Crumbling: An honesty post (part 2)

Anymore I feel like my ability to function has been reduced to such an extreme that I’m useless to everyone. My life has become so overwhelming that it literally feels like I’m suffocating. While we aren’t perfect parents every one of the doctors say we are doing everything right. It can be quiet demoralizing to do everything right but still not be able to help your kids. No matter what we do for Gavin it doesn’t seem to make a difference.

The amount of things we are facing is so daunting that I don’t even know where to begin. I know the 105F + heat right now probably plays a roll in this. We don’t have central air so the second floor is literally like walking into a sauna. The first floor is good because of the window AC and the fact that heat rises.

I guess I’m at a point where I look at everything that’s going on with Lizze’s health, ER’s anxiety, EJ’s everything and Gavin’s laundry list of issues from hearing voices to eating anything non-edible he can find and realize that no matter what I seem to do nothing helps. The feeling of being a failure creeps up again and again. I know many of you out there know what I talking about. No matter how unrealistic it is you feel you should be able to make everything better. I think every parent experiences that.

I try to look bad at previous posts in order to see how far we have come but honestly that can be pretty depressing because many times we find ourselves worse off then we were before. Sometimes I need a change of perspective but that can be hard to find anymore. I will say that I am so grateful for the blog and all of my readers because you have all been a source of inspiration and support. I love being able to do posts like this and not be judged. It really is therapeutic to be able to write down all of these feelings and leave them here.

There’s no easy button for what I have going on but I wish that sometimes I had a “Possible” button.

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7 comments

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  1. I think getting your "wits" back maybe easier said then done. I think mine has joined yours or will be shortly!

  2. Mylinda,,

    AWOL+ Away without leave.

    Like in the military. I was being sarcastic because we can never find his MRDD rep.

    🙂

  3. Yes I understand. It took 11 years to get the MR/DD waiver for my child. Our state did have other limited services tho. What is AWOL?

    By the way mine is 21 years old now. She lives in her own apartment with 24/7 supports from the waiver. Sometimes it works…

  4. Lizze and I are both being treated for depression. I'm actually thinking about meeting with my doctor to discuss adjusting them. I have put on weight since I started them and that screws with my back. I would also like to get my wits back if that makes sense. It's like I think in slow motion sometimes. I've been on them for a few years now and I would like to get back into weight lifting and exercise to naturally treat the depression. And let's be honest meds can only do so much when your life is in constant chaos.

    And we love you too

  5. I get the useless feeling on many levels -although not the "same" … I came to the realization last night I'm dealing with some PPD. Given your ongoing battle have you discussed all of this with Patti? :-/ not hot on the idea of adding a daily med for me, and I'm sure your not either – but if it helps? <3 u guys

  6. Hello again,

    You said you were in Ohio. Do you get services for your son? Like from your state's office of MR/DD services.

    Thanks,

    Mylinda

    1. Yeah we are in ohio. All the MRDD laws are changing. Anyway, Gavin isn't in the system he's MRDD but his rep is AWOL. We can't get a hold of anyone. The other problem is that they tend to push for hospitalization. But we are currently working on it. We are trying to get family approved as care givers so we can use them as respite.

      Always a pleasure

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