No More Secrets.

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I am so tired of the secrets and drama. Our lives are tough enough without you making things worse. Perhaps the best way to end this, is to simply air this. I will no longer keep your secrets. This is my response to Lizze’s biological mother. Who injected herself into our lives of her own free will, only to cause us a tremendous amount of heartache and stress. She chose this path. Her email is in response to my post yesterday about Lizze’s health. Her email is unedited I only removed the header to conceal her address.  ————-

Rob,

For your information I gave Lizze all the medical information I had the first time she contacted me.
My father was one of twelve. To the best of my knowledge, and it is the only knowledge I have, the predominant medical conditions were cancers in many forms and heart conditions.
None of my nieces or nephews has any of the problems your boys seem to be suffering and no one has the problems Lizze has.
I gave her all the medical information I had at the time of her birth concerning her sperm donor. I have not kept in touch with him per our agreement for my not having an abortion.
After 30+ years perhaps things have changed medically for them as they have in my own family but I have no way of knowing that.
My decisions remain as they are and will remain so for the remainder of my life. I chose to give Lizze life rather than abort her. That is the bottom line. She is alive perhaps you can find a way to see that as a blessing. I’m sorry for the inconvenience of her testing but many of us  suffer the same way.
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This is my response. I have not addressed this issue until now. I am choosing to do it this way so nothing I say can be twisted and manipulated into something it’s not. I truly don’t think there is another way to put this to rest. My wife and kids deserve to be defended.
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Mary,

I don’t know how you live your life like this.  Everything you just said in your email were things we are hearing for the first time. You never told us any of that information before. In fact you said there wasn’t anything major at all. So how are we to believe you now?  What gives you the right to play with people’s lives the way you do? You chose to inject yourself into our lives. We welcomed you but respected your boundaries at all times.  You befriended and then betrayed my children. What kind of person does that, especially to special needs kids? What is wrong with you? Yes, I’m grateful you didn’t kill or “abort” my wife. But what kind of person even says something like that? This agreement you refer to is new information. You said her father didn’t know about her.



My wife, YOUR DAUGHTER, is suffering and in constant physical pain every day. They can’t figure out what is wrong. My children, YOUR GRANDCHILDREN, are suffering. I would die for anyone of them. I have given up everything I have in order to ease their suffering. I desperately wish their was more that I could do, but I can’t fix these things no matter how hard I try. I don’t believe I’m a “narcissist” as you have put it. Just because I put my family first doesn’t mean I have an agenda or do it for show. It’s called being a father and a husband. However, you are entitled to your opinion.  I don’t understand what would possess you to withhold information that that could make things easier for them? You called her testing an “inconvenience”.  What kind of “Mother” and I use that term loosely, puts herself before her children? What kind of “Grandmother” and I use that term loosely, puts herself before the health and wellbeing of her grandchildren? What Lizze is living through is not just an “inconvenience”. She is in pain and you are a selfish coward for saying that but that is just my opinion and I’m also entitled to it.

The only thing Lizze EVER,EVER asked of you was the truth. She didn’t need YOU, just the truth. She needed it to help Gavin.  Perhaps your over inflated sense of self worth clouded your judgment. Let me make this VERY CLEAR to you. WE DO NOT NEED YOU. We invited you into our lives because you were family. We had no expectations for you. We are and were grateful that you made the choice to give Lizze up for adoption. Not one person EVER looked down on you for that except maybe yourself.

We know you set us up with Trisha and John. Why did you want to pit us against each other? Trisha and John aren’t perfect parents and they have made mistakes but so have we. We aren’t perfect parents either. There is no such thing as a perfect parent. You are a great example of that. You used our fear, vulnerability to exploit a situation to your advantage. What kind of sick pleasure do you get out torturing your children? What’s worse, without a thought you did this to your grandchildren. They are innocent and should be treated as such. Why do you not want us to be happy? Why do you want to keep adding turmoil to our fragile lives?



You are clearily battling demons of your own creation. You have spun a web of lies through out your life and are now confusing them with reality. Everything is falling apart around you and now everyone knows the truth. I actually pity you. I hope you don’t let this whole thing destroy you. You should know we never judged you, not one time. Despite your paranoia, we were never out to get you. We respected you and appreciated you for who you were. We never asked anything of you. Gavin loved you unconditionally also. Now he is left to wonder what he did wrong, again. He will carry this burden for a long time because autistic kids are much more sensitive and don’t understand.

My entire family accepted you with open arms into the family. Everyone of them are grateful you made the choices you did back then. Our lives are so fragile and your actions have had a very negative impact on us. It didn’t have to be that way. Feel free to continue to read our blogs and observe our lives from the outside because you will NEVER have the privilege of viewing them form the inside again. I’m truly sad to know that my kids will never know you. I’m sad that the kids (and subsequently their families) you gave up for adoption are forever being punished for your paranoia. Is the truth something you really need to take to the grave, as you put it. I pray that we never find ourselves in a life or death situation that only the true medical information can help. I hope you are proud of your choice to “take that to the grave”. That is something I will never understand. Perhaps that’s because I’m not like you.

I’m not an extremely religious person but I truly believe you will have to answer to  God for your actions and he is the only one in a position to judge you. I pray he is more forgiving then I am. We will continue to pray for you. If I have to see a silver lining in this, it would be that we are finding our way back to the church. Lizze and I look forward to meeting with our priest and discussing many things. Amongst them, how to help move our family forward. We also look forward to renewing our wedding vows at church in front of our family and friends. Sadly you won’t be counted among them. Despite your efforts to derail our relationship with her sisters and NEWLY discovered brother, I know they will prevail. They are not like you and I’m truly grateful for that. I don’t believe we will ever get the truth from you. I don’t even think you know what the truth is anymore.

So this is over….

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Nikky
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Nikky

Being a child of a "sperm donor", I understand more then most what feelings are associated with bull shit (pardon the language) like this. I may not know the situation around Lizze's conception – and I don't need to. I think manipulation is not just a learned trait, but an inherited one. Rob I think you just got proof as to (besides HIS sperm donor- you are his FATHER) that Gavin got it from. Hearing the crap being spewed is obvious as to why the people who are RESPONSIBLE for creating the beautiful life we know as Lizze left. Because… Read more »

Lost and Tired
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Sorry it tool so long to reply. Thank you for sharing your story. I actually didn't know that about you. We are proud to have you in our family. Thanks for being a great friend.

Hang in there your almost done. Tell Chris and Jr. We said hello.

LT