This morning, Emmett was picked up by Lizze’s mom. She hung out with him all day long. Right before she arrived, Emmett began freaking out.
He didn’t want to go alone.
When he say her car pull up, he wanted to know where Gavin was. Lizze explained that he was at school. Emmett aked her when he was coming home.
Lizze answered that he wasn’t coming home today. Emmett looked at her and said that he doesn’t want Gavin to come home.
Once he said that, we figured out why he was stressing out about going to see Grandma today. He was afraid that Gavin would be there. Lizze and I were totally taken aback by this.
Up to that point, Emmett had remained largely silent about Gavin in general.
We always knew that he was more affected than he led on but this was a really heartbreaking moment for us, both as Emmett’s parents and as Gavin’s.
Once he knew that Gavin wasn’t going to be there he was okay with going. He still wanted Elliott with him but Elliott was at school.
Thankfully, we made it back home today in time to receive the boys so that they had no contact with Gavin.
I have to be honest with you here. This whole thing is sad to a degree that is beyond explanation. It breaks my heart to know that things have reached this level of dysfunction. Perhaps that’s the wrong choice of words but this is not a normal situation.
I wanted so much better for my boys.
We aren’t going to push Emmett to talk about what he said this morning, unless he comes to us. The reason for that is because this is a situation that is best handled, whenever possible by someone much more experienced in this kind of thing, ie Dr. Patti.
I wouldn’t even know what to say. We can’t tell him not to be afraid of his oldest brother because he has very good reason to be afraid. We also can’t just play into the whole be afraid of Gavin thing because we don’t want to make anything worse than it already is.
As I said, we’ll simply make ourselves available to him if he needs to talk but hopefully we can make it to next Tuesday, when we next see Dr. Patti.
Please keep both Emmett and Elliott in your thoughts. This is a very difficult time for them.
You write with such honesty that I can feel the pain and troubles that you are experiencing. My family problems are nowhere near as difficult as yours. I will be thinking of you as you move through the week to your next appointment with Dr Patti.
@Christin everything is about perspective and all things are relative. Thank you got your kind words.
my youngest daughter asked me the same question about Marc today. Is he coming home? If so for how long? I basically said that Marc has to earn home. if he continues to be verbally and physically aggressive toward others he sure isn't ready to come home.
My oldest used to tell my middle child how he would kill him, so understandably he was quite afraid of his brother. The best thing ever happened was being able to move the oldest into a DD home and enroll him in a behavior school where he got daily counseling. The other children needed some counseling and got it, but overall made the adjustment well. And since the oldest has been in intensive therapy for several years at school and he isn't stressing over his sibs all the time, peace reigns when the boys are all together and they do truly love one another. The boy with PDD doesn't have to deal with his sib with ADHD that drives him insane (noisy, bouncy) which took the pressure off both of them enough that they can have a more normal relationship now… and when things get tense, the oldest can go home and chill…. which is happy making for him.
I have a friend who tried to kill his sister. He was 4 at the time and not a special needs child except for an uncomfortably high IQ. At the grand age of 4 he simply decided that his sister wasn't going to grow up to be an interesting person so he pushed her down the stairs. She was fine, and he never tried to kill his sister again. They are all grown up now and get along fine, (Though he does grouse that she grew up to fulfill his expectations.)
My own family,, I was almost put up for adoption as a bad influence on my sister and brother.
We have in our heads these perfect families that should be. They are terrible tyrants these perfect families demanding of us that our lives fit into their rigid perfection. Demanding of our emotions that we feel a certain way about a situation or a person. We see in places where our reality clashes with the image of perfection and don't see different we see failure.
huggs to you all and remember you are not alone in your imperfections.
@wyrdpookaone Thanks. I like to say that my family is perfectly imperfect. 🙂
I just discovered your blog a couple of days ago. I left you a message after I read the post…the one where you shared the letter you wrote to the judge (a few years ago). I had a powerful reaction to your post for many different reasons. I have been back-tracking and reading a few of your previous stories. I find myself reacting in a visceral manner. I FEEL the pain, the struggle, and the anguish. Although the situations are not identical, there are many factors that make it all seem so familiar. I think today's message is hitting me straight in the heart. I JUST left my son at a hotel with my parents. They just drove here today from NE Ohio. We don't see them very often, and they don't stay for very long. My son, the only one that is NT (he has some sensory issues, but not enough for a diagnosis of any kind) really struggles with his sisters, both on the spectrum. He is twelve. He has a huge heart and an easy laugh, but he gets the raw end of the deal most days. My spouse is on the spectrum as well. It is a full circus at our house most days. My son has really been struggling the last couple of weeks. He wants off the hamster wheel. He needs a break. He wants to get away from the autism. He wants to get away from all of us. He wants his own life and his own identity. And, I knew that letting him have my parents ALL TO HIMSELF tonight would be a huge gift. He cannot imagine how much I identify with craving and needing a break… But for tonight, he is having a rare moment of total separation from his sisters, and he is away from home, but still with family. We rarely have that opportunity. It was my gift to him…a gift he cannot even understand. It tears my heart out when he expresses how he feels about his sister and about autism. He is old enough to be able to articulate how he feels neglected or how he things his needs are minimized by me…and how he feels targeted by the girls…with no means for retaliation. He is expected to be mature and be tolerant and understanding and not hit back or scream at them in rage, yet he is not allowed to have the power and authority of an adult. He can't punish or dole out consequences. He can't get justice. He can't see the fairness in that. I get that. He is only twelve. He doesn't want to think like an adult. And I get that, too. I feel like I live in the land of perpetual guilt. When I care for one, I neglect the others. It is a viscious cycle. So, I just want you to know someone gets it. Clearly, your oldest has some really tough things to deal with…which means you do, too. There are no easy fixes. I cannot say I know exactly what you face, but I get it. I really do. Soldier on, my friend.
@Paradigm wow. Thank you for sharing that. I totally understand.
@Paradigm That's a great idea you left him with your parents. I really need to do that once in awhile for my youngest son who doesn't have autism. Sometimes he honestly deals with way more than he should have to.