I want to begin by saying how much I appreciate your concern for my wellbeing. Everyone is always concerned about Lizze and the boys for obvious reasons and sometimes it does feel like I fall through the cracks.
It occurred to me that I should probably share a bit about how I’m doing and perhaps answer any questions you may have..
In all honesty, I feel like I’m doing okay.
That doesn’t mean I don’t struggle or have really bad days, because I do. It just means that I’m holding everything together and I feel like I have a pretty firm grip.
The hardest part for me is probably what Lizze is going through because it has such a profound impact on the whole family. While she’s been struggling for many years, it has put a great deal more stress and weight on me. I hate seeing her suffer and we’re doing everything we can to get her the help she needs to make it through.
When it comes to the boys, I worry alot. I’ll easily admit that.
There’s a lot to worry about, especially with Gavin and his endless health issues. My biggest fear is that we’re going to lose him to one of these issues that I’m pouring all I have into fighting against. Stopping or even backing off of this fight, isn’t something that I think I can do…..
Elliott and Emmett are in need of my constant attention. I try my best to divide myself up and meet the needs of all that need me.
As you can imagine, this doesn’t leave a whole lot of time for me to do things for me. Most of the time I’m okay with that because my family is my life but sometimes I miss having things for me.
I do get frustrated when Lizze can’t help or when Gavin makes choices that makes everything more challenging. I absolutely despise homework. Getting the boys ready for school is a nightmare anymore because Emmett refuses to go.
There are plenty of times where I find myself wishing that I could go back in time and relive some of my less stressful days. I would never stay there but I would like to remember those less tragic days, when I was in college or on the fire department.
I miss having a clean, organized house. It’s not like our house is really bad but I can never seem to get it caught up, even when Lizze can help.
Despite accusations to the contrary, I miss working. I miss being able to provide for my family in a way that makes our lives better. If nothing else, I miss the adult contact and grownup conversation… I’m finally working again and I grateful that it’s out of my house because it affords me the flexibility to take care of everyone.
This list can go on and on but the point is that while I’m happy to be there for my family, I think I have lost a sense of who I am. Anytime I want to do something for myself, I feel incredibly selfish. Always putting oneself last means that one’s needs are never met.
I’d love to go fishing. I’d love to have a new Xbox One or PS4 and lose myself in a video game for awhile. I wish I had my office back. I gave that up for the kids to have a play room but they never use it. It’s become storage of sorts but I think I’m gonna reclaim it and rebuild my home office. I need that place for work anyway.
What I miss the most from my previous life is my career as a fire/medic. I miss saving lives and driving fast. There’s a sense of brotherhood that you have when your a part of something like that and I’ve never found a way to fill in the void left when I retired.
What I miss the most is my wife. I miss having fun and seeing her smile. I miss her laugh, which she hates but I love.
How am I doing? Okay. I guess I’m okay. Things could be better but things could be worse. I’m finally making some progress on the bills and I feel really good about that. Everyone is getting the help they need and I make sure that happens. That’s also something that makes me feel good.. Tired, exhausted, overwhelmed but also good.
This is the bottom line folks, I’m doing about as good as I would imagine that anyone could expect from someone in a situation like mine.
I have and appreciate the support of all my readers and online friends and family. This blog has really helped me get through some really tough times. I haven’t been writing like I used to but it’s generally because I’m too tired…. I really want to get back to it like I used to. It’s a huge help for me emotionally….
Thanks again for asking about me and expressing concern. I really do appreciate it.
This site is managed almost exclusively from my Samsung Galaxy Note 3. Please forgive any typos as auto-correct HATES me. 😉
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