Today was tough for me. Emmett was up all night after having a nightmare. I finally crashed around 4 am-ish and was up in time to get Elliott to work by 8 am. I’ve been really out of sorts today and very easily agitated.
I managed to get all of my work done and the business had a pretty good day, if I’m being honest. That’s definitely a plus.
Despite the obvious positives today, I couldn’t shake the conversation I had with Gavin last night. It was deeply upsetting to me, and I’m still feeling like a failure. I’m looking at his paperwork tonight and I’ll get it filled out tomorrow. I just need to make some progress.
Anyway, the purpose of this post is to answer a question that I keep getting asked. I’ve avoided answering it for a couple of years now, but I just don’t care anymore. While I won’t go into too much detail, I’ve decided to answer the question.
It’s no secret that I’m a single Dad. I don’t hide that and talk about it quite a bit because it provides context to the challenges in my life. I want things to be learned from my experience and with any luck, perhaps you can avoid some of the mistakes I’ve made. That’s kinda the point of all of this.
When I talk about how overwhelmed I am, the first question I’m damn near always asked, is where’s the boys mom?
Majority of the time, I just ignore it altogether, but sometimes I try to give a politically correct answer that doesn’t paint anyone in a negative light. I’ve always been concerned about what the kids know and I never want them to learn something for the first time by reading it here.
Here’s the reality of things. The kids know exactly what’s going on. They live it every single day and they have for years. There’s nothing left for me to really shield them from at this point. They’ve figured everything out on their own. Trying to protect the image of someone who no longer exists, is pointless and absolutely fucking exhausting.
Where is the kids mom? Why isn’t she helping? Honestly, she simply chooses not to. She is very much uninvolved in the kids lives. They visit every other weekend but it’s mostly the grandparents taking care of them. There’s been several disruptions to the visits because they weren’t healthy for the kids. Eventually, after some time and effort, I manage to get things back on track but it’s just become a never ending cycle of disappointment and heartache for the kids.
The bottom line is that I get no help from her and really haven’t in a very, very long time.
I have absolutely amazing ex-inlaws who are always there for the boys. We get along great and I can always rely on them. I also have amazing family on my end as well. My parents are very involved and my siblings are just a phone call away.
The reality is, that I’m the only functioning parent my kids have, and considering where I am emotionally right now, it’s really sad. It’s a somewhat complicated situation, with lots of moving parts. Despite all these things, it really just comes down to choice.
I can’t make anyone do anything they either don’t want to or aren’t capable of doing. That line can sometimes be a bit blurry, but at the end of the day, we all make choices and we are accountable for them.
I’m very much alone. I’m exhausted, burnt-out, overwhelmed, frustrated, depressed, and honestly a little bit angry. I know that I’m far from the only parent out there doing this. There’s far too many single parents who are doing everything on their own, for one reason or another. My heart goes out to each and every one of them.
My life may be a little more complicated, and arguably challenging, but everything is relative. I feel like I’ve lost my footing and I’m struggling to get it back. I can’t seem to get traction right now, but I will soon enough. I’ve just hit a low point and need a break. I’ll bounce back. I always do but this low point is hitting me harder than usual.
I really pushed myself today and tried to keep moving. I took the dogs for a walk before bed and that felt really good. Elliott and I ran out to the store, and like I said, it’s been a good business day.
I’m gonna try to get to bed early because Elliott needs to be at work first thing and I’m getting my second COVID booster. I assume the next few days are gonna suck but maybe they won’t. Maybe I won’t get hit too hard with side effects.
Anyway, I just wanted to explain what was going on and answer that question that I’ve avoided answering for so long.