It’s almost Father’s Day and I have run out of patience. Emmett is just beginning a new fever flare, Elliott is constantly reporting to us and Gavin isn’t listening.
At times like this I realize that I have very real limitations. I don’t know know why that bothers me so much, but it does.
People seem to think that I’m some great role model and I just don’t see it. I should have more patience with my boys. They deserve more patience than I have to offer them. Especially when it comes to Gavin.
I have a shorter fuse when it comes to Gavin because it’s always something. Maybe he doesn’t know what he’s doing and maybe he does. Either way Gavin’s behavioral choices are like a black hole in the sense that nothing can escape it, even my patience. Maybe that’s a bad analogy.
I guess my point is that while the world is celebrating Father’s Day, I feel like I don’t deserve it.
There are so many things that I need to do better and so much more time I need to give to my boys. It’s really frustrating for me to see that despite my attempts to do best by my family, I so often miss the mark.
I’m not perfect and believe me, I know I’m not. Even still, I tend to set expectations for myself that I can rarely ever live up to. I’m very hard on myself and quite unforgiving as well. However, in my mind it’s justified because my family deserves so much more than what I have been able to do.
I don’t know, maybe today is just a bad day. I’m feeling more depressed than normal. I hate correcting Gavin so much and it makes me feel cruel and unfair, even though we are doing what we are supposed to be doing. I just wish I could have one day of really good choices and we could all just enjoy the peace and harmony before being slapped back to reality with another meltdown.
This is one of those posts where I don’t know how much sense it will actually make to my readers. It’s more like an internal dialog with myself that I have written down.
Does that make sense?
Here’s to a better afternoon….
**Thanks for reading**
-Lost and Tired
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Hey Rob! I have been following you for a few months now. I have gotten to know your family through your blog. You sound like my husband. I have 2 daughters from 2 different dads and an Autistic son and a almost 3 year old daughter from my husband of 10 years. We recently found out our son was on the spectrum. He has been BEYOND overwhelmed trying to get him help and still be a dad to the daughters. You are the most amazing DADDY! KEEP DOING WHAT YOU DO EVERYDAY and your boys will remember forever!
Thank you for sharing that. I appreciate it. 🙂
It\’s also very nice to meet you…
Oh, for heavens' sake, you spend about 24 hours a day trying to keep everybody together. That is beyond what most would do. Remember what I said the other night: Everybody is doing the best they can, and that includes you.All will be well, all will be well, all will be well, as a mantra, frequently helps. Practically, I think your collective stress level will lessen with a respite from Gavin, be it respite care, which I KNOW sounds scary, a residential or hospital stay, or some in-home one-on-one help with him. I do not know what insurance you have for them, but if it is medicare/medicaid' you should qualify for in-home contracted help and the kids would eventually get used to it. You and Lizzie could breathe a bit, maybe even have a date, or at least a cup of coffee! That would be worth alot to both of you. I know how hard it is to seek help with your own kids, but you are pretty much there due to everyone's needs, so i would encourage you to find some. You will be no good to anyone if you crash. Geesh, I sound like a mom! Anyway, take care of the caretaker first, and enjoy Father's Day. Go outside, take the camera, have a little fun. Maybe some ice cream! Those boys are incredibaly lucky to have a dad that cares so much!
Thanks everyone. It\’s just been one of those days where I just can\’t seem to get both feet on the floor.
I really truly appreciate your support. 🙂
No parent is perfect, so you shouldn't be so hard on yourself. I do understand how you feel, i start to feel bad on bad days too. I try to remind myself everyday, I'm doing the best that I can. You are getting your kids help, you are trying to educate yourself and do every good thing that is possible for your boys. Do you have a behaviorist that comes into your home? I think that has been very helpful for us along with his ABA therapy. We also are looking into respite care, which has been recommended by many professionals. Well, try to have a good fathers day and know that your boys are better because of your hard work, your unbelievable dedication, and love for them!
Rob, no one is perfect, not kids, not parents. We all have our moments of not enough patience, and wondering how to make it through the day. Somehow we do it and survive to wake up and start all over the next day. Do you guys qualify for some respite care assistance through any agencies? Maybe talk to the boys' docs and see if they can refer you somewhere for help? Hang in there, the whole when you reach the end of your rope, tie a knot and just hang on for dear life. Cut yourself some slack, you deserve it.