Gavin is a very popular topic on this blog. That is because it seems he always has something going on. I also need to vent as his behaviors and choices can be…….frustrating. Gavin is once again the topic of this post. I know I might sound cruel but I don’t see the point in trying to sugar coat the truth. I love Gavin very much but that doesn’t mean I’m not human. I get frustrated, overwhelmed, angry and exhausted just like everyone else. Please keep that in mind…
Gavin is at a point or phase where he has become VERY unstable. By unstable I mean, easily aggjtated, unpredictable, scattered, intolerant, disconnected, confusing and increasingly more violent towards himself. All these things are not out of character for Gavin, however, the degree of which he now experiencing these things is. I’m a patient person but I can only take so much. Today alone we have already had 3 “situations” involving Gavin and his behaviors. If it were just involving him, while not good, it would be one thing. However, these situations involve Elliott and Emmett. Sometimes it’s safety concerns and other times he’s just mean.
I have no tolerance for his behavioral issues right now. We put our lives on hold yesterday once again to try to get him help as a result of his self-injurious behaviors. He terrified Elliott and Emmett and once again was a horrible example for them. I don’t know what’s going on with him but whatever it is needs to stop.
In many ways, Gavin has more influence over his brothers than even I do. Elliott and Emmett repeat Gavin’s behaviors on an almost daily basis. These behaviors include self-injury as well as verbally attacking themselves (more Elliott then Emmett). They look up to Gavin and follow his example. Gavin is NOT a good example and I’m SO tired of constantly doing damage control in order to lessen the impact he has on the boys. To say it’s exhausting is an understatement.
As absolutely terrible as it sounds I was really hoping he was going to get admitted to psych unit at Akron Children’s Hospital yesterday. They wouldn’t take him but instead made him sign a behavioral contract. What’s the point of that when he’s already forgotten about it. If he hurts himself again we are supposed to return to Akron…why? I don’t know because they didn’t say.
I’m emailing Dr. R in the morning because something has to give. The summer is upon us and we are not going to survive it if something doesn’t change. Gavin continues to get bigger and stronger. That equates to being more dangerous to both himself and those around him.
Anymore I could just scream because I’m beyond my limit. Beyond my ability to cope with everything. Does that make me weak…? Maybe…it does. I never quit trying… That’s gotta count for something…right? I have kind of a lot on my plate and Gavin isn’t the only thing I have to worry about. I have three other people in various places on the spectrum to worry and other various health problems to about and that’s not easy.
I honestly do my best, but my best just isn’t good enough. I don’t mind admitting this because it’s the truth. Perhaps my truth will helps others to have a better understanding of what a special needs parent can go through…..well at least what this special needs parent goes through anyway.