Today marked the one year anniversary of the day Lizze’s Aunt Paula passed away. This was probably the single most devastating things to ever happen to her and she has yet to even begin to deal with this loss.
It’s been a particularly trying day for me because Lizze is in a really, really bad place (See I don’t fucking care anymore) and aside from dragging her to get some lunch with a coupon we got the other day, she hasn’t even gotten out of bed.
I’m the kind of person that wants to console someone who is grieving. Lizze is the kind of person that wants to be left alone when things are bad.
Sitting on the couch tonight, I can’t begin to explain what it feels like to watch my best friend in the whole wide world, be in so much pain and yet I have to stay at arms length. It goes against the grain, at the core of who I am, to keep my distance and respect her need to be alone.
Today’s definitely been a long day and one that’s had its high points, as well as its low ones.
Lizze’s therapy appointment was canceled this morning due to Dr. Pattie not feeling well. She stayed in bed and I took the boys to the park for some early morning exercise/adventures. It was a pretty good time and everyone did really well.
After that, the boys hung out with my Mom for awhile and I got to get a few things done, including a nap. I was going on 2 hours of sleep and couldn’t help myself.
Little did I know how much I would need that nap by the time we were done at the boys Tuesday night therapy session.
I took the boys to Dr. Pattie’s tonight. She was feeling better and came was seeing patients in the evening.
The main topic of concern was in regards to Gavin’s loosened grip on reality. Dr. Pattie and I talked about the increase in RAD behaviors, as well as the return of his visibly challenged friends.
At one point, we called Gavin over to tell us about his adventures. What we got was a 25 minute long, detailed and confusing rendition of what he’s been doing and where he’s been going.
There aren’t words to describe what it feels like to listen to your son detail his interactions with things that only he can see and hear. This goes so far beyond an active imagination and is very likely full blown audible and visual hallucinations.
I’m so tired of being tired. I’m tired of endlessly worrying about what’s going to happen next.
I’m tired of praying that tomorrow is going to be a better day………
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if this post shows up twice sorry, i wrote it and then dont know what happened being tech challenged, i probably didnt hit the button. long story short is i wish there was something i could say to help lizzie but tell her that i am sending love to one good mom to another. regarding you being tired of being tired please know there are a lot of people out there including me that feel the same so you are not alone even though that probably doesnt help. hanging in there is all you can do. i am such a fixer (i think like you are) that it is worse because it seems like there should be something we should be able to do even though we are already doing everything we can.love to all and also i couldnt click on to the link (where is is I dont f****** care anymore. it sends me to a message that says Oops
i am so sorry all this is happening and at the same time know that there are a lot of people out here that are with you about the being tired of being tired. i dont have any good words to help. Please let lizzie know from mom to mom that i am thinking about her. i dont have much experience with death of a loved one that i care about so i dont even know any good words of comfort or encouragement.