I realize that this will sound cliché but you can cut the tension in our home with a knife. Gavin’s been home for two days now and to say that everyone is in edge would be grossly understating things. 

Truthfully, he’s been pretty calm but we’re already seeing the manipulation starting and the stress level in the house is climbing.

At the moment, we’re working on getting his medications straightened out and getting all the documentation we need for the changes that need to happen at school.  Physically, he’s been pretty stable today so he’s probably going to return to school in the morning. 

As bad as it may sound, we already need the break.

Lizze is facing this situation with courage and grace, even though she’s scared to death of him.

I don’t know how to explain what living with a child like Gavin can do to even the strongest of people. Lizze is the absolute strongest person I know and Gavin’s tortured her to the point that even talking about him coming home causes an anxiety attack. 

He’s already influencing the other kids and it’s quite apparent that he hasn’t lost the ability to control people through manipulation.

One of the most frustrating things is that from the outside looking in, he seems like the sweetest kid in the world but the reality is much darker.

The combination of Aspergers, Reactive Attachment Disorder, Bipolar, schizoaffective Disorder, ODD and ADHD makes it extremely difficult to know what’s what, because many of the symptoms overlap.  The water is so muddy that you can’t see your hand in front of your face, let alone navigate the complex and confusing journey that is Gavin’s mental health.

This doesn’t even begin to factor in his extremely rare medical issues that seem to get more and more complex as things continue to worsen.

I feel so broken right now because I don’t think I’m doing anyone any good.  I can’t figure out a solution to this where everyone is taken care of.  No matter what I do, someone will pay a very high price.

Despite all this, I’m really trying to remain positive. 

To be completely honest, this is the closest I’ve ever been to giving up hope and I hate that.

I have to remain hopeful or at least learn to fake it because my family is looking to me. I have to pull us all through this and I have no idea how to do that. 

It’s really important to me that I still give back to the community and try to improve the lives of other families, even if my hands are tied with mine.  I want my kids to know how important it is to show compassion, even if you have nothing more to give. I don’t want them to be an example,  I want them to set the example.
I truly believe in paying it forward and that’s the example I want to set for my kids.

For tonight, I think I’m going to try an help Lizze to relax and maybe even relax a bit myself. 

Elliott is getting sicker and while he doesn’t know it yet, he’s going to the doctors in the morning.  Unfortunately, we have to hide this from him until the last minute because he’s going to completely freak out and the less time he has to worry, the better off he will be.  All he’s going for is a check up and to see if he needs antibiotics. Even with that knowledge, he would still be terrified.

I pray that we will have a manageable day. 

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