To all the haters: Why are you so quick to judge?

I realize that by putting myself out there like this, I open myself up to people’s opinions. Usually, I do think have a problem with hearing what my readers think. In fact, I actually like hearing from people and learning what they think.  Many times, I’m met with incredible insight and amazing advice.

Having said that, recently there seems to be a great deal of negative, to the point I actually made my YouTube channel private.

You would not believe the hateful comments I received from people who took the videos out of context and failed to see what I was trying to do.  I didn’t even respond to them and even stopped reading them altogether.
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I even get comments from people on the blog who read one or two posts and decide that we just can’t do without their ignorant and hateful comments.

Look, I realize that it’s easy to judge based on reading a few words.  However, I ask that you please get to know us and our story before making up your mind about who we are and why we do the things that we do.

It’s really easy to judge a family, especially when that family has to say and do things in a certain way because our kids need to be handled in a very specific way. In our case, it comes down to Gavin and the unusual approach we have to take in order to accommodate his behavioral problems. 

Gavin has many challenges but one of the most challenging is Reactive Attachment Disorder.  People make way to many assumptions because a lot of the symptoms are similar to that of Aspergers.  However, and this is a big however, the motivations behind the behaviors are very, very different.  If we responded to him as though he were simply a child with Aspergers, things could get very dangerous.  Not only that but we wouldn’t be helping him.

When you are a special needs parent, you have to make a choice in the very beginning.  Either you are going to do what’s best for your child or your going to care about what other people think.

We have to do many things for our children that may seem mean or even cruel to those outside the window, looking in.  However, there is very often a rhyme  and reason for everything we do. 

Speaking for my family, we handled Gavin the way we did because we love him and we have to address the behaviors before he’s to old to learn new ways of doing things. For those of you unfamiliar with reactive attachment disorder, you have to address the behaviors and promote change from within before their mid-teens.

Trust me when I say that having to parent with way feels terrible and unnatural.

However, at some point, you have to put your faith in what your team of medical experts tells you, must be done. This is especially true, in the absence of a instruction manual.

My family is walking a path that many others will never lay eyes on. That’s both a good thing and a bad thing. 

I take comfort in the fact that not many people know what our lives are like, first hand. That means not too many people have to endure what we do.  However, on the other hand, that also means fewer people will be able to personally relate.

Please, before you leave a comment on my blog or any other special needs parenting blog, really think about what your message will be and how it may be taken. If there’s something you don’t understand or have concerns about, simply ask. I welcome questions because I get a chance to educate and help people to become more informed about what we are going through.

Life for a family like mine, is challenging on the very best of days. Having said that, we never give up and try our best to take everything in stride.

Again, I don’t mean to sound like I’m complaining.  I also want to make it very clear that I’m not referring to people that simply share a different opinion.  I’m talking about ignorant, hateful and hurtful comments.

This site is managed via WordPress for Android, courtesy of the @SamsungMobileUS Galaxy Note 2 by @Tmobile. Please forgive any typos. I know how to spell but auto-correct hates me.  😉

For more ways to help the Lost and Tired family, please visit Help the Lost and Tired Family.


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Marianne Sandling

I love the way you put it… special needs parents have a choice to make… do what’s best for their children, or care about what other people think…  You’re right, but as a special needs parent, it’s also very difficult.. My son has oppositional defiance disorder… this has been one of the more difficult things I’ve had to deal with in my life, and trust me, that’s a lot.  When he was three, he would head-butt me in the spine (horrid pain considering…I have fibromyalgia too, as well as severe migraines.  I understand the considerate and constant pain your wife struggles with) And once, stabbed his father in the back with a sharpened pencil.  We nearly got evicted because of the noise he made.  
It is VERY hard when people judge you, period, but when they judge on a small window of your life, it’s even harder.  Even reading ALL of your posts, one will never get a FULL picture of your life with your three boys and wife.  It’s not possible.  Even if your life were perfect, someone will always judge and have negative things to say.  Look at celebrities… money, fame, fortune… perfect children…perfect house… They’re judged on what they wear…someone writes bad about them because they showed too much cleavage… it’s always something.  There will ALWAYS be someone out there with something bad to say.  It’s NOT possible to please everyone. 
The fact that you’re willing to put yourself out there…  that means ALOT to your readers.  When I found your blog, honestly, I entered a giveaway, and left.  The next day, when I went to do my daily tweet, I ended up reading a post, and it stuck with me.  Now I come nearly every day, to read… that says alot, since I have my own blog to worry about.  Yours is the ONLY blog I visit to read…  It’s because you have a unique understanding of what I deal with… you deal with it too.  While my son is not autistic, we still have a lot of the same challenges.
Don’t let the haters come between us!!!  I want to hear what you have to say.  I want to know what’s going on with the kids!  😉  Hang in there… it won’t get better, that I’m sure of…someone will always whine, but, your readers will still be here!!!!
-M-
Find me on facebook… schwoomsmom

lostandtired

@Marianne Sandling @schwoomsmom thank you so much for your support. Trust me when I say, I have a very good understanding of what you go through. Gavin has Oppositional Defiance Disorder as well. It’s so hard to tell where one disorder ends and another begins. My heart goes out to you and your family.

Marianne Sandling

@lostandtired  @Marianne  @schwoomsmom Having a child with ODD is such a difficult thing. Honestly, I think it’s one of the more difficult diagnosis (with the exception of some mental illnesses) because children with ODD are SO unpredictable and ANYTHING can trigger them.  It’s even more difficult when they have anxiety.   Just know you’re not alone in this world of special needs parenting…  there are plenty of us, and we DO understand!!

lostandtired

@Marianne Sandling @Marianne @schwoomsmom very very well said. Thank you so much for sharing that. I completely agree.

TrishMorrin

Rob,on Thursday night I showed my 11 year old daughter ,your youtube videos of Gavin. The reason I did was because she is not so sympathetic or empathetic to her younger brother Khai and his special needs. She was very touched by Gavin also. I also showed her Gavins videos of his stories, she watched all of the video. I want her to see what its like for our children with so many problems and what they have to go through every day of their lives.
I saw the horrible comments these people have made. My daughter wanted me to write something to these people , but I refrained. To you I would like to say that you should be very proud. To let us in to your life and share your familys day to day journey is truly wonderful. I think you are an exceptionally brave, caring,loving, honest. wise, human being. I am so glad I have stumbled across Lost and Tired. Khai has many behavourial issues,but mild in comparison to Gavins.  I wish I could reach out to you and your family in some way. I wish I could help, but you are helping me. khais behaviour is worsening, Its nice to have somewhere there that knows what your going through. I will join your forum, as I need all the help I can get..Gavin is so lucky, blessed to have such great people in his life, imagine if these people that commented on your you tube were his parents, OMG I would hate to think what would have happened to him. People do not put in the love and effort that I know you have and do each and every day. I  wish my son had someone like you in his life to help him. I seem to be doing this myself, I do not have the support from those around me. I am doing this on my own.
 Thankyou so very much for sharing your life and experiences with us, I am very grateful and humbled by your family. Trish, Dalby, Queensland a very very wet one, Australia.

lostandtired

@TrishMorrin I can’t imagine being in my own. As much as I feel on my own at times because of what’s going on with Lizze. At the end of the day I’m not alone and Lizze does a great deal to help. I’m amazed that you are able to do this on your own. Nothing but respect from this end of the globe… 🙂

Paradigm

I’m sorry that there are trolls visiting your site.  I am incredibly sensitive to criticism…even stupid comments from people I don’t know.  I never experienced any sort of on-line interaction…not even Facebook…before I was on Weightwatchers Online.  That might seem like a fairly supportive group of people.  Ummm, I even went to the message board called Spiritual Space. At first, I naively assumed that meant a place where Christians hung out.  Boy, was I surprised.  Yes, there are a few Christian threads, but, by far, it is a place where people of every spiritual persuasion…or lack of belief…have separate threads. If I ever worked up the courage to comment on another thread, even with polite, kind words, I learned to wear “asbestos underpants.” It wasn’t a place to learn about weight loss. It was a place to experience cyber-stalking, dog-piling, and the endless trolls.  With my thin skin, it took me awhile to figure out that most of these nasty people, the trolls,  were probably not even on the Weight Watchers weight loss program.  The site was open to anyone.  It was a place that “the predatory” actually hunted for the naive and inexperienced and innocent.  It was cowardice, bullying, and flat-out evil. Soooo, for my own mental health, I left.  I have always hated any form of bullying, but I think I learned an important lesson.  The bullies and the haters and nasty trolls are miserable people.  They obviously have issues.  In real life, they are probably one of two extremes: some may be very meek while the others are incredibly aggressive.  What is common is the cowardice.  They sit in their darkened caves with phones or computers, enduring some sort of misery…a life they don’t enjoy, or a burden they don’t want, or a self-hatred so profound that they are like Golem in the Lord of the Rings.  They gain some sort of false adrenalin rush when being the predator in the cyberworld, while they are probably the hunted in reality. It is a hollow power trip for them.  And incredibly hurtful to the victims.  So, all this to say, I understand.  You put yourself out there, and sometimes you get burned.  I agree with the privacy guidelines.  I also agree that you should stop reading comments that take a nasty turn…immediately. When reading anything online, I have stopped reading the comments of strangers, period.  I don’t care what starts the comment thread, within three or four comments, someone starts personally attacking the other posters, slinging out cuss words and personal insults.   Within ten or fifiteen comments, the conversational point of origin is buried in the dogpile.  It is utterly ridiculous.  EVEN if the other people posting are genuine parents in similar situations…which I sincerely doubt…nothing is ever gained by attacking and slinging insults. I suspect that all of these  negative posters and trolls have absolutely no purpose in their lives.  Clearly, they have time on their hands if they have time to crusie the interent looking for others to bash.   It may seem crazy to say this, but your life is FULL of purpose.  Every moment of your life is lived with INTENTION.  You are trying to get three young boys from point A to point B and help them reach their full potential.  And, you would like to survive the process. This is your vent space.  This is the place where you can breathe a litte.  To those who can’t mind their manners, shame on them.  And, I will be honest, your journey is painful to read.  And, I am quite sure, painful to live, at times.  Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I read your stories and immediately get some perspective on the concept of “hard and challenging.”  As my husband would say, invest in some asbestos underpants, and some troll spray.   And, from one parent of mulitple special needs children to another, “Carry on.”   From Lisa (who grew up in Wooster)

lostandtired

@Paradigm I don’t know what to say. That was really nice of you to say. I agree will all you had to say. Thank you so much. That doesn’t seem like enough but I really mean it. Thank you.

Marianne Sandling

@Paradigm I’m the same way… I’m extremely sensitive to criticism… that’s probably the main reason why I don’t share much on my main blog.  I do have a second blog, but it’s really more of a diary… I hesitate to share it with people because with my anxiety, it’s hard to listen to the things that Rob puts up with…  Schwoomsmom.blogspot.com is “my 3 boys, my life”.
My mom always said that those that talk crap about others really just don’t like their own lives, and are taking it out on someone else…  😉

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