Being a parent isn't easy. I don't think anyone would argue that statement. Being a special needs parents it's without a doubt, the most difficult endeavor of my entire life.
We are facing a very difficult reality right now with our oldest, Gavin.
Gavin's going to be 19 in a few months and we're still adjusting to him being an adult. My goodness, does that make me feel old. I've been raising Gavin as my own since he was about 15 months old. I legally adopted him many years ago and that was a moment I will never forget. I'll always look back on the day we went to court to make things final, as a blessing and a truly amazing experience.
My personal journey with Gavin has brought me a great deal of joy but also more than my fair share of heartache.
Gavin will be turning 19 this coming January but he will always be stuck around the age of 6 on the inside. I mean that literally. Gavin has the mental and emotional capacity of a 6-year-old. That's the best estimate anyway.
When he was younger, it was far less obvious then it is now. The moment Gavin opens his mouth today, it's without question that he's different than most other almost 19-year-olds and that's okay. Different doesn't have to mean something bad, it just means different, at least to me anyway.
As Gavin continues to get older on the outside, life with Gavin becomes more and more challenging for all of us.
One problem we're struggling with right now is Gavin trying to parent or discipline his younger brothers. As you can imagine, this *does not *go over well with the boys. No matter how many times we tell Gavin he needs to stop, he just does it anyway.
There is absolutely no part of me that believes Gavin is trying to cause a problem. In fact, I truly believe he's simply trying to help but doing so in a way that is inappropriate and creates major problems within the house.
The boys have begun to resent him for it and they're not shy about telling him so.
Both the boys are on the Autism Spectrum and have various other special needs of their own but for the most part, do pretty well. Maybe not so much when compared to their neurotypical peers but light years ahead of Gavin, in pretty much all things except age. That's not meant to be a dig at Gavin either. It's simply the reality we are living in.
Emmett is the youngest at 10 years of age and honestly, surpassed Gavin both cognitively and emotionally, a long time ago. The same goes for Elliott.
When Gavin tries to intervene, parent or discipline the boys, they don't take it very well. In all fairness to them, they were patient for a very long time but Gavin just doesn't quit and he also doesn't learn from his mistakes. Part of that is probably tied to memory problems and part of it is a lack of capacity.
Lizze and I are having to stay on top of him because that's the best chance we have of intervening ASAP.
He truly means well but as we all know, the road to Hell was paved with good intentions. At the end of the day, his intentions don't really matter because he keeps doing this, despite countless attempts to curtail this behavior.
I don't want there to be resentment between Gavin and his younger brothers. I don't want them lashing out at him either but at the same time, he just won't stop doing the things that are pissing them off. They aren't wrong for being upset. I get it. Gavin drives me crazy but I have the tools to cope with things, while the boys are still developing some of those skills.
Both Elliott and Emmett struggle with life in many ways. They tend to react rather than respond. They react to Gavin before thinking it through.
We had several situations today that resulted in screaming matches because Gavin was sticking his nose where it didn't belong.
We're going to be working on this at family therapy. I'm not sure how to address it on our own, so we'll continue to seek professional guidance.
This is just one of the many things that make parenting an adult child, very difficult. Knowing it will be at least this bad forever, not something I'm super excited about. In fact, it's a source of enormous amounts of my daily stress.
