I recently realized something. (A very honest post)

I have been wanting to share this for a while now but have been affraid to admit this. By sharing this I am really opening myself up. This is not easy to write the words that explain how I have been feeling. I understand how this is going to sound but if you have had a child taken away by Autism you may be able to relate.

For a long time I have been struggling with Gavin, that’s no secret. I have less and less patience with him or really more his behaviors. Since I have been walking I have had lots of time to think. I have come to very profound realization. I resent Gavin. I know how bad that sounds so let share why I feel this way.

I met Gavin when he was just over 1 year old. He was connected and full of love. We did things together all the time. I loved spending time with him and he reciprocated all the love and effection we showed him. He was genuine.

Now he is robotic and fake. I don’t know who he is or where he’s coming from. He minipulates everyone and his behaviors cause extreme complications within our family. We all walk on egg shells around him cause we don’t want to set him off. Our Gavin that was with us the first 4 years of his life no longer exists. While his physical body is still here his spirit and the essense of who he was are gone. To me personally, the Gavin I loved and fought so hard for died. Every day I have to see and live with the empty shell that remains.

As insane as I know this sounds when I look at Gavin now I see the person who killed the Gavin I used to know. I see an imposter that has taken control of his body and mind. When I realized this it made me sick to my stomach but I finally understood why I was feeling the way I did.

I feel like a monster for feeling that way but Gavin was literally taken away from us and we are left with who he is now. Who he is now isn’t even a shadow of who he was. Most people won’t get this because either your child was born with Autism, or have typical children or your just simply a better person then I am.

When you raise a child for 3 or 4 years and then all of the sudden it’s like they were replaced with someone else because they are a completely different person and everything is different. They can still walk and talk but everything is mechanical and empty.

I don’t know how to move past this. Losing a child is the most terrible thing that can happen to you. I know this is different then that but sometimes it feels like it would be easier if I didn’t have to see him. Then I could finally grieve the loss of my son.

Every day I fear losing Elliott and Emmett the same way. I can’t begin to explain how it feels to worry that each day you are lucky enough to have may be the last you get.

God forgive me for feeling this way but it’s the truth. It’s my unplesant truth.

2 comments

    • Maureen Soricelli on October 30, 2010 at 4:34 pm
    • Reply

    It's hard to lose a child to autism; and that is, indeed what it feels like. I cried for weeks when my pediatrician told me that my son was going to develop differently. You shouldn't feel badly for resenting what has happened to your child. I can't tell you that it gets easier with time; I can tell you that even when you have "normal" kids, you resent them for things that they do. And there are times when they will disappoint you. My son has exceeded all the expectations that anyone ever expressed. Resentment and grief are normal, but acceptance does come, and with it, love returns.

    1. Thank you for your support. It's really been about 6 years since we have seen the old Gavin. I think we have accepted everything but Gavin has many complex issues that are adversly affecting everyone in the house. He almost like a stranger living in our home that disrupts the VERY fragile balance we have barely managed to achieve. The hard part is that no one knows what to do because no one knows for sure what is going on with him. I would gladly take this all away from him if I could and I absolutely love him. He is just sinking the ship right now and there is nothing I can do to stop it.

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