I lost my cool tonight



For the first time in a long time, I’m actually feeling good-ish about myself. Selfcare is a priority again, even if it’s not perfect, I’m doing my best to work with what I got.

Today was a pretty decent day. The kids drove me crazy, but that’s par for the course. ☺

Everything actually went mostly okay. I even got my recording equipment almost working. When the cables arrive today, I should be good to go. Hopefully it will be in time for my interview today but if not, I’ll manage.

The meeting tonight with Lizze, her mom and the kids therapist was actually fairly productive. At the very end, I allowed my emotions to get the better of me and I unloaded. While I will not apologize for how I feel, I have since apologized for how I verbalized it. It would be fair to say that I was disrespectful, regardless of whether I was correct in my assertions.

I’m better than that and I need to do better.

Look, I’m overwhelmed and dealing with this on my own. I have family that’s amazing and a therapist who’s challenging me in good ways. All that said, I’m in the trenches, day in and day out. My grieving process is all fucked up because it’s hard to grieve when I’m trying to be strong for the kids. Seeing them in pain just makes it worse.

How I verbally lashed out tonight was beneath me, even if it was understandable. I need to do better and I will do better. Like I said, I won’t apologize for how I feel but I apologized to everyone for losing control of my emotions.

..

What can I say. I’m human..

Anyway, I feel a bit better after getting all that out. There hasn’t been much opportunity for me to say the things I needed to say, to the people I needed to say them to. It was messy but something I needed to do. Anyway, the rest of the evening went well.

I thw baked their pepperoni rolls for their school lunches and worked on the puzzle with Emmett.

I’m exhausted and need to go to bed.. Thanks for listening…

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