Why can’t I…..

Why can’t I have more patients? I have become so overwhelmed with everything that I feel I’m going to shatter. I have been grieving the loss of Gavin for 6+ years now and watching him continue to regress and struggle is killing me. Gavin began regressing at about age 3 or 4. I can’t remember it happening. I just remember him going to sleep and then never waking up. The Gavin that woke up was different and distant.  I’m short with him anymore. He’s manic and psychotic right now. He NEVER stops talking and doesn’t listen. He keeps doing things that hurt his brothers physically or emotionally. They are learning from him and are developing his mannerisms. They now hit themselves when they get angry. They imitate him all the time.  It’s not his fault but I don’t know how to regain that fine balance we once had. I don’t know how to lessen the impact his behaviors have on the family. We have done EVERYTHING we can for him and no one knows how to help him or us for that matter. He is hearing voices and seeing things that aren’t there. Do you know what it feels like to watch your child come unglued right in front of your eyes and know there is nothing you can do but send him away? I do and it sucks.

Elliott Richard is showing more and more Autistic symptoms. He has been diagnosed with Aspergers but I never really saw it before. Maybe I didn’t want to accept that his life wasn’t going to be a challenge for him. Maybe I was just hoping he would out grow it. Maybe I was holding out for the doctors to be wrong because I’m not strong enough.

Emmett John still pre-verbal. Every so often he says Mom or Daddy but never in the right context. I should be grateful for that at least but instead I’m frustrated because I have no way to communicate with my son. I see each day how hard it is for him to interact with us. He gets so angry because he is trying to hard to talk to us but all that comes out are tones. He looks to us for help and all we can do is comfort him at this point. All that can be done is being done but it never feels like enough.

1 comment

  1. I can't even imagine man… I just couldn't. I would imagine I'd have lost it a long time ago so you're already doing better than I would have.
    I would imagine that as they get older, like… pre-teens, things may start to calm down, they may begin to gain some control over these things.
    You just have to keep being strong for them, help them get there.

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