Tough choices

I’ve been talking with Lizze about everything that going on with her and Gavin.  I realize that from the outside looking in, it could appear as though we have just thrown Gavin away. The reality, couldn’t be farther from that.

Gavin is a very, very complex child and always has been.  His needs would be difficult for anyone to meet on the best of days.

While we have moved him out of the house, we moved him in with family.  He’s loved, cared for and comfortable.  It’s not that Lizze’s parents love him more than we do, it’s the simple fact that there are no emotional  expectations placed on him while he’s there. 

A child with reactive attachment disorder doesn’t do well with emotional expectations. 

At home, he has two very active and demanding younger brothers.  While they can all get along well at times, Gavin is more of a loner.  He is happier in his room alone, watching Netflix on his tablet.

By transplanting him into his Grandparents home, we are recognizing that it’s a better environment for him.  At the same time, we are meeting the needs of everyone left in our house because they no longer live I  fear of his next outburst.

I realize this may sound strange but moving him out was as much an act of love towards him as it was towards the rest of us.

It kills me to know that my family is broken apart and no longer together.  In fact, Dr. Patti has expressed concern on several occasions that she fears that my stress over this situation is going to cause me to have a stroke or heart attack.

While it may appear that I have picked sides in this tragic situation, I haven’t.  Picking sides would be way easier to manage.  Instead, I’m working to ensure everyone in my family has their needs met, with the exception of my own.

Looks can very often be deceiving, especially when it comes to some of the tough decisions that need to be made as a special needs parent.


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rmagliozzi

You’ve done the right thing with Gavin. If my oldest or youngest needed a different environment and a school or caring relative could provide that, it would be hard, but I would do it for them. He has to keep his stress levels low, and so do all of you.

lostandtired

rmagliozzi you’re right. I’m working on being okay with this.
🙂

hudginsvicky

Rob, 
You’re a sensitive guy who has more on his plate than any man I know. I know it’s hard when you feel like you’re being attacked, but try to ignore it. I know that’s easier said than done. Every decision made by parents of special needs children is agonizing, primarily because we know that the slightest mistake can impact our kids’ lives forever. We are constantly bombarded with Solomon-like choices, and are constantly questioned about our choices by others, experts and non-experts alike. 
The funny thing is, it’s usually people who know little to nothing about the situation, who seem to have the most to say. Those with a fair amount of wisdom and knowledge in the field of brain disorders are usually the most compassionate. 
Because of your stark honesty on this blog it’s easy for people to take pot shots at you. You could choose to guard your information more carefully, but then the overall desire to help others would be diminished. 
As I’ve said before, an overriding sense of guilt is a burden many special needs parents carry, because we feel that as parents we should be able to protect our children from whatever befalls them. All parents in these situations suffer physical and mental exhaustion, from lack of sleep and extreme stress, combined with little or no respite. Your so-called “defensive” response is partly due to being mentally and emotionally rundown, and most likely, in poor physical health.
Your life is an open book. Trust your family, your parents, and those most close to you medically for direction. They are in the best position to give you helpful and honest criticism. Don’t waste precious time and energy defending yourself. 

Victoria

lostandtired

hudginsvicky thank you so much for your support. It really means a lot. 🙂

murry6

You seem very defensive on this subject. You’ve posted many, many times about how you feel that what you’re doing is in Gavin’s best interests. If that’s so, than why the repeated insecurity?
And didn’t you once before say that the wraparound people felt you’re chances of getting funded residential treatment were better if Gavin were moved out before hand?
I just think some readers are getting confused by your varying messages…

lostandtired

murry6 there’s nothing really confusing about this. Our chances of finding funding for Gavin’s residential care is not impacted by him being at his grandparents.
At this point in time, the direction towards residential care may have changed because of new possibilities.
I’m not trying to send mixed messages, but the situation is constantly evolving and therefor our plans have to evolve accordingly. Residential care is not out of the question, it may be Gavin best chance and we’re not talking permanent placement. If it were to get funded, it would likely be about 6 months of treatment. The goal being to help him develop the skills he’s lacking.
On the topic of insecurity, you’re damn right I’m insecure. Who wouldn’t be? Even though this is in his best interest that doesn’t mean I have to like it or even feel good about it. I worry all the time about whether or not we’re doing the right thing.
If I happen to post about this topic, it’s because I’m feeling the need to do so. Writing about it helps me to work through the rough times.
I really appreciate your opinions here. I didn’t realize that I was sending mixed signals.

Grace

lostandtired murry6 I think it’s perfectly fine to send mixed messages.  There are so many layers of emotions when it comes to kids.  I can’t imagine how many more layers are added by the special needs aspect of parenting.  This blog resonates because of your honesty, including your self doubt and your insecurity.  It’s normal to feel conflicting emotions and to different aspects at different times.  Come on, who doesn’t do that?

Grace

lostandtired murry6 It’s normal to send mixed signals.  There are many conflicting emotions when it comes to parenting.  I imagine that increases by orders of magnitude when it comes to special needs parenting.  This blog resonates because of your brutal honesty, including your self doubt and insecurity.  The issues you are dealing with are very complex.  By addressing different sides of the issues at different times, it comes across as mixed signals.  Actually, you are dealing with the two sides of the same coin.  I understand and appreciate that.

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