Every once in awhile, I like to share something deeply personal. I do so in these Confessions posts. Today I want to share something that really has me torn, deep down inside.
That something, is how I’ve felt since Gavin left yesterday.
I’m not going to rehash all that we go through when Gavin is home, because you can simply read back to find that out.
I will say that Gavin’s behaviors add an extreme level of both stress and distress, to everyone in the household. It’s so bad that we are looking for residential placement but have hit multiple obstacles, namely his health issues.
Gavin left for Lizze’s parents house for the weekend. We both hate the idea of having to send one of our kids away, in order to relieve everyone’s stress. Having said that, it’s become a necessary evil absent of any type of residential care.
Gavin was picked up less than 24 hours ago, but already, the stress in the house has dissipated.
Everyone is more relaxed ad actually slept for nap time.
Elliott and Emmett are getting alone better and that’s a pretty big deal.
Speaking for myself, I have found myself much calmer and far less stressed. This is where the guilt comes into play. I could very easily, find myself getting good used to this relative peace and quiet. I don’t miss Gavin’s behaviors at all and I would hazard to guess, no one else does either.
That’s not to say we don’t miss Gavin himself, but anymore, it’s very difficult to separate him from his behaviors.
I know rationally, that I shouldn’t feel guilty because it’s quite human to feel this way. However, it’s really hard not to feel guilty about recognizing that everyone’s life improves with the absence of a single member of your family.
I could totally get used to this and I feel guilty, deep down inside.
Life isn’t supposed to be this way, right? I mean, a family is supposed to be stronger together than when apart. What does it say, when a family is stronger when a member is not present?
Either way, breaks like this always seem to be tainted by feelings of guilt.
I wish I could let go of the guilt and simply enjoy the time away from the stress of having Gavin in the house. We all love Gavin. We just can’t live with his behaviors anymore. 🙁
**Thanks for reading**
-Lost and Tired
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This was posted via WordPress for Android, courtesy of Samsung’s Galaxy S III. Please forgive any typos. I do know how to spell but auto-correct is working against me.