Autism is changing me.
I have become very bitter and angry. I’m angry that I have lost my friends. I’m pissed off at the “family” that forced us to walk away. I’m angry at the “family” that walked away from us because they couldn’t hack it. I’m angry that my career is gone. I’m angry that Autism is stealing away my children. I’m angry that Gavin will never live a “normal” life or even live on his own for that matter.I’m angry that he will never have the opportunities so many people take for granted. I’m angry that we are so alone. I’m angry that I have to sit here and watch EJ deteriorate and no one seems to take that seriously. I’m angry that the people that should don’t seem to believe that this stuff is really happening.
I’m angry with myself for not being a better father. I’m angry with myself for not being a better husband. I’m angry with myself for not being a better provider. I’m angry with myself because I can’t get the van we so desperately need. I’m angry with myself for not being able to keep up with the house. I’m angry with myself for losing my patience so often lately. I’m angry with myself for letting autism change me.
You ARE a great father. I know it doesn't feel that way, but honestly you are. If you WEREN'T, all of this wouldn't piss you off. Your entitled to your feelings and you should own them and express them. But please know that from where I stand it's the circumstances that suck – NOT YOU!
You know I beat myself up all the time because I can't take away their pain and shoulder for them the burdens they have been given. I would give anything to bring even one day of peace to my wife and kids. I don't always recognise that these things are out of my control.
Thank you for your words.