I know I’m supposed to be better then I’m. I’m supposed to be stronger and able to hande anything.Right now I feel like I’m being buried alive. Lizze’s conditions are getting worse. We have to figure out how to get her life back. Her quality of life is non-existant. She tries to push herself but she is limited to what she can do anymore. The sleeping issues are becoming more dfficult to manage. She is so tired all the time and never gets any relief from it.
Gavin had a HORRIBLE day. He had a meltdown today that was so back I couldn’t stop shaking. Elliott had come to u and said that Gavin was using his pen. All we did was call Gavin down and he just started screaming at us. So the usual on the floor like a pretzel sitting on his hands rule went into effect. All he did was scream and scream and scream. It got so bad that I picked him up and stuck him in the bathroom and shut the door just so the kids could settle down and feel safe. The light was on and he was fine so it wasn’t as bad as it sounds. I had to get block out the noise. After a bit he let himself out and melted down on the floor again. This is where the control factor for him comes into play. I told him that if he would just stop I would get him ice cream. He looked at me and said ” that won’t work this time because I know you’re tricking me”. He’s right, I was but his response shows total control over what he was doing. You have no idea what he can be like and we are desprate and without any help so I have to improvise at times. I know he could have stopped if he wanted to. That pisses me off even more because he’s messing with us. Say what you want but you don’t know him. He is not like other aspie kids. Gavin is in a class all his own. This has to stop.
Lizze went to bed early again to try to get some rest. It is best for her to try to sleep when she can. I was alone with my thoughts until Elliott joined me after another nightmare. Emmett has been beating on the windows lately and by the grace of God he hasn’t broken any of them and hurt himself.
I feel like I am starting to crack. I just shake like I’m cold but I’m not. We are not going to be able to see anyone on Thanksgiving cause Gavin will just freak out over something and cause us to pack up and leave. Besides noone will help us with the kids (namely Emmett) and so Lizze and I will be chasng him around someone elses house that is not Emmett proofed. People say they will help us but they rarely do. We can chase him around our house if we wanted to chase him around. So their is no point in going.
The feeling of isolation is overwhelming. The pressure is crushing me. As Lizze gets worse the pressure on me grows. As Gavin is getting worse the pressure on me grows. As Elliott continues to struggle the pressure and guilt grows. As Emmett continues to struggle and regress the pressure, fear and guilt grows. I know I sound like whiner but I just need a break. Lizze just needs a break. We need a break together. It don’t see a future right now. I can’t even imagine trying to keep this up any longer. I know he’s only 10 but Gavin is the catalyst in almost everything. If he is doing this stuff on purpose that makes it even more difficult to deal with. Right no he’s sinking the ship and I have have 3 other prescious live that I have to keep from drowning in all of this. Something with Gavin has to give.
I love him, I truly do. However, I can’t allow his behaviors to destroy my entire family. I’m so Lost and Tired right now I don’t have any idea what to do. We need help and we aren’t getting it! No one seems to get just how badly we need help. Everyone has their own life and their own problems. I get that, I really do. However, at the risk of sounding like a complete asshole their problems are nothing compared to ours. I don’t like comparing life struggles but really we are in a whole other league of problems and stress. We have 3 kids on the spectrum, one is so complex and disruptive that noone knows what to do, one that doesn’t talk is all go all the time as well as a sensory nightmare and one stuck in the middle trying to survive. My wife is sick and getting worse and the more stressed she gets the worse off she is. We have no money and our house is falling apart. In a nut shell our lives re impossible difficult. So yes I would like to see my family bumped up the priority list every once in a while.
I love my wife and kids more thn anything in the world. I would die for them without a moments hesitation. But I’m human and not superman. I can’t keep this up for ever. I don’t know how to get this across with force to be taken seriously. I started this blog to share my thoughts and feelings in a very honest fashion. Sometimes that includes venting. I have no place to go and no one to talk to. I can’t even get away to walk or sleep through the night. Purging is all I have left that I can do. I feel so incredibly guilty for feeling these things. I don’t mean to make it sound like my wife and kids are a burden cause I don’t see it that way. I’m just not strong enough. A better husband and father wouldn’t be saying or even feeling the things. This has just been one of the worst days I can remember.
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