This afternoon found me really struggling. Lizze held off on taking her meds this morning because I was supposed to be on an international conference call for work and the boys were home from school.
When she took them about lunch time, they really knocked her out.
I let her sleep until 3pm and asked her to please get up and help me. After she came down, she wasn’t able to stay awake. I was already overwhelmed and with her sleeping, I had just help with anything.
I wasn’t mean or anything like that but I didn’t give her neatly as much patience as she deserves. 🙁
She was trying to explain to me what was going on but I just told her to go to bed and I would worry about the dishes and dinner.
She’s felt really bad and I was just too overwhelmed to sensitive to her needs.
The truth is that I sometimes have a hard time understanding what she’s going through because it’s not something I’ve ever experienced myself. For example, if I’m tired, I get up and move around. It helps to wake me up and keep going.
In Lizze’s case, it doesn’t matter. She will literally fall asleep standing up because of numerous factors including, an untreatable sleep disorder, menopause related sleep deprivation and medication.. She has no control over this and I don’t always remember this when I’m feeling overwhelmed.
I’ve apologized to her and will try to remember going forward that I need to be more patient.
Proud of this? I am not.
It’s one of those things that happens because I’m not even in the same universe as perfect. I live, learn and will hopefully do better.
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I can see this is a hot topic for everyone.
Let me ask this (which is maybe a good compromise): if your wife is awake when everyone else sleeps, why can’t she do housework then? Nothing would stop her from doing some laundry, dishes, etc…
Just my thought. Then you aren’t stuck pulling the entire load, and she can feel good about finally helping out.
I also respect the love and support you have for your wife. If you read your blog on a regular basis, it is very clear you are under tremendous stress. You paint word pictures of what it is like to be in your shoes caring for a family you love so very much. But the words also show that you are carrying this load at a very high cost to yourself. Sometimes outsiders may have some clarity (based on the information you have provided yourself) that you are not able to see at the time. I also know that sometimes you can’t afford to really look too closely if you are going to carry on from day to day with what you have on your plate. I have often wished for you to have some guy friends that you could have even a little time for yourself where you could just relax, or have some respite services.Just because you post in a blog does not give your readers permission to be profane or ugly, but sometimes you might hear things that have a ring of truth that hurt also.
Rob it happens and is totally understandable. Yes it is heartbreaking what your wife is going through but it isn’t easy for you either. With that said… It is good to get this out and the Internet is good for that. But you can’t continue pulling the whole weight of this family by yourself. It is not healthy for you and it’s not right you should have to do this. You need in the flesh, hands on help! Everybody needs to contribute to the best of their ability and to help themselves as much as they can. What can the boys do around the house to help? They need to. It will keep them busy, give them life skills and may even be therapeutic. It looks like family does help with the boys. Can you call them at times like this? Does your family qualify for any in home therapies, nursing care, respite? I feel for you and Lizzie but I share the concerns of Kim Gebhardt. This is not going to get better the way it is going now.
KimGebhardt upliftingfam Kim I agree that Rob might be stretched to his limits; however, if you are a regular follower he does get a break from his children occasionally. When school is actually in session, he has the day time hours to rest and work without the stress of the boys being at home. This winter has been fairly harsh and has left kids stuck at home due to school being closed. Also, Lizzie and Rob’s parents do take the kids occasionally giving both of them a break.
I think the family should also look into some type of home health or service that is offered to help assist with the boy. Maybe they can come in and work with the boys.
Of course, the boys might actually enjoy helping with some basic household chores like doing the dishes. I realize that they might feel overwhelmed at first but generally kids enjoy helping out. They will need these skills if there want to be independent in the future. Simple chores like dishes, clearing the table, laundry, picking up the house, or vacuuming would be a great place to start.
Good luck to Rob and Lizzie.
Spencercat that’s entirely possible but it felt alot like an attack on my best friend. Thank you for being a well spoken voice of reason. 🙂
*some* not all.
Is it possible her comment was coming from a misplaced sense of empathy for all you have on your plate right now? Granted, she went about it in a very underhanded way, judging when she simply has no right to. No matter our similarities and our ability to relate to each other, what we read on the Internet only paints a very high level picture of any story. The nitty gritty of day to day life isn’t laid bare for all to read and take in. That being said, I think we all worry about you, you are in an impossible situation, doing your best to play the hand that you have been dealt in life. I admire your courage and respect the depth of love that you have for your wife.
rjones22 Thanks. I was unable to show such restraint….. 😉
KimGebhardt upliftingfam this is a very good point and a far more respectful way of prese ting it. Thank you very much. 🙂
To answer your question, you are absolutely correct to be concerned. I am as well. This is why we are putting so much effort into her getting back on her feet.
Most of the time I feel like I cope pretty well and I’m not climbing the walls. Other times, not so much.
upliftingfam Thank you. 🙂
@cathryn I most certainly do not understand. You have no idea what she’s living through. I would be really interested to know what you are living through since you can so arrogantly judge my wife.
You give me credit for loving her? Are you fucking kidding me? She’s the strongest person I’ve ever met and I will not tolerate you slandering her. She has chronic health problems and has endured more in her 33 years than most will in a lifetime.
We are not in the same situation. Even if we were, our experiences would be different.
She does help and pushes herself every single day but ends up paying for it. How do you think your words would make her feel?
Please don’t bother to leave these hurtful comments, as they are not welcome.
upliftingfam I agree with this, but there’s also the very real possibility that she’s going to help push her husband into an early grave if she doesn’t try to help more. Rob can barely hold this family together as it is, so what chance would she have if something were to happen to him?
@cathryn We don’t know how much Lizzie does behind the scenes and not all pain is the same. No one can really know her level of pain just like you can’t tell my level of pain. I think you should cut Lizzie some slack, I am sure she tries her hardest to deal with the life she was dealt. If you don’t sleep at night(when the kids are) there is no choice but to do what you have to do to sleep. Without sleep and pushing herself too hard will only result in more pain and problems.
i was going to respond to cathryns comments but everything I could think to write would be negative. I didn’t want to say anything negative ince cathryn has the “same ailments” as Lizzie plus has an autistic kid and some abused kids and I could not imagine telling this women “to take care of her own shit” because has all these “ailments” and abused kids and an autistic kid which is a 24 hour a day job to where she has to have live in free help. She must be having a really bad day and I really do wish her the best.
she really needs to get her shit together, I suffer from some of the same ailments as her and also have 3 , 17 yr old boys…2 severly abused and have multiple problems, and one child with autism and many other problems that require 24 hour care.he has to be restained at least 2 imes a week,in and out of school. I have had to hire someone to help me..i let her stay rent free. you can’t do it yourself and she could push herself to at least help with dishes, I give you lots of credit for loving her but it also sounds like she is playing you…..sorry for the negative comment but I’m sure you will understand coming from someone who is in the same situation as you.