I evicted my son tonight :-(

Today is a day that I wish I could forget but I know I never will.  How many times can you lose the same person? That’s the question I have been asking myself over and over today. It’s weird,  I don’t know if I was expecting to hear the answer or maybe I thought, on some subconscious level that it would make me feel better.

You all know how things have been going with Gavin.  Not good. 

However, today at OT,  Gavin was talking to his therapist and began bragging about how he enjoys torturing one of his classmates.  That was his word, not mine. 

The way he said it was cold and caused the dad sitting across from me to gasp.



The therapist asked Gavin what he meant.  Gavin said that he likes to give this person (I’m not using their name) the pink calculator because it makes them upset. The therapist was like, why would you want to do that?

Gavin replied,  because it’s fun.

After therapy,  Lizze and I were asking him about what he had said.  We wanted to know what he was talking about because until I heard him say that, I knew nothing like that was going on. 

He started to deny and back peddle but couldn’t keep his lies straight.  Yes,  they were lies. 

We couldn’t get a straight answer out of him but the conversation was calm and not a problem.. 

At one point, Elliott looked at Gavin and told him that what he was doing to this other kid at school made him a bully and that wasn’t nice.

On the way home we stopped to pick up a pizza because we had just received some very concerning information about Emmett and I couldn’t focus on cooking.  I just didn’t have the energy left. 

Lizze stepped out of the car to get our dinner.

While she was gone,  I was still talking with Gavin.  I asked Gavin how he knew this person was upset by the pink calculator? Something about what he was saying did the add up.

Out of nowhere, he ripped his hat off his head and screaming at me, threw it as hard as he could.  I looked at him and told him that he had just lost his choice for dinner tonight.  He was going to have oatmeal instead of pizza. 

I shouldn’t have issued that consequence while he was still in the van, that was totally my fault.

I just sorta reacted. 

Gavin lost it and I mean lost it. 

Elliott was sobbing and trying to get away from him.  Emmett buried his face in his hands and tucked his legs up.

Lizze was walking back to the car and could hear the screaming. 

I made Gavin get out of the van and move to the front seat.  Lizze sat in the back and comforted the boys. I looked at Gavin and told him that if he screams again or tried to damage the van again,  he would have oatmeal for the rest of the week. 

Looked me straight in the eye and screamed as loud as he could and began kicking the dash and slamming backwards into the seat, trying to break it. 

Elliott and Emmett are both freaking out, Lizze has tears streaming down her face and I was done. 

I put my hand carefully, over his mouth. 

He could breath just fine but it muffled the screaming.  Once we got home and Lizze and the boys ran to the house, I removed my hand. He just kept screaming and screaming and he was trying to break things in the van.

Once the boys and Lizze were safe, I recorded everything because he took this to a whole new level and the doctors needed to see this. 

Fast forward a few minutes and I finally got him in the house.

Elliott and Emmett ran and hid in the back of the house when Gavin came storming into the house and up to his room. 

I followed Gavin upstairs to make sure he went and to finish documenting, incase he self injured.  After a few minutes of violent stomping and blood curdling screaming, my phone rang, killing the recording. 

image

However, it just happened to be Dr. Reynolds office calling to confirm our appointment in the morning. 

They heard what was going on and called Dr. Reynolds who suggested that we have Gavin taken to the ER via ambulance because there was no way we could safely transport him. 

We opted not to do that because we were seeing Dr. Patti in 30 minutes.  The other way would have been more drama and by the time they would have actually arrived, he would have likely been done. 

Lizze and I went back upstairs to talk to Gavin because he was slamming himself into the floor and shaking the house.

He was screaming and trying to challenge me physically by acting like he was going to throw his desk at me. 

We told him that he would no longer be allowed to live with us.  We told him that we love him and that he will always be a part of our family.  However, he can’t live with us anymore.  He fake cried for a minute before stopping to fix the sheet on his bed. .

I had just essentially evicted my son and he didn’t care.  He didn’t care.  I was dying inside and Lizze was fighting back the tears and he couldn’t have cared less.

He simply isn’t capable of caring.  That’s a concept that I will never fully be able to process. 

We went and met with Dr. Patti and she told him the same thing.  He can’t live with us anymore.  Dr. Patti said that he’s doing the same type of thing to Lizze that he’s going to his classmate. It’s cold and he’s just simply not capable of caring or feeling remorse.

It’s not his fault that he’s this way, it really isn’t.  I don’t think that he would choose to be this way on purpose.

Having said that, he is still very responsible for his actions and everything he does is a conscious choice. 

I don’t know what else to say. 

We are doing the right thing but I still feel like a monster.  I’m way more upset about this than Gavin and I just can’t wrap my head around that.

I’m sure there will be some people who can armchair quarterback this to hell and back saying that I handled this wrong.  Maybe they would be right. I don’t know. 

Seriously though, we don’t exactly have an instruction book for this.  We’re also not just dealing with an aspie. We’re dealing with a cold and remorseless child that is capable of truly unpleasant things.

I can promise you that not many people out there have ever experienced something like this. I be really honest with you, I’m  grateful for that. 

I evicted my son tonight.  I wouldn’t wish that on anyone, ever.  🙁

We have temporary arrangements made and I’ll go into more details later, I’m just too tired..



  • Mandy says:

    @lostandtired my heart is filled with sadness, I wish I could carry some of the pain for you. Praying.

  • JrjKmj says:

    I live with this fear every day that when my daughter is older that i might have to do this with her. She is A-classic Autistic and has ADHD and ODD and has violent out bursts and can get very physical. She is our world but i live with the thought in the back of my mind that she might not always be under our roof. :'(

    • kat13 says:

      @JrjKmj How old is your daughter? And is she taking any ADHD medication?
       
      I am asking because mine used to have lots of violent outbursts when she was smaller (10 now). She started her ADHD medication just a little over a year ago, and levels of her frustration are completely down. The only exception is that mine wasn't diagnosed with ODD (just ASD and ADHD).

      • JrjKmj says:

        @kat13 Shes 5 yrs old. She is getting ready to start  focalin for her ADHD and resperidol for her anger and out bursts.

        • kat13 says:

          @JrjKmj Yep, mine was a child to be fear of at 5! LOL She also had later some targeted punches only to her sister (who is older) when she had any level of frustration with anything, but stopped eventually with lots of work…

  • I've been there and done that.  My son didn't have anything on the autistic spectrum disorder or RAD, but it was definitely something that had to be done.  It sucks.  I evicted mine to live with other family at the end of the school year.  Yours is a bit more extreme.  It needs to be done now.  You have other children that you have to think about, too.
     
    FWIW, my evicted son still doesn't live with me (six years later), but we do have a good relationship now.  It's a relationship that works better when we don't live together, and it's not a normal parent/child relationship.  But it works for us.  Hopefully you'll be able to find something, eventually, that works for your family and Gavin.

  • LorcaDamon says:

    I cannot do anything for you except tell you that I am so sorry for your hurting and for the stress this has put you under. I'm thinking of you, Gavin, and your family as a whole.

  • You are right, I wouldn't wish this on anyone either. I don't know what the right thing to do is when someone is your child and you would die for them, but you have other children too that need to be protected. I just wouldn't know what to do and would be miserable in this position.

  • kat13 says:

    So sorry to hear you guys going through this. You are doing the right thing for all of you. It is really unfortunate that Galvin can't feel what you all feel, and I just hope someday he will see it differently, but now, you need to worry about the other two little ones that need to be protected from Galvin's possible harm to them that is initially dramatized him to begin with.

  • momof41980 says:

    You did the right thing! Thinking of you and your family today! So sorry you guys are going through this! I really hope Gavin will get the help he needs! Praying for you guys!

  • SarahBolier says:

    Sending hugs and prayers to your family.

  • OnyxPanthyr says:

    Gods…  You did the right thing.  It's clear Gavin has clearly escalated to dangerous.  You all can't keep living in fear of him.  Gods only know what he's becoming capable of doing now and what he might do next because he's just not capable of caring about anyone else.  Your safety, Lizze's safety, and the E's NEED to be the sole priority and focus now.  Stay strong and know that you are doing the best you can and it's the right thing, as painful as it is.

  • Mary Franzen Costell says:

    Just checking I on you today.

  • Tobius says:

    You did what you had to do, for the safety of you, your family and of course Gavin himself..
    I have looked after children and adults that are violent like Gavin and I totally understand your reasoning behind having him live else where, no need to beat your self up for it..

  • MeaghanGood says:

    I'm so sorry. I think you did the right thing but I'm so sorry.

  • tikotik30354578 says:

    maby there is another way, dont you think that it will be worth for him,  you just need to look at this from the different size, when he screams, you scream too, did you hear about son rize theraphy? i think it will help you . just give your childrens big hugs when they feel themselfs bad :((( i will pray for your family every day

    • MikeNYvetteKennedy says:

      @tikotik30354578 Ok so first of all, before you start criticizing someone for the way they handle THEIR children, whom you obviously know NOTHING about, please learn proper English b/c I have NO idea what you are trying to say in your comment.  Bottom line, you do NOT live Rob & Lizze's life.  You are NOT in their home to see what goes on there.  You have obviously NOT been following their blogs/story, b/c if you had you would know that they have tried other alternatives.  They have tried every alternative in the book.  You think they WANT to get rid of one of their children?  You think they haven't thought this through?  You think if they are just plain giving up  on Gavin they would have kept him around dealing with these kinds of tantrums for as long as they have?  My sister & brother-in-law have done EVERYTHING they possibly can to try and keep their family together.  Have you any idea how much this hurts them inside to have to "get rid"  of one of their children?  You think big hugs are the answer?  You think this is just Gavin simply "feeling himself bad"  whatever that means anyway?  You think its as simple as that?  Have you ever watched one of Rob's videos of one of Gavin's tantrums?  Obviously not, b/c if you had then a hug would be the last thing you would be suggesting.  Would you want to hug a child who was throwing himself all over the floor?  Hitting himself with everything he can find?  Leaving marks on himself as if he just got into a rumble with the local gang?  Would you want to hug a child like that?  I can safely say  that NO you wouldn't.  You would be scared shitless b/c you don't know what's coming next.  Is he going to come after you?  Is he going to come after your wife?  Is he going to come after your two smaller children?  You don't know, b/c you don't know what he's going to do next.  So take your criticism, take your big hugs, take your " son rize therapy"  and go somewhere else with it.  Gavin is not a normal child.  A hug to Gavin means nothing.  Telling Gavin you love him means nothing to him.  Did you not read this full blog or any other blog?  Gavin is incapable of feeling anything like that.  The decisions that are made by Rob & Lizze aren't "snap"  decisions.  They aren't made out of anger.  They aren't made without love.  They aren't made without going over every other possible option.  They are made out of love.  They are made out of fear for everyone involved, including Gavin.  They are made with the safety and well being of the youngest two sons in mind.  This decision wasn't made over night and if you have been following this family, MY family, then you would know that.  So before you come here with your comments of judgment and criticism, take time to start from the beginning and learn about all the struggles this family has been through.  Start from the first story on this blog.  Don't just jump in after reading one blog and think you know better than my sister or brother-in-law.  Thanks and have a great day.

      • MikeNYvetteKennedy says:

        @tikotik30354578 Oh & for the record, if you had ever watched one of Rob's videos of a Gavin meltdown then you would know that Rob does NOT scream back at Gavin.  Gavin is the ONLY person screaming during one of his episodes.  Actually Rob is calm, cool and collected, which says a lot about his character b/c I'm not sure if I would be able to stay as calm as he does throughout one of these.

        • dotdash says:

          @MikeNYvetteKennedy  @tikotik30354578
           
          I have found the posters to this site to be almost universally well intentioned and polite.  I have also found Rob and Lizze to provide very thoughtful and respectful answers to posters, no matter what those posters said.   That engenders trust among readers and their restraint is noted and appreciated.  You do Rob no favors by flaming posters on his behalf.

        • MikeNYvetteKennedy says:

          @dotdash  @tikotik30354578 Excuse me? I have not flamed anyone thank you very much.  I have simply told him/her what they fail to understand.  I have read way too many comments from people who read one or two of Rob's blogs and then think they can leave a comment criticizing his parenting.  They leave their comments thinking they know how to better handle their situation.  I have not flamed anyone…whatever flaming someone means.  If anyone thinks I am going to sit here reading hatred, judgment and criticism from someone who doesn't know them or who hasn't been keeping up with their story then you are crazy.  I will not stand by reading while someone defames any of my family members for something they do not truly understand.  So excuse me for not understanding what you meant by "flaming"  someone, but I was very respectful in my reply to the above comment.  I didn't call anyone names or put anyone down.  I simply stated the truth about the situation to enlighten the above commenter b/c they obviously know nothing of the situation at hand.  To tell Rob that he yells at Gavin?  How would this person know?  I have been present in the household while Gavin has been having a meltdown or while there was an issue at hand and Rob has never so much as raised his voice to ANY of the children.  He is always calm, cool and collected about the matter.  So for someone who doesn't know them to make such a comment is blasphemy.  My comment was aimed at educating this person as to the situation at hand b/c as I have stated many times, they obviously have no clue about what's going on.  They read one blog and think they know it all and have all the answers.  My comments about learning proper English were just absolute truth…could you understand what the person was trying to say?  I wasn't putting them down.

        • MaryAnn47 says:

          @MikeNYvetteKennedy  I would like to extend my support and prayers for you.  I'm so very sorry your sister is going through this hell.  As a single woman who suffers from severe fibromyalgia, I cannot begin to imagine the pain coupled by the extreme stress Lizze must be going through.  I know almost zero about parenting special needs children; yet I'm completely devastated for you and the family and the complete hell Gavin must be putting you all through.  I can only reach out and offer my support, love and prayers to you and encourage Rob and Lizze that they're doing the absolutely right thing for Gavin and ensuring their and the younger boys' safety.  They did everything and more and hoping the dumb-ass authorities  who are "trying to keep Gavin in the home environment" finally see that it just isn't possible.  Yes, I'm completely amazed how calm Rob and Lizze are  able to remain throughout the earth-shattering tantrums.  I know for a fact that I couldn't hold it together for one minute, if not one second.  You are all an brave and amazing family.

        • dotdash says:

          @MikeNYvetteKennedy  @tikotik30354578  Maybe it is as simple as you don't know what your writing sounds to others?    E.g. "take your son rize therapy and go somewhere else with it"?  — that sounds hostile.  "They read one blog and they think they know it all"? — that sounds hostile.  
           
          Maybe you don't mean to be hostile?  If that's the case, just modify your language a bit.  It may not be coming across the way you mean it.

        • MikeNYvetteKennedy says:

          @MaryAnn47 Thank you very much for your kind words and I appreciate the support you lend Lizze & Rob through your kind comments.  I must clarify for everyone though, that I am not a blood sibling of Lizze LOL  I am merely her best friend from high school who considers her and her family my family b/c I love them all so much.  I know Lizze and Rob are going through an extremely hard time right now and it kills me not being able to be with them every step of they way.  I love about an hour away from them.  Way back in high school and after I was there for Lizze at all costs for anything and everything she endured, so this is very hard for me.  I hate not being able to help anyone I love.  I just wish there was more that I could do to help them.

      • tikotik30354578 says:

        @MikeNYvetteKennedy i am very sorry that you understand me different, i did not criticism anybody, i said that ihe could try son rise theraphy. i followed this blog and very love this family, and i dont want someone to think different.. i am very very sad about Gavin, i have autistic child too, and know how much pain is this. i  wish that gavin will be alright and have a different problems, like what to eat at dinner, what to wear and e.t.c. and i wish it with heart. sorry for my english. have a great day too.

        • MikeNYvetteKennedy says:

          @tikotik30354578 It wasn't so much the therapy suggestion that was offensive, it was saying that Rob yells back at Gavin when Gavin yells and that is not the case.  You also told him to give Gavin a hug whenever Gavin was feeling bad, like that would simply solve everything.  I am glad that you follow them, as they need as much support as they can get.  I wasn't trying to be mean, I was just simply trying to give you insight as to the situation at hand.  A simple hug will not work in this situation, b/c if you have been following them you will know that Gavin is incapable of feeling things properly.  When you tell Gavin "I love you" it doesn't register the same for him as it does for other children b/c of his problems.  I was also letting you know that Rob and Lizze have tried every option in the book with Gavin before making this decision.  Trust me when I say this decision was NOT an easy one at all for them. This decision took them a great deal of time to make. Its not like Gavin just woke up one day like this.  He has been this way for awhile, its just that now he is getting older, stronger and scarier. Gavin's problems run way deeper than his Autism.  Again I was not trying to be mean, but if the wrong reader were to read your comment about Rob "yelling" at Gavin it could cause a lot of problems.  Rob has NEVER raised his voice to ANY of the children.  Not during one of the meltdowns or at any time.  He and Lizze are always extremely calm when talking to the children no matter what issue is at hand.  They never snap like most parents, and we have all had those moments when our children get under our skin on a bad day where we lose a temper a bit and yell, but when it comes to Rob and Lizze they always manage to keep their cool about them.  That fact makes me have great respect for them as parents.

  • DLaubacher says:

    You can't live like that. Bottomline.  And there's no easy way to handle that kind of situation.  You've done very well, although I'm sure it doesn't feel like it, but you have, because the biggest thing is you've been getting help all along and you are absolutely sincere in wanting to Gavin to be helped.  God bless your efforts, especially those that don't seem pleasant and are filled with emotion.

  • liberalgoddess says:

    You did what had to be done. Don't second guess yourself.

  • StephanieScott says:

    You are awesome parents and this is something that has to happen to preserve the sanity of everyone in your home, Hugs, prayers & peace for all of you. Do not ever doubt you're doing the best thing for Gavin and all of you!  <3

  • ChrisCrane says:

    he has to be removed from the home, if he has to be in a hospital or given up to the state,and I don't say that carelessly,or without thought, there are more people to be accounted for ,you are between a hard place and HELL,i pray and hope for,all of you ,but if proper treatment for Gavin is not given (not your fault,totally the states fault) all will be lost.love hope prayers,to all of you

  • Mary Franzen Costell says:

    It's been an awful day, no doubt. I keep struggling for words to comfort, but its just so massive. Could you have handled things differently? Maybe, i sure dont know. Would that change who Gavin is? No. This day is simply what has to happen. I'm just sorry it couldn't be easier.

  • Shay Huia says:

    I am truly heartbroken for you. People can say whatever they want about how you should have done this, that and the other thing but the fact is they are not living it. You are. You have to do what is best for the whole family. Including Gavin. I hope this is the beginning of getting Gavin the help he needs so that he can rejoin your family, in a more safe and healthy way.

  • jjean3940 says:

    God bless you both, you are excellent parents.  I will continue to pray for peace for your family

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