So apparently I was on TV again over the last few days. I didn't know anything about it. My brother messaged me last night to say that he was going through the guide on his TV and he heard my voice in the background. He clicked over and *BAM *there I was. I guess is was a supercut from several of the interviews I'd given ABC News in 2020. I don't know because I haven't seen it.
I had been hearing from people over the last few days that they'd seen me on TV as well. These are people I've never met before and they felt compelled to reach out after hearing me speak.
Everyone was very nice and I love hearing from my readers/followers/listeners. What was a bit worrisome to me was that everyone I talked to mentioned the same thing. They all said that I make being a *single Dad to 3 autistic kids look easy.* That was followed by them sharing a bit about their lives, which I consider an honor to hear about.
Everyone's story was different but had the same basic premise. Everyone seemed to play down their own experiences because they assumed that my life was so much harder.
What concerns me about that is I feel like a fucking hot mess on a good day. Hearing people tell me about their lives and then make a statement to the effect of *but it's nothing compared to what you go through *is upsetting to me for a couple of reasons.
Firstly, I have never intended to send the message that managing my life is a cake walk. I don't ever think I make this look easy and frankly, I feel like a terrible example most of the time. Secondly, when they make a comment that *it's nothing compared to what I go through *I really feel like they aren't giving themselves enough credit.
If you've ever reached out to me and said something along those lines, I probably gently played if off and said something to affect of *everything is relative. *
By that I mean, as much as you think my life is harder than yours, I might not be able to walk around the block in your shoes. My goal has never been to make anyone feel inadequate or like they weren't doing enough in their own lives. It saddens me think anyone might feel like that.
Here's the thing. Yes, my life is challenging. No, I don't think just anyone could do this. That being said, this is all I know. I've adapted to this life and I've learned to navigate it over time. The days and nights cycle but the challenge is roughly the same every day. Most of the time, I'm fighting the same or similar battles and so I have had a lot of practice.
This is sort of like watching someone solve a puzzle in no time flat. They make it look so easy and it can be frustrating because we struggle with that same type of puzzle. We might feel like that other person is smarter than us or better at solving puzzles in general. That can lead to us feeling bad or inadequate.
What we fail to realize is that the person seemingly breezing through that puzzle, may have already solved it a hundred times already and have it memorized. It's not that they are necessarily smarter than us, they've just been working that same puzzle for a very long time. They make it look easy and they could probably solve it with their eyes closed because they've had so much practice. If you gave that same person, one of your puzzles to solve, they might very well be stumped. Does that make sense?
I'm just a Dad who's devoted his life to his kids. The big difference between me and many other parents out there is that I have a sizable platform. I use that platform to openly share my journey with the hopes of helping others to learn from my mistakes, realize they aren't alone, as well as helping to raise awareness. If I make it look easy it's only because I've been doing this over and over again, day in and day out for as long as I can remember. I've done it wrong so many times I've lost count. I'm not a better parent than you are. I simply know how to navigate my life and my particular set of circumstances.
I hear from so many of you and I'm often blown away by the determination, courage and love you have for your families. I can't tell you how many times I learned about someone's life and thought to myself, I have no idea how they do it. It's true and I always try to remind people that everything is relative. Sure, maybe they aren't up to walking a mile in my shoes but the same goes for me in regards to theirs.
When I step back and objectively look at my life, I recognize that it's challenging. Perhaps more challenging than others. I also know that I drop the ball all the time. I'm overwhelmed, exhausted, frustrated, scared, worried, imperfect, lonely, depressed and I sometimes struggle just to get out of bed. I've been trying to take better care of myself but I drop the ball there as well. Business is going better than it ever has in the past, but there are still bills I can't pay. My house is a mess and I can't seem to get my kids on a healthy, productive daily routine.
I feel like a hot mess most of the time and that's on the good days.
The one thing I can say for myself is that I keep trying and I never give up. I guess if I had to share one secret on how I manage life, it's that I never give up.
That's it.
I'm not necessarily a better parent or even a role model. I make more than my share of mistakes but I try my best to learn from them and move on.
When I listen to parents talk about the challenges in their lives, I see people who rise to the occasion and meet those challenges head on. Are they perfect? Of course not, but who is? Certainly not me. It doesn't matter what the challenges are or how they compare to my challenges or how mine compare to yours. The only thing that matters is you haven't given up.
We all have our limits and we all have our strengths. As humans we often compare our weaknesses to everyone else's strengths and we lose every single time. Each of our situations is unique and challenging in different ways. At the end of the day, we can learn from each other's experiences and use them to better navigate the pitfalls along the way. My hope is that you find hope, validation, compassion and understanding here at The Autism Dad blog. I seek only to be a positive influence and not to make anyone feel worse about their situation. Remember that I've been dancing this same dance for nearly 20 years now and I have it memorized. When something new pops up, I have to start over and figure out how to navigate the changes. Becoming a single parent has been one of those things that pops up and turns what I know on its head.
I'm always here to listen if you need sounding board. I try my best to be an example and help those newer to this journey to avoid the same mistakes that I made.
I have so much respect for all of you. Life as an autism or special needs parent isn't easy and not everyone can do it. You stuck around when others don't and that makes you a hero in my book. You're a badass, the best person to parent your child and a constant source of inspiration for me.
