Something happened the other day that I haven’t written about until now because I was kinda struggling with it. Sometimes, I need to sorts process things before I write about them and other times writing about them is how I process things .
It’s no secret that I have been emotionally struggling with this whole Gavin thing.
I know that moving Gavin out of the house was the right thing to do. In fact, if anything, we waited too long to move him out.
Having said that, just because it was the right thing to do, doesn’t mean that it was by any means an eay thing to do. To be honest, this was probably one of the most difficult things I’ve ever had to do. It was certainly one of the most painful.
Yesterday, Emmett was drawing pictures of our family.
However, this time we were a family of four. He left Gavin out of the picture. I didn’t say anything to him because I honestly didn’t know what to say.
Emmett didn’t mean anything by his drawing but it does seem to send a message. I mean the boys never ask about him anymore. It’s like they’ve moved on.
I suppose that on one hand this could be viewed as a positive thing but it also feels like we’ve failed, in a huge way.
This really sucks because things weren’t supposed to be like this. Maybe that sounds a bit cliche but we were all supposed to be taking on this journey together, as a family. Instead, it feels like we’ve fallen apart. Even worse is the guilt that comes from feeling more at peace since Gavin’s been gone.
I don’t know how else to describe this feeling.
I’m not sure that anyone going into building a family ever thinks that at some point along the way, they will have to remove their out of control child from the house. It’s just not something that you can prepare for and when it hits, it really knocks you on your ass.
I don’t know if any of this even makes any sense. I’m getting sick myself and my antidepressants don’t seem to be working.
My appointment to have them adjusted is supposed to be late today but it will be put on hold once again because Emmett has to be a Akron Children’s Hospital because he’s having vision problems..
Hopefully Emmett’s eye will check out okay and we can move forward……
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I have a friend struggling with a similar issue with her own child. It’s heartbreaking to see her go through this, but sometimes a different or less stressful environment is the best thing for them. Gavin had severe problems, and you and Lizze did everything you could to help him. Even Temple Grandin was sent to boarding school as a teenager because she had so many behavioral issues and could no longer attend her local school. Her own mother didn’t know what else to do with her, so she sent her to a school for children with emotional problems. Turns out it was the best decision, as it got her behavior under control and made her learn to be self sufficient.
Out of all the things you write about, stories about Gavin touch me the deepest. Why? I can relate to your situations in so many ways, but most of all, the degree of disappointment and pain you carry with you.
I have a 35-year-old daughter who suffers from mental illness, and one aspect of it is her ability to be downright cruel to other people. She also does not appear to care if she hurts her family or friends. “I’m sorry” is not in her vocabulary, but yet her lanuage is filled with vile accusations of imaginary crimes inflicted on her by others. She has been diagnosed several times with schizophrenia. Recently another doctor diagnosed her as bi-polar. I’ve more or less lost faith in psychiatry because they offer little hope. Also, it’s been our experience that whatever the doctor’s interest is, therein lies the diagnosis. They see what they recognize, and little else.
She was my first child, my only daughter, and closer to me than any of my boys, for a long time. That ended around 2005 and we remain estranged.
There are times when I’m awash in guilt and sadness, but other times I’m grateful I don’t have to deal with her anymore. It took years off my life, exacerbated my diabetes, and robbed me of all my self-confidence. Most of all it just broke my heart.
I wish the best for Gavin. I wish peace of mind for you and Lizze. It’s not your fault. No one is to blame. It just is.