I’m completely buried and at my breaking point



Update: Sorry about the multiple posts. I told you my phone wasn’t working right. 🙁

I deleted the extra uploads that took place.

I’m completely buried right now.  Something I haven’t really been talking about much lately is how Lizze is doing. 

Typically, I don’t like to speak for her because she has her own blog and shares her story there. 



Having said that, she’s not doing well….at all. 

Menopause is not being kind to her, in any way shape or form. In fact, it’s made everything worse.  Her migraine is worse, her depression and anxiety is worse as well.  The weather has taken a really cold turn here in Ohio and between that and menopause, she’s been living in one long, giant fibro flare. 

She began her estrogen last week but guess what the side effects are? That’s right folks, friggin headaches, nausea, loss of appetite and feeling tired and restless, just to name a few. 



These are all things she experiences everyday anyway and so all the estrogen and menopause have done is enhance these symptoms and make them worse than what they already were. 

Hopefully, this is temporary as her body adjusts to the hormone replacement therapy. 

As for the menopause, we have no idea how long this will last. 🙁

She’s literally sleeping for 12+ hours a night and is taken over by sleep during the day as well.  I completely understand and this is not her fault, it’s having a hugely negative impact on everything. 

Her body has essentially crashed and just can’t do anymore. 

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She pushes herself to help as much as she can but the price for that is extremely high for her and so honestly, it’s not worth her doing that to herself. 

At the same time, if she doesn’t, than I’m literally on my own and that doesn’t work out so well for us either.

We are waiting for an appointment with a psychiatrist at the Cleveland Clinic that specializes in anxiety and depression in menopausal women. Apparently, it’s a different situation and needs a different, more specialized approach.  I have to call Monday and check on that because as of now, we have no ETA on when she can get in. 

While this isn’t about me and I truly mean that, in a way it sorta is.

Everything that makes things more challenging for me, impacts my health, sanity and ability to function.  If I go down, we all all go down. 

At what point do I worry about me and not necessarily for the sake of myself, but for the sake of everyone else?

I’m trying to do way too much and the shit just keeps piling on. Gavin’s health, Lizze’s health, simply keeping Emmett from shoving things where they don’t belong, helping to reassure an emotionally struggling Elliott Richard, finding work, keeping up with the blog (which helps with finding work)  and simply continuing the losing battle of trying to juggle the bills and keep ahead of the shut off notices,  is absolutely draining.

I’m worrying constantly about being able to keep up and at the same time, not let the boys and Lizze know that I’m worried.

The fact that Gavin’s home again only serves to make the challenging, impossible.  We have to supervise any contact with his brothers and that is proving to be very, very difficult. 

Since Gavin’s been home, Elliott and Emmett have been acting out a whole lot more than before.  Hopefully, this is a transition period and things will improve as time goes on.  Who knows? I know I don’t.

Having to do this alone is just something I don’t know that I can continue for much longer. 

What Lizze is going through is not easy at all and it’s not a mind over matter type of thing.  She can’t just suck it up and do what needs to be done.  Unfortunately, that’s not how this works.  Her body is simply spent and we are doing everything possible to help her through this but there’s no time frame for these things and this could go on for a very long time.

I’m not able to get out and walk, which was improving my health and sanity because I’m shackled to the house is killing me. 

I’m at my breaking point and I need to figure something out before I drive myself into the ground. 

The only thing keeping me from totally losing my mind is this blog and sharing my feelings.  With that said, this POS broken phone isn’t making things any easier and getting a working replacement is proving very difficult. 

Overwhelmed, demoralized and helpless is the only way to describe how I’m feeling right now.


This site is managed via WordPress for Android, courtesy of the @SamsungMobileUS Galaxy Note 2 by @Tmobile. Please forgive any typos as autocorrect HATES me. 😉

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About Rob Gorski

Father to 3 with Autism and husband to my best friend. Oh...and creator fo this blog. :-)

  

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MariaHall
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MariaHall

Can the boys ride their bikes while you walk? I have been doing that in a desperate bid to find my own feelings of sanity. I imagine that getting some sunshine with daddy will be happiness for them…whether they walk with you run ahead, or ride their bikes in lazy circles around you. Gavin, I know that you fret having him exercise, but surely he can have the job of looking after mommy while you get your walk for a half hour. It might make him feel like a big boy having that terribly important job…. ?

lostandtired
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MariaHall Not really, they don’t have bikes because they can’t safely ride where we live. Taking them is something I’ve done in the past but it usually doesn’t end well because they all want to do different things. Gavin wants to run, which he can’t. Elliott wants to explore the creek and look for shells and Emmett is all over the place. As far as leaving Gavin alone with Lizze, that simply cannot ever happen. Gavin has reactive attachment disorder and so he targets Lizze. That’s a large reason we had to move him out in the first place. He was… Read more »

KathyBrower
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KathyBrower

Do the boys get Medicaid? If so, look into PCA hours. Maybe you don’t think anyone can handle Gavin’s complex needs, but the littler boys do not appear to be on throw end of autism, and while they may be hard, you CAN find someone to help you. And it isn’t out of your pckt. It will do no-one any good of you are sick enough to be hospitalized at some point, especially if it can be prevented.

lostandtired
Guest

KathyBrower That’s something to look into . Thank you 🙂

dotdash
Member
dotdash

Would it help you to know that from the outside, it doesn’t seem as if there is any way *anyone* would be able to make your household work?  Five people, four pets, a lot of disability of various kinds, no jobs, terrible neighborhood — that does not add up to workable, no matter who is in charge.   The fact that you are not homeless is the amazing part, not that you are not thriving.  In another century without our social support?  In Dickensian London?  1900 Lower East Side?  One hates to think about it.  This is not at all… Read more »

lostandtired
Guest

dotdash Thanks Dot. 🙂 Truthfully I get frustrated with her situation. Having said that, it’s completely outside of her control and know that she will get better and back on her feet at some point. She’s the strongest person I’ve ever met and she’s my very best friend in the whole wide world. How we make it work is as big a mystery to me as it is to everyone else. We just work well together and I couldn’t imagine going through this with anyone else.  You always have great things to say, even when we debate politics, which we haven’t… Read more »

Jeanette
Guest
Jeanette

I know I’m kind of late to this party, but I just wanted to offer my “chin up, buttercup!” to you. I’m not in such a crazy situation, but with a 6 month old whose just teething and crawling and becoming very clingy, and a husband with autism (which is kept private, so I get to be his therapist as WELL as wife- yaaay!), and us being on/dealing with PA because I can’t work…I totally empathize with you about the breaking point thing. You just zombify yourself to autopilot in order to get everything done, and it REALLY burns you… Read more »