wanted to read the same book over and over. We asked him to pick a different book today because we are trying to keep him moving forward with his reading. That was all it took. He lost it. He was screaming as loud as he could he was hurting himself and yelling things to Lizze that were disrespectful. The two younger kids were frightened and Lizze was in so much pain from everything. We tried to defuse him but it was a no go. This meltdown was because he didn't get his way so we couldn't back down. He even got up and started running into his wall. He will hit himself as a means of getting attention. Lizze and I sometimes disagree on how to handle it. Anymore I say let him go because he is only hurting himself and if we engage him then I feel like we are rewarding the behavior. Obviously if he was seriously hurting himself we have to intervene.
This went on for well over an hour and you can hear him 4 or 5 houses down the block. Someone is going to call the police one of these days.
I just couldn't take it anymore. I had his two brothers scared our dog was going nuts (because she needs to protect us and him) and Lizze crying because she was in so much pain from working with him.
I went into his room I looked him in the eye and I told him that "he does not have the right to disrupt everyone's lives like this. He does not have the right to scream at his mother the way he did when she was just trying to help. He did not have the right to terrify his younger brothers. He did not have the right to damage my house and hurt himself." He look at me and screamed in my face. I responded with "if you are going to continue to be unsafe and destructive then you will have to find another place to live because everyone in this house deserves to feel safe including you".
I didn't mean it the way it came out. I forgot who I was talking to I guess. I was trying to make a point and I failed miserably. I momentarily forgot how literal minded he his. I guess I hit my breaking point. Emmett John hasn't slept in the last few days so we have gotten no sleep. Gavin has been very difficult the past few days. It's no excuse but I just snapped.
I apologized to Gavin and explained what I meant to say and that I wasn't making him find a new home. I felt like such and assh*#e. What kind of person says something like that to their special needs child?
He settled down and I gave him a hug and told him I loved him. I told him even daddy's sometimes say things they shouldn't. It was the only thing I could think to say.
I can't really believe I writing this post but I said the point of this blog was to be truthful. I want people to experience our lives though this blog. Well tonight wasn't one of my better nights. But this is the truth so if any of you out there ever said something you regret out of frustration and you thought you were alone you aren't. God I hope tomorrow is a better day.
LT
