As a parent dealing with possibly 2 autistic children life tends to get me down. I hate that some things are out of my control. I’m a control freak but so much control has already been taken from us. I just like to feel in control of my life. The holidays tend to be the hardest time of the year for me. Here’s why:
So it’s Easter Sunday and I’m feeling pretty crappy. I want so much more for our kids. I’m still not feeling 100% yet and Lizze has been dealing with a migraine for about a week now. The kids are all excited because the Easter Bunny visited them last night.
The family is all going to my brother and sister in laws house for Easter dinner. Once again we won’t be in attendance because of everything. I think my dad is going to pick up the two youngest and take them with him to my brothers. Myself, Lizze and Gavin (who is already well beyond his sensory limit) are probably just going to hang out at home. We so desperately need the break. If we went we would simply be chasing the kids around an un-baby proofed house. Everyone says they are going to help but it will fall on us. At least at home we can contain them a bit.
The other thing is that going over to my younger brothers house will be like a kick in the gut. His new house is gorgeous and my house is falling apart around me. I have a small contracting company that we have run for about the last 10 years but I’m always to tired or we just don’t have the money to make the needed repairs. My wife and kids deserve so much better and that’s really hard for me to deal with. I realize our hands are tied most of the time by circumstances outside of our control but it doesn’t make the reality of it any easier to live with. It’s also painfully obvious how close everyone is with each other. I almost feel out of place anymore after all we are the only ones with kids (special needs kids at that) so we don’t go to the parties and concert together like they do. I’m quite envious of their relationships with each other.
I wish so desperately sometimes to just be a normal family and have normal problems. At 31, I’m the oldest of six kids and my parents are still married. No one lives more the 15 mins away. We never get visitors or even phone calls just to see how we’re doing. In the months I have been blogging I don’t know that anyone even reads it. I don’t feel close to anyone (outside my wife and kids) anymore.
The holidays really seem to bring out these feelings of inadequacy. I guess it’s because that’s really the only time we see everybody.
This is just how I feel today. Tomorrow will be another day. I have found that putting my feelings out there seems to lighten the load a bit.