My heart has been broken tonight. We went to visit Elliott Richards new school this evening. Everything was went real well. Then we went into the classroom to meet the teachers. Most of his classmates were there. Everyone was playing together. Elliott Richard was off by himself and for the first time I saw him as an Autistic child. It was all I could do to keep from bursting into tears in front of him and everyone else. I tried so hard not to cry. I eventually had to go outside to get some air.
I knew Elliott Richard had sensory and anxiety issues but for some reason I never saw what was behind them. If I am to be honest, ER is my weakness. I am the closest to him. He’s my first born and he almost died it’s just a special bond you form when something like that happens.
I turned 32 this afternoon and I have been evaluating my life and what I have done with it so far. Honestly, trying to raise 3 Autistic children is an impossible task that I can’t even begin to describe. Trying to raise 3 Autistic kids and realizing that the absolute best I can do isn’t even close to enough just kills me.
We have officially outgrown the car we have. With both car seats in place Gavin has about 10 inches of space to sit. This officially means we can no longer all ride in the car at the same time. This is really going to complicate things going forward. There is no way for me to get my family the van we need. With all the out of pocket expense associated with Gavin hospital stays I couldn’t pay the mortgage this month. Autism just seems to keep taking and taking. I honestly don’t understand how or why people refer to Autism as a gift.
Especially for those of us with kids that were “typical” and then were taken away by Autism. Autism isn’t a gift and if I had the power I would make my kids better. I don’t understand why anyone wouldn’t. It’s about want the best for our kids. It’s about having the best chance at life. Autism can make that all but impossible. So yes, if there was a cure I would want it for my kids. I love and accept them for who they are. That doesn’t mean I’m happy with their lot in life. I want my kids to have the same chances in life as any other child. I want them to be able to experience life at its fullest and realize their dreams.
So Autism, I hate you for taking that away from my babies. They deserve better then you. I will love them for who they are but never stop trying to free them from your prison.
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