Super Sensitive Subject – Do you wish to outlive your Special needs child?

I know how the title sounds but this is a very real question and very serious question, so please don’t take offense.

So many of us (special needs parents) have an absolute fear of the future.  We worry day and night about what will happen to our special needs children when we are gone. 

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It occurred to me the other day that while no parent, ever wants to outlive their children, this may not always hold true for those of us with kids that cannot survive on their own. 



So if I were to say that I hoped to outlive some or all of my special needs kids because I don’t think they would have anyone to care for them after I’m gone, does that make me a selfish person or bad parent?

Have any of you though about this before? What are your thoughts?

This site is managed almost exclusively from my Samsung Galaxy Note 3. Please forgive any typos as auto-correct HATES me. 😉

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About Rob Gorski

Father to 3 with Autism and husband to my best friend. Oh...and creator fo this blog. :-)

  

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Heather Mayberry
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Heather Mayberry

Yes Oh Yes! Some just may say it’s selfish of me.. but my son wouldnt agree with them.

Take Another Step
Guest
Take Another Step

“If I haven’t said it a hundred times, then let this be the hundredth; if I were to live forever, I would not change a thing about my son. He’s happy almost all of the time. He loves his life. He is in his own little happy world, but he won’t always be able to live in his own world, he will someday have to live in the real world. Then what? When your child with Autism becomes an adult with Autism and your own mortality begins to slap you in the face, come back and talk to me then… Read more »

Lost and Tired
Guest
Lost and Tired

This is a really tough, No win type of situation. Mortality is a very powerful thing and it puts a great many things into perspective. Two of my three on the spectrum should do just fine on their own, my oldest However, barely survives with constant supervision… I’m scared for the future

LaTonya Banks
Guest
LaTonya Banks

No I’ve already buried one child in my life.. Don’t wanna do it again!!

Heather Mayberry
Guest
Heather Mayberry

My son has told me numerous times.. Mom I hope you live forever.. it’s just sad.. it kills me.. that there will be the end.. what will happen after I’m gone

Vickie SanSoucie Canale
Guest
Vickie SanSoucie Canale

Of course this is not that this is anything we WANT, but the thought of what may happen when I am gone is what my nightmares are made of…….

Lost and Tired
Guest
Lost and Tired

I think many of us share the same fears.

Gabriela McNiel
Guest
Gabriela McNiel

I don’t know what to say. Yes because I want to care for them forever. I trust no one with their dreams/lives but my immediate family. There will be a day that I am no longer here and I just pray that they are not alone. It’s just so hard.

Mercedes L Shea
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Mercedes L Shea

Never sat down and thought about it but the thought of losing a child sends my heart into a spasm and worrying that they will be ok when I’m gone, that’s scary too .. My daughter is 17 so if anything does happen to me and dad… I know she will be looking out for them ,along with a few other family members ..scary thought though

Charlette Nalls
Guest
Charlette Nalls

Always.

Catherine Raleigh
Guest
Catherine Raleigh

Yes because I am the only person that will or can take care of him, and no because my soul will die with him. It’s a conundrum, and heartbreaking.

Melissa Reich
Guest
Melissa Reich

Catherine Raleigh that is the exact answer I was going to write about my daughter with cp. Her father had passed and I’ve done it by myself since day one.

Lost and Tired
Guest
Lost and Tired

This is a great dialogue everyone.

Charlene L. Reaser
Guest
Charlene L. Reaser

By the way – even when it’s painful, it’s really helpful that you post the things you do. Thanks to all of you who share.

BeckyW
Member
BeckyW

It makes you human. It has crossed my mind that if my autistic son dies first it would make things less complicated. But then I feel such grief at the thought and he has so much to offer, if only someone wanted to take it. I am just about adjusted to the thought of my husband retiring and our children still are here. But they are at least awesome good people.

Becky Rogers Wiren
Guest
Becky Rogers Wiren

Yes we do. And mine are young adults and I’m trying to adjust to the fact that all the hopes and dreams we had are dust.

Anita Kaye Kranak
Guest
Anita Kaye Kranak

I would say yes I want to be the one to take care of them but in the event that is not possible we do have another family member in place to ensure our wishes for her care are always met!

Cassandra Stone Boland
Guest
Cassandra Stone Boland

The answer to this question for me is “yes.” I have accepted the fact that I cannot die. Ever. I think Destin, my oldest “typical” child (non special needs) would definitely step in and care for him when we die, but what a serious commitment that is to ask of him, and Destin would do this without hesitation because he loves Brody more than anything. But again still…he could be married with children perhaps grandchildren and have a special needs adult brother to care for 24/7. I watch Destin every day and think to myself “you may be Brody’s caregiver… Read more »

Cassandra Stone Boland
Guest
Cassandra Stone Boland

me too!!!! Literally, I am up at night thinking of this…

Melissa Reich
Guest
Melissa Reich

I agree Cassandra Stone Boland. I know jaedon..samara’s brother.. would step up to the plate in a heartbeat but I don’t want to have to ask that of him.

Katy Murray
Guest
Katy Murray

My health isn’t good enough that I think I will outlive him, although mortality is certainly an issue with his syndrome. I would kind of be surprised if I did outlive him because he is so healthy. On the other hand, I told MHMRA just the other day “What happens if I get hit be a car and die tomorrow? Nobody can take care of him who understands how difficult it is for me except his older brother and sister, and they deserve a chance to have a life without the constant burden of his care. They love him and… Read more »

Simone Bastin
Guest
Simone Bastin

I hope he has a long and happy life but I feel my life is dedicated to trying to put in place all the things he will need to do that when I am no longer here.

iliana
Guest
iliana

I think about the future of my son almost everyday.  He is 19 now.   I am the only one that really “knows” him right now.  His sister knows him but not really.  I know you know what I mean.  I have family that love him but do not deal with him on a daily basis to really “know” him.  So I think about how it would be for all involved if I no longer was here for him.   I have been told by them that they would take care of him but what would happen if he outlives any of… Read more »

Lauri Golonka
Guest
Lauri Golonka

Just one minute longer….

Lost and Tired
Guest
Lost and Tired

Lauri Golonka amen

Gabriela McNiel
Guest
Gabriela McNiel

I second that amen!!

Heather Mayberry
Guest
Heather Mayberry

I don’t recall the conversation my 2 older kids were having.. but I caught this.. my 11 year old nt daughter says.. when Mom dies you’ll come live with me! My 12 year old aspie son says hmm.. mom’s going to be here for a while.. ya know!

Heather Liddell
Guest
Heather Liddell

Too sad.hx

Janet Meliti
Guest
Janet Meliti

Yes I sure do and I think I will. He has Autism and kidney disease from Prunebelly Syndrome and is severely affected by it and the syndrome. They are both fetal etc.

Fiona Esterman
Guest
Fiona Esterman

The fear I feel on this subject just paralyses me. It is just too hard to think about, but at the same time it needs to be thought about 🙁

jaxxma
Guest
jaxxma

This is what keeps me awake at night and my butt firmly planted in my office chair during the day – money is obviously one solution but the guidance, companionship and love aspects can only come from finding a place in the world where your child is treasured and safe whether you are there or not…and so far I’ve not been able to make any firm plans around that.  Living in a country where there are limited social services and what there are are skewed against my child’s demographic is a constant worry and threat to his future.  I have… Read more »

Elizabeth Simmons
Guest
Elizabeth Simmons

No

Angela Harper-Hesch
Guest
Angela Harper-Hesch

Its a hard one to answer especially when I have no one to take care of my daughter if something happens to me..most days I say Yes

rjones22
Guest
rjones22

so far I cant die, i have told the dr he cant die, told my sick son he cant die (he is NT and knows I am crazy lol) told his brother he can’t die (same kind of crazy for him). Brother will take him if something happens to me. I am trying my best to hold on to my life ins but my older son is dong well with his job financially and said dont worry about it. My issue with my sick NT son, is that if I werent here I feel he wouldnt be as careful with… Read more »