If you listen carefully, you can hear the ever growing sound of me…..cracking. I’m so far beyond overwhelmed, I don’t have another word to describe it. Gavin is driving me up a wall. Right now he is not making many good choices. He’s struggling with everything and pushing me over the edge as he does it.
In all fairness to Gavin, this isn’t his fault. However, he’s not listening and he has lost all ability to use common sense. Gavin has never really been able to exercise common sense. I don’t know it he’s struggling more in this area or if I’m just so tired that it seems worse. All I know is that Gavin’s behavior is changing and becoming more and more infantile. Part of me wishing he was just being defiant or purposefully disruptive. I can already see the confusion after saying that. Let me explain.
If Gavin were just being defiant or purposefully disruptive, than I feel I would be more justified in my feelings of frustration and honestly, even resentment. However, as it stands, Gavin has little, if any control of these behaviors. Once upon a time, I believe he did have control over these behaviors, but not anymore. Currently, Gavin is regressing and so his abilities are following suite.
So, when I feel angry or frustrated I also feel guilty. I feel guilty because none of this is Gavin’s fault and yet, I hold him responsible…at least to some degree.
If Gavin was in control, then I wouldn’t feel so guilty because he would be making the willful decision to be this way and therefore be subject to the burden of responsibility for those decisions.
Since that isn’t the case here, at least anymore, this struggle will continue. Gavin will continue to drive me crazy and I’ll continue to feel guilty for being angry, frustrated and resentful.