Do you ever feel like a complete failure? I mean, everything can’t go right all the time but to have everything go wrong….
This is one of my really honest posts where I’m just sorta spilling my guts. I say what I need to say, so that I can hopefully be able to walk away from it when I’m done and feel a bit lighter.
It’s no secret that things could be going better for the Lost and Tired family.
What I don’t often share is how that makes me feel. To put it bluntly, I feel like a complete failure, as both a father and a husband.
Maybe it’s the fact that I missed a few days of antidepressants while I was sick or maybe it’s the reality of life slapping me in the face. Either way, I’m feeling pretty low right now.
I want so much better for my family then what I’m doing.
We’re in a bad neighborhood, my kids can’t play outside and our goddamm van was stolen in broad daylight, right in front of us. As badly as we need to move, now we have to buy a new van or rather a replacement.
We have 3 days left on the rental and I have no idea what we are going to do.
At least half of what we get for the settlement is going to pay off the repairs we had to have done right before Christmas.
I’ve been trying to remain as positive as possible but I don’t know if I can do it anymore.
I’ll tell you something about my wife and kids, they never complain. They are all worried but they don’t complain..ever. In some weird way, that almost makes it worse because it’s like they are content with what little I have been able to do.
I asked the boys today if they were happy and they said they were. The problem is that I know how much better I need to be doing and they just don’t understand the difference.
I still have to get school figured out for Emmett John and get Elliott in to OT ASAP.
Gavin needs to get into to see the mitochondrial doctor at Akron Children’s Hospital but we are having trouble getting all the records transferred.
Lizze needs to get into the Cleveland Clinic as well for better treatment options.
I’m simply, completely and utterly overwhelmed with every single aspect of my life right now.
I really need to remember to take my Paxil tonight.
Alright, I’m done venting. I appreciate you all listening. I just needed to get that out. I’m not looking for anything. I just needed to get that off my chest. My stomach was getting upset and I don’t want to get sick again because I’m so upset that I relapse.
Thank you all for listening…
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Although you may not believe it you are one of my heroes. An inspiration and a very strong man. If I had a magic wand Id make everything great for you and yours….I dont. I have my prayers, my support and an aweful lot of respect for you though. I respect your honesty and your 'go get em' attitude. If I didnt live on the otherside of the world Id drop by to help out…have playdates with you and your boys (2 asd & 1 on the way) & give you all a big hug!!
OMG – Rob, I so feel that way all of the time. I totally understand. I'm so sorry that's how you feel right now. For what it's worth, I think you are a great dad, husband and provider.
I think you need to give yourself more credit than you do. You are doing the best you can with what you have & most would crumble. Everyone needs to vent once in a while. Venting is good & healthy, dwelling is not & you never do that. I am amazed how positive you try to stay in adversity. I think you are doing an awesome job. For what its worth LOL 🙂
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Thanks everyone 🙂
There was a time when i really felt that I am a big failure where my parents and relatives felt sorry for me for not passing the big examination for my future career. I thought it was end of everything but I did not realized that if I will continue to feel sorry for myself, it will be very difficult for me to move on and have a good life in the future. This really is very meaningful and inspiring when i read it.
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nobody can do it all, Rob. nobody. you are doing the work of 5 dads right now. your priorities are so right on, you put your family first every minute of the day, the system is stacked against you. i don't have the problems you do but i do know how you feel. you're not failing. you're just not.
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Venting is great for the soul. If you don't vent, it bottles up and eventually it boils over and you just never know what will happen. I definitely think some of your hopelessness is from missing your Paxil. Don't forget to take it!!! Now have your wife give you a great big hug and then have a good night's sleep. In the morning it's game time – getting serious about finding a replacement van and moving forward. You can do it Rob! You are not a failure…my goodness that complete opposite, in fact. G'night Rob.
Everyone should be lucky enough to have a husband/father as committed and wonderful as you are. How many people would become physically and/or emotionally absent under the same circumstances? LOTS! Moreover, you don't focus on your own pain, you remark how your wife and kids don't complain. You've been dealt a really tough hand and you've played it well. I hope your wife and kids know how fortunate they are.