A big old fat honesty post

Gavin is a very popular topic on this blog. That is because it seems he always has something going on. I also need to vent as his behaviors and choices can be…….frustrating. Gavin is once again the topic of this post. I know I might sound cruel but I don’t see the point in trying to sugar coat the truth. I love Gavin very much but that doesn’t mean I’m not human. I get frustrated, overwhelmed, angry and exhausted just like everyone else. Please keep that in mind…

Gavin is at a point or phase where he has become VERY unstable. By unstable I mean, easily aggjtated, unpredictable, scattered, intolerant, disconnected, confusing and increasingly more violent towards himself. All these things are not out of character for Gavin, however, the degree of which he now experiencing these things is. I’m a patient person but I can only take so much. Today alone we have already had 3 “situations” involving Gavin and his behaviors. If it were just involving him, while not good, it would be one thing. However, these situations involve Elliott and Emmett. Sometimes it’s safety concerns and other times he’s just mean.

I have no tolerance for his behavioral issues right now. We put our lives on hold yesterday once again to try to get him help as a result of his self-injurious behaviors. He terrified Elliott and Emmett and once again was a horrible example for them. I don’t know what’s going on with him but whatever it is needs to stop.

In many ways, Gavin has more influence over his brothers than even I do. Elliott and Emmett repeat Gavin’s behaviors on an almost daily basis. These behaviors include self-injury as well as verbally attacking themselves (more Elliott then Emmett). They look up to Gavin and follow his example. Gavin is NOT a good example and I’m SO tired of constantly doing damage control in order to lessen the impact he has on the boys. To say it’s exhausting is an understatement.

As absolutely terrible as it sounds I was really hoping he was going to get admitted to psych unit at Akron Children’s Hospital yesterday. They wouldn’t take him but instead made him sign a behavioral contract. What’s the point of that when he’s already forgotten about it. If he hurts himself again we are supposed to return to Akron…why? I don’t know because they didn’t say.



I’m emailing Dr. R in the morning because something has to give. The summer is upon us and we are not going to survive it if something doesn’t change. Gavin continues to get bigger and stronger. That equates to being more dangerous to both himself and those around him.
Anymore I could just scream because I’m beyond my limit. Beyond my ability to cope with everything. Does that make me weak…? Maybe…it does. I never quit trying… That’s gotta count for something…right? I have kind of a lot on my plate and Gavin isn’t the only thing I have to worry about. I have three other people in various places on the spectrum to worry and other various health problems to about and that’s not easy.
I honestly do my best, but my best just isn’t good enough. I don’t mind admitting this because it’s the truth. Perhaps my truth will helps others to have a better understanding of what a special needs parent can go through…..well at least what this special needs parent goes through anyway.

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    • Breezy1 on December 6, 2012 at 9:08 am
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    I just found your page as I was browsing through the Internet. Oh who am I kidding, I was googling autism and behaviors and puberty and a myriad of other terms, seeking answers that I know don’t exist but still being the eternal optimist.  I don’t share on the Internet. Ever.  It’s just a choice I’ve made.  A sort of “suffer in silence” mentality. Anyway, after living with an Aspie for 17 years, and reaching what I thought was the very bottom last night, I have to say that your posts have given me the courage to keep on keeping on. Everything you’ve posted are things we go through every damn day. We try so hard to do the right thing, the best thing. I’ve read every parenting book know to man. Our free time (she said with tongue firmly planted in cheek) is spent at therapies and doctors and groups and pharmacies and hospitals. We live our lives always waiting for the other shoe to drop. And when it does, oh boy! We used to have hopes and dreams that our son would be able to lead a normal life. We keep changing our definition of normal. Puberty and the hormones have hit him hard and living with a 6’2″ – 250 lb autistic kid having a meltdown is terrifying. We hold our breathe and hope that we all come through this. Just knowing that there are other families out there facing the same challenges gives me strength. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

    • Kellie on May 31, 2011 at 8:37 am
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    Hugh has just starting to hit me in the face, poke me in the eye, and kick. He is only 3 and I am worried about how to discipline these actions. I too feel like Im weak and am not doing it right. I am fearful of the future for when he gets bigger. He has even pulled a ladys hair as we walked past her in the shopping centre. I in no way get the feeling that you are weak! In fact I would say your the strongest person I know, well know about.
    I have not yet needed to think about an escape plan but I do often think 'what did I do wrong to deserve this?' I certainly did not see this coming and am still mourning for what our lives could have been.
    I will continue to pray for you all, especially Gavin.
    Stay strong and keep on bloggin
    xoxox

    • Evelyn on May 30, 2011 at 11:42 pm
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    I wish I knew what to say…my little guy is only 4, and so I still am bigger than him, and don't even want to imagine what issues he may have when he's older. All I can tell you is that I don't sense anything resembling "weakness" in the least. It sounds to me like you are so very strong, so very patient, and dealing with SO VERY MUCH. I hope and pray it gets easier for you.

    • diane on May 30, 2011 at 6:37 pm
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    I hear you and know I too have those feelings of wanting an escape plan. I do have that plan, voluntary placement via the regional center or really CPS but with regional center home who would get paid mega bucks to do what I do (and what you do too). My sisters or family couldn't do my oldest for 30 mins let alone a whole summer.

    Just having that escape plan does help get through the hardest of daze. Some daze I just feel like I am missing out on life and if I could only "fill myself up" I could do anything again. Just to ride bikes with my "near normals" would be so fun I dream. Just to have a day without the level of hypervigilance that my oldest requires…dang,…just to sleep past 4am one day..then I could do anything again.

    We know how easy other folk have it. We know they can do so many other things because they are not attending to…the hardest of human children. I used to be able not to think of the normies of the world…

    shit, just writing for 5 mins I have the biggest poopfest to clean up….Oh well, I need to coach someone who is the most like me…doing the very hardest of jobs and wondering if we still have it do keep going….

    so, at least you have a mate, at least you have your blog so do that gratitude thang when this shit gets this hard. and I always keep in the back that escape plan….it saves me…the bummer is when you actually ask for it, they can't find that family to take over…but they do load me up with copious hrs of respite….

    so, no winning this gig…just keep going..and of course blogging it out so you can do the next day…alas I only get to "comment"' and that costs me big….I'll take the break just the same.

      • Lost_and_Tired on May 30, 2011 at 7:07 pm
      • Reply

      Thanks Diane



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