Confessions

I’m not sure where this post is going to end up because I’m not in the greatest place at the moment but I need to purge. This is my disclaimer…

My biggest fear for as long as I can remember has been the dentist. I mean to say that I’m terrified for the dentist. I can’t even go with my kids to the dentist because I can’t hide my fear. I had a tooth ripped out when I was a kid and it was re-implanted. I even had a one stick the pick thing though my cheek. The list goes on from there. This is coming from a big strong firefighter/paramedic. I went into burning house’s and never thought anything of it. I have had really close calls during my relatively short lived career where I almost died. The dentist was scarier to me then the guns and knives pulled on me while on the job.

I realized today for the first time that while the dentist stills scares me it’s no longer my biggest fear.

My biggest fear is having to watch Emmett John slip away like Gavin did. I don’t think I can take that. I’m not strong enough. I haven’t even told Lizze this because she has enough on her plate.
I watch Emmett John go after Elliott Richard and instinctively protect him from Emmett John. Then I’m left wondering if that’s typical behavior for a 2 year old or is it more. It feels like more. My gut says it’s more. These “episodes” happen more and more often anymore.

I took a pencil away from Emmett John today because he stuck it up his nose while trying to smell it. He smells everything. It doesn’t matter what it is, even the plug on the vacuum.

I remember when Gavin started slipping away but at the same time I don’t. My last memory of who Gavin was before we lost him to autism was when he was about 3 years old. I took him fishing for the first time we had a great time. He caught a blue gill and was so proud. I had just come off a 48 hour shift and so I was tired. He wanted to stay and play but I wanted to go home so I cut it short. I didn’t know I would never have another chance like that again. After that he really started have problems. He disconnected from us and never came back. It was like watching him slowly die.
I know it sounds stupid but maybe things would be different if I had just let him stay and play.
I can’t watch this happen to Emmett John, I just can’t. I’m so afraid that I losing him right now. I’ve been putting him to bed at night lately because I want to have those moments where he is laying on my chest and I sing him to sleep. He so peaceful and quiet. I’m so tired all the time. I don’t want to be tired to play with him and miss my chance. I can’t even figure out what he’s trying to say. I can’t figure out if he’s angry, frustrated or in pain. He tries so hard to tell us things but all that comes out is incoherent babble. Why would God let this happen. Emmett John hasn’t done anything to deserve this and neither has Gavin. What has Lizze done to deserve all the pain she is in. She didn’t choose that,it chose her. Elliott Richard didn’t choose to be stuck in the middle of all this chaos.

God, why won’t let me take their place? I keep asking you but you don’t seem to be listening. I would do anything, anything to bring them just a little peace. You supposedly gave us free will. I’m not asking you anymore, I’m choosing to take their place, now fucking snap your fingers and make it happen. This isn’t a fucking game. This is my family and they deserve better.

1 comment

    • Jeff Stiebeling on April 28, 2010 at 6:18 pm
    • Reply

    I know that you can handle this, and this is why. I know the truth that God does not give to us beyond what we can handle. This family has been blessed with you for their care. You have been blessed with a wisdom and love that most of this world will never know. Most of this world takes for granted even the simplest of matters in life. You may not have this luxury, but truly, you do not have this curse. God has your eyes wide open to that which is truly important in this life on earth. You are a rare breed of husband and father. So in your times of worry and dispare, look to Heaven, and thank God for this honor and these blessings he has bestowed upon you. God hand-picked you for a reason. And I'd say the odds are fairly good that he is right.

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