Confession of a special needs father: Guilt and a plethora of emotions

The boys are in rare form this morning. Lizze is miserable and I’ve lost a great deal of motivation. I have to make a phone call this morning that I never thought I would have to make

I have to call a residential treatment facility and make arrangements for Gavin to be admitted.

Just writing this makes me sick to my stomach.  The place he would be going is by Lake Erie,  north of the Cleveland Clinic.  I haven’t seen it on a map but I’m pretty sure I’m at least close.

They come highly recommended and we’ve checked them out before.



I don’t want to make this call.  I don’t want to have anything to do with this. No parent should ever have to do this to their child, it’s just not right. However,  those of us that have to make this heartbreaking decision, do so out of love, not anger. We do this because we want our child to have a future.

It’s difficult to find the words to describe what I’m feeling right now. If this all goes the way we expect it to,  we have no idea how long Gavin will be gone.

What do we tell Elliott and Emmett?

How do we not feel guilty when life in the Lost and Tired household improves because we aren’t dealing with Gavin‘s behaviors?

That’s something I would really like to know. Why does doing the right thing have to feel so horribly wrong? Why does it have to hurt so much? Is Gavin going to resent us or worse,  even hate us for doing this?  How can we explain to him what is going to happen?

Right now, I’m a plethora of emotions and I feel hope, despair, grief,  confusion and loss,  all at the same time.

Life needs to come with an instruction manual..

This was posted via WordPress for Android, courtesy of Samsung’s Galaxy S III. Please forgive any typos. I do know how to spell but auto-correct is working against me.

-Lost and Tired

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This was posted via WordPress for Android, courtesy of Samsung’s Galaxy S III. Please forgive any typos. I do know how to spell but auto-correct is working against me.

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About Rob Gorski

Father to 3 with Autism and husband to my best friend. Oh...and creator fo this blog. :-)

  

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Mary Franzen Costell
Guest

Rob, few posts really make me want to cry. This one does. I wish I had words of comfort. I can only say I think you redoing the right thing for everyone, including Gavin. You are giving him a chance. Prayers.

Eileen Mahan Scott o
Guest

I agree that this decision gives all of you a chance for a better future. I have worked so hard for 19 years to make the world tolerable and not too scary for my son…and I still fail at times. It can be exhausting and takes a toll on everyone. I believe that Gavin will adjust and will probably settle in to a more comfortable and controlled environment which will make him feel more secure. Special needs parents already feel guilt most of the time…turn it around to all the positive outcomes that are possible!! Prayers and best of luck… Read more »

Marlene Barnett
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Marlene Barnett

Rob- just keep pushing yourself forward. You are doing the right thing. Even though your insides are being twisted inside out. Hopefully in the future, Gavin will thank you for what you are doing for him. My son did thank us. He feels more secure where he lives now then when he was at home. It’s horrible to hear but it’s coming from the horses mouth itself. Now for Emmett & Elliot they need to know as much as they can handle. Tell them that sometimes when you love someone they can not live at home with the family. He… Read more »

Chris
Guest
Chris

I can't image the weight of it all. What you're doing, you are doing out of love from what I can see.

Mary Franzen Costello on Facebook
Guest

Rob, few posts really make me want to cry. This one does. I wish I had words of comfort. I can only say I think you redoing the right thing for everyone, including Gavin. You are giving him a chance. Prayers.

Kathy Buehler
Member
Kathy Buehler

It is right, and very, very difficult. I know of no parent who has walked this road who has felt only relief. There is always the sadness and sense of failure, but you just have to believe that some things just need more intervention than any parent is able to provide. Look at everything else you have tried, much more than a lot of us, and now you are trying the residential route. You and Lizzie and the boys need this. Gavin definitely needs this. It will not seem so strange once a new rhythm is found. He will adjust,… Read more »

Eileen Mahan Scott on Facebook
Guest

I agree that this decision gives all of you a chance for a better future. I have worked so hard for 19 years to make the world tolerable and not too scary for my son…and I still fail at times. It can be exhausting and takes a toll on everyone. I believe that Gavin will adjust and will probably settle in to a more comfortable and controlled environment which will make him feel more secure. Special needs parents already feel guilt most of the time…turn it around to all the positive outcomes that are possible!! Prayers and best of luck… Read more »

Elizabeth S
Guest
Elizabeth S

My husband who went through some of this with our child (violent, destructive behavior) thinks removing them from their home – a familiar place where they are comfortable – is the worst thing you can do. I agree. I am the one that posted about the high doses of EPA fish oil that stopped my son's tantrums. Is there any way you can try that first? It is expensive, but it lessens the inflammation that causes the outbursts. I have also found evidence that fish oil really CURES the problem by helping to remove neurexin from nerve terminals. The nerves… Read more »

Rob Gorski
Admin

I appreciate what you’re trying to do, I really am. However, not every child has problems for the same reason. I’m thrilled that your son responded to something like that, however, Gavin is very different. He is much, much more complex than that. I’m aware of fish oil but Gavin has very deep rooted mental health issues behind what he is going through. Fish Oil has no impact on this. I will however, bring this up to the doctor when we speak to him. I’m open to anything that could possibly help. 🙂

Elizabeth S
Guest
Elizabeth S

If you spent half the time researching that you spend complaining about Gavin's condition, you might learn that fish oil is VERY effective at helping a lot of your son's problems. I have a friend that reads your blog and she wanted me to give you some suggestions because your son has the same symptoms mine did and mine is now stable for 8 months from these problems. I am sorry you have been lied to repeatedly about your son being "very different" and "much, much more complex". The fact is, these children are all VERY MUCH the same and… Read more »

Rob Gorski
Admin

You are so misguided. Every child on the spectrum is profoundly dynamic. That means different. I suggest you research before spreading misinformation and giving parents false hope. Regardless of how your child reacted to fish oil, DOES NOT mean it is appropriate for every child, including my son. Your statements are quite ignorant and honestly sorta arrogant as well. Not only is it irresponsible to make statements like "The fact is, these children are all VERY MUCH the same and have the same underlying problems and respond to the same nutritional interventions" but it show a complete lack of understanding… Read more »

autiesmama
Guest
autiesmama

I'm sorry. I'm sure that every part of you is tied in really tight, hard knots right now, and I truly can't imagine your grief and guilt–this is saying quite a bit, because if there's parental guilt to be borne, well, I'm first in line :). I know there are many of us who say, "no parent should have to do ____________ ," and it's true. But we do it. You're doing it. Because you're a good parent to all of your sons. You're a good husband and a good man and it's confuses everyone when shit rains down on… Read more »

Rob Gorski
Admin

That was really, really well said. I don\’t think you sounded cold at all. Sometimes we have to take the emotion out so that we can do the right thing. Thank you.

CaseManagerD
Guest
CaseManagerD

You need a family therapist that can help all of you process and get through this.

Rob Gorski
Admin

We actually have one. She does a fantastic job. Great suggestion though. I think many people don\’t realize how much help a family therapist can be.

Magimom
Guest

Rob, I've been there, done that and know just where you are. The guilt is unreal and the feeling of failure is immense. I will keep the entire Lost and Tired clan in my prayers as you journey this direction. Take care of you and yours and let the professionals handle Gavin's issues and hopefully things WILL level out for you all.