Safety is priority, not comfort

      28 Comments on Safety is priority, not comfort


I wanted to update you all as to what is going to happen this week with Gavin.  At this point, honestly, I think he’s coming home. I don’t like the idea because I know that nothing has changed with Gavin and it will only be a matter of time before this happens again.

I don’t mean to sound cold but it’s not safe to have Gavin in the house right now. 

At this point in time,  barring some miracle,  when Gavin is released this week,  he will return home. Lizze and I both,  have mixed feelings about this. 

One one hand,  we miss our son.  However,  on the other hand, we can’t absorb much more of his behavior.  The stress in the house when he’s home is unbearable and I can’t allow it to continue.



Right now we are making plans for him to return.  Those plans include major safety precautions. 

We are going to move Elliott’s bed into our room.  At night,  we are going to lock ourselves in our room.  That means that Elliott,  Emmett,  Maggie, Bella,  Cleo, Lizze and myself will all sleep behind a locked door.

I’m reinstalling an alarm on Gavin‘s door.  I say reinstalling because he broke the one currently in place.



We are going to put a padlock on the closet in the bathroom as well as the cabinets in the kitchen.  All silverware and knives will be moved into those locked cabinets.  Anything that can be used as a weapon will have to be secured or removed from the house,  not that we have weapons but you get the point.

I don’t mean this to sound dramatic but I think it’s pretty much a common sense move.

Read This  Do your kids sleep like this?

We’ve done the lock ourselves in our room thing before when things got bad. It’s not fun and I can’t imagine it sends a good message to Gavin but the reality is that safety is the priority here and Gavin has proven to be very dangerous.  We can’t afford to take any chances. 

Our options are extremely limited at this point because of his complexity.  Aside from the Cleveland Clinic,  Rainbow Babies and perhaps something in Columbus,  there is nowhere that is equipped to handle his needs.
I’m really trying to find a silver lining here but I just do the see one.  I’m really nervous about Gavin coming home.  I love him tremendously but he’s a threat to himself and those around him, when he gets upset.  I have to keep everyone safe and until we figure something else out,  we’ll have to run the Lost and Tired household like a prison.

I know this may seem like I’m making a big deal out of nothing hut those of you out there that have personal experience with things like this,  know exactly what I’m talking about.

Perhaps Akron Children’s Hospital will be able to figure something out. Maybe they can get him into Cleveland,  I think that would be ideal for right now. 

Fingers crossed…

**Thanks for reading**

       -Lost and Tired

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About Rob Gorski

Father to 3 with Autism and husband to my best friend. Oh...and creator fo this blog. :-)

  

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Mike
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Mike

No, I don't think anyone would think you are making something out of nothing. At least this is something I can maybe help with as security is sort of an obsession of mine. I'll certainly be giving it some thought tonight and maybe I can at least throw some ideas at you that you might not have considered. I realize that you feel a tremendous amount of guilt, and someone saying you shouldn't, especially some guy on the internet you've never met saying it, means nothing. But as an outsider looking in, as a man with no dog in the… Read more »

Rob Gorski
Admin

Thanks again. I would welcome any security advice you could offer. 🙂

autiesmama
Guest
autiesmama

Sometimes, there are no silver linings, I suppose. I've felt that way, and sometimes I've even been right. It sucks. But you do what you have to do–what other options do you have? This is real and you are in it. I am, as always, so very sorry you have so much in front of you and so little to fall back on, but at least you have a working (albeit unwanted) understanding of what you can do to keep your family safe. That's more than you had when you started, I would imagine. Cold comfort, if any at all,… Read more »

Rob Gorski
Admin

You have a way with words. Thank you so much for everything. I really appreciate you taking the time to share your thoughts. It means a great deal. 🙂

Marlene Barnett
Guest
Marlene Barnett

We live like that, too. Actually to this very day.
We lock our bedroom and keep the knives & scissors out of sight.
Its a horrible way to live, but this is the lousy system we live in. Everyone needs to be safe. You are doing the right things.
Something really bad has to happen in order to get the help you need.
It’s so scary for you and your family.
I cry for you as I re-live my old nightmare.
Hopefully, a miracle will happen for your family and mine.
Good luck.

Maria Hall on Facebook
Guest

If you want to contact me send me an inbox message. I have been there and done that. My son no longer lives with me. I too slept with knives hidden under my bed, keys under my pillow. I too tried to get my son into residential care that everyone determined he was not ready for (apparently not until they kill you) and had them all asking but how will you pay for it, someone has to pay for it, it is something that goes through a complex process I do not understand but know causes many problems for parents… Read more »

Rob Gorski
Admin

Thank you so much for sharing that. I actually have been through family council a few times over the years and made the call again this morning. Hoping to hear something in the morning. Thank you so much for the awesome advice.

Kathy Buehler
Member
Kathy Buehler

Man, and I believed this would really work for all of you! Such a system! Yes, it is crazy to lock yourselves and the little guys in a room, but I have also had to do that…no real choice, and sometimes the safety is comforting. Have a written safety plan in place, and if (when) he escalates, call the police to start the process over again, this time the police doing the transport while you stay behind. Oh, yes, there are tears involved, on all sides, but it is a lesson not easily forgotten. Also, if he has medicaid, he… Read more »

Rob Gorski
Admin

Thank you Kathy. I really appreciate it. 🙂

MaryAnn
Guest
MaryAnn

Rob and Lizze: don’t ever apologize for putting safety first. I feel for you and your family; what you’re going through is the worst horrible nightmare which no parent should ever have to go through. As a. 46 year old woman suffering severe fibromyalgia and arthritis and heart trouble, I cannot begin to imagine how Lizze must be suffering. You and she are my role models of courage and bravery. Elmmetf and Elliot deserve to be if red of abuse, be it violent or sexual. You have given Gavin every chance in the world to change his ways and he’… Read more »

Rob Gorski
Admin

MaryAnn

Thank you so much. I really appreciate your kind words. 🙂

Brianne
Guest
Brianne

Have you looked into Fairview hospital? I know they have child inpatient.

Rob Gorski
Admin

No I haven\’t. However, I will look into it the morning. Thanks a lot. 🙂

chloe
Guest
chloe

HUGS! Thinking of you all! Just had an idea, what if you tried the positive token system? To see if maybe the positiveness of it helped? I don't' know just trying to think.
My recent post Dreams really do come true! Different… Not Less, We Need Acceptance, not just awareness!

Rob Gorski
Admin

Chloe,

Thanks for all the ideas. Your awesome. I really, really, really appreciate it. 🙂

MaryAnn
Guest
MaryAnn

Forgive the typos: I meant Elliot and Emmett deserve to live safely free of abuse.

Also, if and when I receive my disability, may I contribute a small gas card for your family? It won’t be much but I’d like to contribute a small something for your family

chloe
Guest
chloe

Also Rob, are you aware of the new Self-Waiver through the board of DD in OH? They have one for kids who have severe behaviors etc.
My recent post Dreams really do come true! Different… Not Less, We Need Acceptance, not just awareness!

Brianne
Guest
Brianne

After talking with a friend she said that Rainbow also has child inpatient. I know it's quite a drive for you guys, but if they can help him out, it also might be worth a look.

Hugs and prayers of strength!

Jodi p
Guest
Jodi p

Security ideas Alarms on doors. Bedroom and main house doors Locks with keys on doors ( of some sort if you can keep key on you all times) If you can make a “safe room” or time out room so to speak with no dangers in the way Hockey helmet with cage or kickboxing helmet for SIBS Along with mits of some sort to lessen hits to Head face. Reduce scratches Keep glass plates cups out of reach sight etc Too hard to do but my group home has tvs mounted on Walls behind plexi glass Install supervision unless he… Read more »

Rob Gorski
Admin

Jodi,

These are fantastic ideas. Thank you so much for coming up with those. 🙂

Brianne
Guest
Brianne

After talking with a friend she said that Rainbow also has child inpatient. I know it's quite a drive for you guys, but if they can help him out, it also might be worth a look. I started google-ing places in ohio. I'm not sure if any of them are close, but a few offer transportation to them. http://www.mh.state.oh.us/what-we-do/provide/hosp

Kathy Wolf Angles on Facebook
Guest

I wish you all the best. I hope you and the family are safe. I wish you or Liz would call me. Thomas can sometimes be this angry too. And what you have been thru and are going thru now could help me with him. He has stabbed me with a fork coz I wouldn’t let him do something dangerous. He has tried to push my mom down the steps to get her out of his way. and he throws things at us when he is mad. They say he doesn’t have asperger’s just behavioral issues. I wish you all… Read more »

Rob Gorski
Admin

Hi Kathy. I\’m sorry to hear that Thomas has similar behaviors. In Gavin\’s case, I don\’t think it has anything to do with Asperger\’s. I certainly doesn\’t help matters but the main problem is the mental health issues he inherited from his biological father.

Diane
Guest
Diane

Hi Rob – I've done the same safety things with knives, etc. My child has been inpatient at Fairview Hospital, Riverside Hospital and St. Cloud Children's home (there for 9 months – brought him in a couple of years ago Christmas Eve – that sucked). I don't live in your state, but maybe some hospitals around have inpatient. I know the guilt of being so relieved that you have peace when your child is not at home, but then feeling like crap because you are relieved that your child is not home and you have peace. It's a round robin.… Read more »

Jodi p
Guest
Jodi p

I work in a behavioural group home for individuals with behaviors and developmental disabilities
All on various behaviour programs with behaviour needs.

Also I work in a school for children
With autism.
Most of those strategies I’ve used or seen used before. And they have all been approved by behaviour therapists. Doctors. Paychiatrist etc.

Jodi p
Guest
Jodi p

Another idea is if you have an ensuite bathroom

Move him
Into master. Lock him in there at night.
That way he has acess to bathroom
But not rest of house

Or put some sort of video survelance in his room

aimee
Guest
aimee

What if you simply say ‘No.’ He is an obvious danger to everyone in the household (including himself) so tell them ‘No. YOU do YOUR job and find a place to put him, because we’re not taking him home in this state.’ I mean, is that a legal option? I know in some states there are emergency plans they can put into place ( For Christ’s sake who ever PLANS to lose their effing mind at a certain time & place? So of course they should be accustomed to finding last minute placement. I think I would politely let them… Read more »

Lupe Robledo on Facebook
Guest

I live in Texas and with my son, it got to the point of where he got arrested. Being detained does nothing since they don’t provide any type of counseling/help. Due to his behavior & diagnoses, there aren’t any RTC’s that will take him. I understand what you are going through in having mixed feelings about Gavin going back home & his dangerous/reckless behavior. The justice system will not resolve or help with his behavior. It’s sad that there are no other precautions that can be made or other places that are better suited to help our children. Wish you… Read more »