I hate me (A heartbreaking guest post)

      13 Comments on I hate me (A heartbreaking guest post)

I was asked to post this by someone  who wishes to remain anonymous.  Out of respect for their privacy, I’m happy to respect their wishes and will not reveal their identity.

I’m no stranger to guest posts as I open my blog up to almost anyone that wants to share their story.

This one however, is unique in the sense that it’s a confession of sorts about this individuals personal struggle with being Autistic.

This isn’t an easy read and it will probably  be upsetting to some.  It’s also important to note that this is one Autistic individuals feelings  and  doesn’t necessarily represent the feelings of anyone else. 



Having said that, I feel strongly that this is a very important message because if even one person feels this way, it’s one person too many.

Please leave your kind words of support in the comments below.  Please keep any and all negative comments to yourself. 
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I hate me

                  by Anonymous

I am an adult with autism and I have a confession to make.

I hate me.

I try my best to be the proud self advocate that everyone wants me to be. I write about how great autistics are or at least, can be, if given the chance. I share every inspiring and honest story about autism that I can find. And I try to be brave in front of everyone so that people can see that even me, with my autism, can be every bit as important as they can be.

But I have to be honest. It’s not easy for me to say but I really do hate me. I hate being me but that’s not what I mean. I mean, I hate me. 

I have so few friends and I sit here wishing I had more of them or that I’d hear from them more often. Yet when the phone rings, I cringe. I hate the idea of having to talk to them. I hate having to hear “hi, how is it going?” one more time. I have to hold myself back when all I really want to say is “what do you want?”

There are things about relationships I’ll never understand. Like saying “I love you”. I get what it means and how important it is but why does it have to be said all the time? If I’m with someone for 10 years, and still with them after and still wanting to be with them for the rest of our years, shouldn’t they just know that by now? Why is it so bad that I’m not saying it every day? And sex in a relationship. I see it as being an over glorified massage. A really really great massage but other than feeling good, to me, has just as much importance. I enjoy it obviously but I don’t get why or how it’s important if you love each other with or without it anyway.And don’t bother trying to explain it to me. You’d be the 100th person and I still won’t get it.

image

I didn’t eat yesterday. Not because I have no food or no money but because I had no desire to go get any food. I was hungry but I just had no desire to get up. To go. To do anything. Eventually it was too late and I just went to bed.

I don’t take very good care of myself. I hate having to spend time every single day doing the exact same thing over and over again when I’m not going to be seeing anyone anyway. And if I do, I don’t look good anyway. And I hate how I look even more than they do so why am I bothering? I’m overweight and out of shape and I can’t stand it. But I won’t do anything about it.

I have zero will power. I have far more concentration and determination than anyone I know but zero will power. To eat better, go out for a walk, participate in something that’s for my own good, to just do anything! I can’t convince myself to do it. And if I do, I won’t do it a second time. I can not do something for the sake of doing it. At all. Ever. And it makes no sense to me. I want to do these things. I really do. But I can’t. I just can’t. I hate me.

I have every desire to read and learn and grow and be the smartest and best at what I do. I think about this over and over again while I have my face buried in a pillow, frustrated with myself because I’m not doing any of that. And when all of the time has passed that I could have been doing exactly that, I hate myself for letting another day slip by where I’ve accomplished nothing. Then I do it againtomorrow.

I talk to a psychiatrist. He doesn’t say anything. Why? Because I talk. I say to him “I know I’m supposed to just force myself to do it and then I’ll like it while I’m doing it. And I would. But I can’t anyway. And I wouldn’t do it again. And I know I should write down the things I hate about myself and then focus on one thing and come up with ways to change them individually. But I can’t. And I know that I should find things to do that interest me and find others with the same interest but I can’t. I’ve done all these things and more and yet, here I am.”And the psychiatrist listens. Because I’ve said all the things he was going to say. Because I’ve heard it all before. Because I know it all already. And here I am.

I don’t have friends. I want friends. When I had friends, I didn’t want to go to them. I didn’t want to talk to them. But I wanted them. Now I want friends. I hate me.I don’t have a life. I want a life. I want to do so much with my life but I don’t want to actually have to go and do it. I hate me.

I’m sitting here by myself and I’m supposed to be writing about how proud I am, how great I am, how misunderstood autistics are. And autistics are largely misunderstood. Still though, I hate me. And it’s not all autism’s fault. Most of this is just me being me. Which is why I hate me. I know what I need to do and yet I don’t do it. And I hate me even more for it.

I’m a self advocate and I don’t want you to think that all autistics are like me. I don’t want you to think that autism makes everyone hate themselves. But I hate me. I’ve always hated me. I think I always will. And I hate me even more for it.

I’m no one. I’m just one story. I don’t speak for anyone but me. But I’m a self advocate and this is me. And I hate it.


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About Rob Gorski

Father to 3 with Autism and husband to my best friend. Oh...and creator fo this blog. :-)

  


  • favour says:

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  • anon says:

    i can relate to your post, and see me there too, thank you for posting.  Hugs xx

  • Dan Muphy says:

    Heartbreaking is an understatement. Hopefully putting those feelings into writing will help. Sounds as if there is plenty there for friends to appreciate.

  • KarinAntal says:

    *sigh* This post breaks my heart and makes me wonder. 
    Aside from the autism, I could have written this. My heart goes out to you. I understand. I really do. I’m not sure how I understand, but I swear I do. Love and light to you.

  • Ange Hemmer says:

    I offer compassion and acceptance and so much, so much, so much more.  I offer this and hope it goes straight to your soul, the part of you that is reaching out, hoping it doesn’t get lost in all of the other parts that are struggling and feeling so self-hating right now. Hating oneself is awful and unforgiving. Yet, somehow, it can be the only comfort and safe thing one has, especially when in the deep darkness of depression, that can swallow one whole and make someone feel so alone. You are not alone, at least in spirit, I stand by you, in support. –AH

  • jillsmo says:

    Oh my heart 🙁

  • chavisory says:

    “Do you know, in 900 years of space and time, I’ve never met anyone who wasn’t important.”  –the Doctor
    It sounds to me like there could be a lot of intersection going on between issues of depression and issues of autism for you.  And it’s a very difficult combination because issues of autism for adults are badly understood even by a lot of professionals.  So first, can I ask you to be just a little bit proud of yourself, because you’re actually dealing with a *very difficult situation.*

    I am not a diagnostician, so necessary disclaimer, you should see a
    professional and not take my word for it.  And I know you said you’re
    already seeing a psychiatrist, who isn’t being much help, and believe
    me, I *know* that seeking out and screening mental health care providers
    is a huge, energy-draining burden, and particularly so when you’re
    autistic…but I think you should find a different one.  They’re not all
    like that.
    If you haven’t, please, please please see a doctor and get checked for any possible nutritional/hormal deficiencies.  Incredibly simple things like hypoglycemia or vitamin and mineral deficiencies can make symptoms of depression much, much worse.

    You don’t always have to write about how proud and happy you are.  Sometimes it just bloody HURTS to be this different and this misunderstood and unsupported in the world.  That’s real and that’s okay to talk about.

  • KatMoody says:

    I wish I had the words to help you love yourself, to feel valued and loved … but I think you broke me a little. I wish I could reach through the screen and give you a hug right now, no matter how unrealistic a hope that is. I wish … So many things that I can’t do. 
    So here’s what I know and what I will say – you are an amazing and unique person, who has something great to offer this world. Sometimes a person can’t see the awesomeness that others see when they look at them. I also wonder if you have put too much pressure on yourself to be the ‘perfect’ self-advocate? Be kind to yourself! 
    My husband is an aspie and as I read this I couldn’t help thinking you were verbalizing so many things he has told me over the years. 
    I’m not an aspie – I drive my poor husband crazy because I’m social, outgoing, and can’t fathom why he has trouble talking to strangers (they’re all best buds to me!) – but I empathize with what you’re feeling and hope that you can take strength from all the comments posted here — you likely make more of a difference every day than you realize – but with this post you’ve help verbalize something often left unsaid (I might be outgoing, but my hubby and three guys on the spectrum leave me feeling like the little advocate that could … when I just want to bury my head in the sand instead!)
    You are amazing. You are special. You are worthy of praise and kindness. You are a real person with real fears and emotions and failings – but also with real strengths and triumphs. Be kind to yourself.

  • Autism Proud says:

    Thank you for sharing, sometimes just saying it out loud can help you feel better. As a proud and thankful member of Al-Anon, I know a lot about self-hate, and fighting depression. I am currently struggling with depression and experience many of the same thoughts and emotions you describe in your very brave post. I have struggled with these feelings most of my life, and I am not Autistic. My 4yr old daughter is Autistic, and I pray that I will be able to help her live her life without the same issues I faced, and still face. I pray that I can help her listen to her own heart, mind and body and find a way to be happy in the world just being her. It is through the honesty and bravery of people like you, that us parents learn, and hopefully find a way to help our children become honest and brave adults. Thank you again for sharing, you will be in my prayers, and I will be praying you find peace and self-love; because everyone matters, and I suspect you make more of a difference than you realize.

  • soulmirror says:

    Lost_and_Tired people matter, even when they think they don’t.

  • soulmirror says:

    Lost_and_Tired thank you so much for sharing.