Leaving no room for interpretation

Once again, we are having issues with those friggin Legos and Gavin. I’m honestly torn as reasons behind Gavin’s confusion over the rules. 

So, in an effort to make the rules easier to follow, we have removed any and all wiggle room that allowed for anything to be interpreted.

Clearly, the rule that said, Gavin cannot build anything out of Legos for his brothers, wasn’t clear enough.  The rule is now, Gavin cannot build with Legos… period. This makes it black and white and removed any and all grey areas. 

Now there should be absolutely no confusion over what he can and cannot do, in regards to Legos. 

This isn’t something that I relish at all. 

I hate taking things away from any of our kids.  The problem is that with Gavin, we could spend all summer trying to figure out the motives behind Gavin’s not following the rules. Perhaps he really does forget or maybe he’s conveniently, unable to remember.

We have seem plenty of the convenient memory loss but we have also seen a little bit of actually being unable to remember.

Legitimate memory loss is few and far between but it happens enough to raise doubt. 

image

Overall, Gavin does suffer from memory issues.  That’s not in question.  What is in question, is the fact that the only thing he claims to forget are the rules and doing anything that will get him in trouble.

There a difference between Gavin not remembering and Gavin not wanting to get in trouble.  He actually reacts differently.

Unfortunately, until we know exactly what his limitations are, we have to based on what he’s historically done.  The sad thing is that we may never know what his limitations are.

For now, we just have to make sure that any rules are crystal clear and not open to interpretation.

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lostandtired

I appreciate everyone’s concerns, I really do.  While some of you clearly have some misplaced anger, I appreciate your opinions as well. I’m not going to justify anything that we do because it won’t make a difference.  Having said that, I assure you that the decisions we make are thoroughly vetted through our specialists.  
It’s easy to make assumptions when you’re on the outside looking in.  
Despite what you all may think, we are doing the best we can with Gavin.  It’s important to remember that Gavin is entirely unique and you have never dealt with a child like him.  We do it every single day and know that while it may seem like we are being mean or cruel by limiting things and removing video games we are doing what’s best for him.  
The other thing is that you are focusing on the bad.  
For the record, while it’s true Gavin can drive me crazy, we have a very good relationship. 
Please have a great night and remember, no one is making you read  my blog. If you don’t like, don’t stress yourself out over it.  Stop reading.

Annoymous

Why would you not allow Gavin to make something for his brothers?  You seem very harsh with Gavin.

julh

If you don’t understand why gavin can’t make things for his brothers, you don’t understand enough about the situation to judge.

Annoymous

You’re a dickhead

Dwayne Murphy

You’re being unfair. How about this rule: If Gavin decides to build something for Elliot, he must also build something for Emmet as well. Gavin loves Legos, and I’m quite sure that he’s not going to let this go without a fight. He may not erupt now but he will sooner or later. When my parents tried to pull this crap on me, I brought the house down around their ears. How would you feel if someone who is bigger and stronger than you just arbitrarily took something away that you liked or enjoyed doing?

lostandtired

Dwayne Murphy when you’re sitting in my house, having to deal with what we are dealing with, then you can judge.  Until then, you’re armchair quarterbacking and life is always much cleaner when you can make decisions without ha ingredients to deal with the consequences.

Dwayne Murphy

lostandtired Dwayne Murphy Why don’t you just ban Gavin from the Legos for a few days or a week when he doesn’t follow the rules? He is already going to miss out on so much in life because of his physical and mental health problems–so permanently banning him from something like Legos, which is a perfect activity for him, just isn’t right.

Annoymous

Dwayne Murphy lostandtired   I’m glad CPS is looking into this family, the way he has treated Gavin over the years is horrible.

Dwayne Murphy

@Annoymous Dwayne Murphy lostandtired The mom and the dad clearly don’t deserve the CPS treatment. But I do agree with you about the fact that they should treat Gavin better. Forcing Gavin to eat just oatmeal and permanently restricting him from video games and Legos is utterly reprehensible. Just thinking about that makes me very angry. I’ve never seen how the mother interacts with Gavin but I’ve seen how the father handles him; I bet that the father is 50% responsible for Gavin’s tantrums and behavior problems.

julh

You’re talking like they’re torturing him. He eats oatmeal every now and then as a direct consequence of his actions. Would you rather he grew up thinking that he could do whatever the hell he wants and not be held accountable for it? As for restricting video games and lego being “reprehensible”? get a grip people

Dwayne Murphy

julh With Gavin’s health problems (especially the immuno-deficiency!), he should have protein with every meal in order to keep his strength up. And, if anything, he shouldn’t be skipping meals–and that’s what happens on the many occasions that they force oatmeal on him. And Legos and video games are some of the few things that he can enjoy. So, yes. . .Lizzie and Rob’s actions are reprehensible as far as those issues are concerned

MeaghanGood

Dwayne Murphy lostandtired Gavin does not eat “just” oatmeal. When he throws a tantrum, for the next meal he gets oatmeal as the MAIN COURSE. Like, to pull an example out of the air, if everyone is having tacos, rortilla chips and dip, Gavin gets oatmeal in place of the tacos. So he does eat other food. And he doesn’t get oatmeal at every meal, just when he misbehaves.

julh

Dwayne Murphy julh I disagree. Please remember that anything Lizze and Rob do with Gavin is thoroughly vetted by his team of professionals, who are also able to read this blog. If Patti or any of the other doctors had a problem with they way they discipline Gavin, it would’ve been shut down long ago. I work with kids like Gavin, they are extremely hard to discipline. If you don’t teach a child that negative actions have negative consequences then you’re not doing your job as a parent. Do you live with them? Do you see everything Gavin eats? Do you see every meal he skips? No, no and no. Just because a pyromaniac enjoys playing with fire, should they be allowed to do it? The fallout from Gavin playing video games and the risks involved with him making Lego for his brothers (see any of Rob’s posts on sexually aggressive behaviour) far out weigh the enjoyment that he gets from it. As Rob said, he finds something else to do. Gavin is not the only child in this family. Nor is he the only family member with special needs – would you like to be in Rob’s position, juggling the health and emotional well being of 4 people on the spectrum with complex medical needs?

lostandtired

Dwayne Murphy I was trying to ignore you and be nice but you need to understand something.  You have no idea what you are talking about.  Are you a doctor? Are you privy to all of the behind the scenes things that I’m all too aware of.  
Gavin is never deprived food, ever.  
On occasion, due to negative behavior, he loses his choice over what he will have for the next meal.  The default in our house is oatmeal.  We have someone with a tree nut allergy son we don’t use peanut butter and jelly. 
Your ignorant word vomit is beginning to get annoying and I’m going to ask that you refrain from speaking about things you know nothing about.  
Everything involving Gavin is heavily monitored and because of his health issues we have to restrict things in his diet, per doctors orders.  
As far as the oatmeal goes, in the weeks since Gavin’s been home, he’s had it twice.  In fact his gastrointerologist is very happy with this outside the box approach because Gavin needs to eat oatmeal more often.  
Gavin likes the oatmeal but hates not having the control and that’s the point of the whole thing.  
As for the Legos and video games, there is a rhyme and reason for all of that and I’ve been very clear about that for years.  You should read through the Archives and you might be able to better put these things into context. 
Once again, I appreciate your concern for Gavin, I really do.  You need to know that you aren’t helping matters by attacking us in this manner.  You are going on very little knowledge and very, very big assumptions.  I know that you feel some sorta kinship with Gavin but you are jot Gavin and Gavin is not you.  
I’m sorry for whatever has been done to you in your life but I’m not the person you are assuming I am.  
I really try to just let people have their opinions and do my best to respect them but you are taking things too far and I feel the need to set you straight.

Dwayne Murphy

lostandtired Dwayne Murphy You should heed my advice because I’m in pre-Med. My advice to you: Start drinking heavily. LOL If you can guess which movie I’m referencing, I promise to let this issue go. . .ha! And I did defend you and Lizzie from the commenter who said that you deserve the CPS investigation–so I’m not a complete bastard.

lostandtired

Dwayne Murphy lostandtired I know that you most likely mean well so I’ll bite.  The movie is Animal House. 🙂

Dwayne Murphy

lostandtired Dwayne Murphy When Gavin refuses to eat oatmeal, he is not allowed to have anything else and that counts as food deprivation. It’s a simple concept. Gavin should have protein with every meal. I know a lot about nutrition because I’m 5″8 and I used to weigh over 335 pounds. Now, at age 37, I weigh 160 pounds, run marathons, and have the blood pressure, sugar readings, and triglyceride and cholesterol levels of a thin, athletic 18 year old female.

Annoymous

lostandtired Dwayne Murphy  You assume you are the only parent with special needs children, and you are not.  You are harsh with Gavin.  I’ve been reading your blog for years and my heart goes out to Gavin.

lostandtired

Jodi p dotdash I totally get it.  However, Gavin does much better with rules like this.  He doesn’t get upset, he simply moves on to something else.  In fact, the other boys will lose interest as well as soon as Gavin’s not involved.

Dwayne Murphy

lostandtired p123 dotdash He’s losing interest because you’re forcing him to lose interest. Legos are a perfect activity for a physically challenged boy like Gavin.

dotdash

It would never work in our house to have toys some kids could play with and other can’t.  Especially lego, which is so damn attractive!   I can see you do a lot of hard work so that your kids succeed (all those awards!); this seems like setting up the situation so Gavin will inevitably fall victim to temptation.  Do you simply need more legos?   I’m sure if you sent out a call for help, you’d get thousands of pieces in the mail next week…. people would love to be able to help out in some concrete way.

Jodi p

Are you removing legos from all or just Gavin.
It would be hard still if there are still legos available in the house.
Are you still giving him 100% supervision when he is with the other boys.
Have you developed techniques to attempt to repair the bond lost in him. There is a lot of stuff out there about repairing the bond and developing the attachment
The women in child of rage is now a neonatal nurse which is crazy after the issues she had and things she said.
There is hope for an attachment of some sort to be developed.
He did have aspects of love and attachments before.

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