It was too good to last: Confessions of a RAD parent

All good things come to an end.  I know that sounds cliche but it’s also true.  Nothing lasts forever and that applies to the Lost and Tired family as well. 

This is yet another sensitive topic but one that is profoundly affecting us right now. 

Let me start out by saying that,  I had really hoped that Gavin could coexist with us. I wanted this not only for myself, but also Elliott, Emmett and Gavin as well.

Unfortunately, Gavin’s time at home has come to an end. As of 5pm today, Gavin is moving back to Lizze’s parents.



In many ways, Gavin’s return home was not meant to be long term.  He simply had nowhere else to go during Christmas break.  Also, in the advent of his most recent autonomic crisis, we needed to keep an eye on him. 

With that said, we have decided to cut his stay short.

I’ve already talked about Gavin’s inappropriate contact with Lizze in an earlier post. His violation of those boundaries was bad enough, but things took a turn tonight while in session with Dr. Patti.

Tonight we had a situation where Gavin laid down on the ground with his legs spread wide open.  He then allowed Emmett to crawl over and try to put his head in Gavin’s crotch. 

I happened to have looked over, right as this happened and shouted at Gavin.  I told Emmett to get away from him. 

Gavin was called over and Lizze,  myself and Dr. Patti confronted him about what had just happened.  He immediately deflected the blame onto Emmett and there was no point in continuing the conversation with him. Having said that, whether or not there was any point, I let him know what I thought of his behavior.

We then called Emmett over and spoke to him about what just happened.  Emmett was just being a 4 year old and had no idea what he was doing. That doesn’t mean that we shouldn’t talk to him about why that was wrong. 

Read This  We are saying goodbye to an important #Autism therapy

At this point we had Gavin come back over and tell Emmett that he doesn’t want him to touch him in his privates.  Again, a pointless attempt to do the right thing.  Gavin made no sense and did nothing but confused Emmett and honestly the rest of us. 

As we are getting ready to leave, Elliott asked to use the bathroom.

It was obvious to everyone that Elliott was going to use the restroom as he announced that he would be doing just that. 

Next thing I know,  I have to pull Gavin away because he was following Elliott and appeared to be trying to watch him.

Anger doesn’t even begin to touch what I’m feeling right now. 

I used to be focused on what his intentions were.  I wanted to know if he knew what he was doing or if it was just a lack of boundaries. I never wanted to believe that one of my kids would be capable of something like this.

I’ll be straight up with you. I don’t give a flying fuck what his intentions are anymore. He can’t stay here anymore.

I’ve been worried about his health and while I still am,  he can’t live with us, even for a short time.  The damage he manages to do is just too much.  I will not sacrifice the safety of Lizze and the boys because I want to hold my family together or I’m worried about Gavin’s health.

While we haven’t had any tantrums since he’s been back, the damage is just the same.  He’s violating people in our home and that can’t be allowed to go on.

We spoke with Lizze’s Mom last night and Gavin will return to their house a week earlier than planned. All we have to do is make it to 5pm.

Aside from angry and betrayed, I don’t know what to feel.  Maybe stupid for thinking that this time would be different? Irresponsible for allowing him back into our home and guilty for just about everything. 

Right now, I’m more Lost and Tired than ever before.



  • We're praying for you guys Rob. Hard decisions, so hard, for any parent – but keep reminding yourself that you are acting in the best interests of ALL your children. {hugs} I wish there were easy answers,but we're never that fortunate.
    My recent post Giving Christmas Love Still Needed for Special Needs Family

  • We're praying for you guys Rob. Hard decisions, so hard, for any parent – but keep reminding yourself that you are acting in the best interests of ALL your children. {hugs} I wish there were easy answers,but we're never that fortunate.
    My recent post Giving Christmas Love Still Needed for Special Needs Family

  • Onyx Panthyr says:

    Mindy is completely right. It's not wrong to wish and hope things would be different just this one time; what would be wrong is ignoring what needs to be done for everyone's safety. You know what you have to do to in order to keep everyone safe and you're doing it.

  • Magimom says:

    You can't allow this to tear your family apart. Yes, Gavin is part of the family, and yes you do love him – that is evident every time you post about him. BUT for the same reasons we chose residential treatment for over a year for our son, you have to make hard choices with Gavin. You cannot jeopardize the safety and well being of the rest of your family for the comfort of one. You are not irresponsible or stupid, you are a dad desperately trying to keep your family intact and functional. That is perfectly normal. We are praying for you guys, Rob! Hang in there and just do what you have to for everyone.
    My recent post Friday Confessional – Mommy Issues

  • mindy says:

    Do what you have to do to keep everyone safe. Don't doubt or second guess yourself. That behavior can't continue.