Some times I just wish I could run away from my life. I’m tired, frustrated, angry, pissed off and done with everything. I would give just about anything to move out of my neighborhood but I can’t. We have 2 or 3 neighbors that I could never replace and would truly miss. I haven’t had a good nights sleep in so long (years, literally years). Sometimes I don’t even feel I can even function anymore.
I was just about to lay down last night and both kids woke up at the same time. We had some inconsiderate neighbors that were being entirely to loud and woke up both kids. ER was hysterical I don’t think he was feeling well to start with. 0nce he woke up he didn’t go back to bed for HOURS. EJ was the same way. He screamed at Lizze for HOURS last night. We had to divide and conquer again. Once I finally got to sleep I was awoken because Gavin was throwing a fit.
Yesterday I decided I was going to pay it forward to Gavin. I fixed his LeapFrog Leapster and gave it to him. I thought I was doing a good thing. I thought that there was no way he would ever earn it back the way he has been acting the past few weeks. I took a leap of faith and surprised him with it. I was hoping to spark something inside him or maybe just reconnect on some level. I explained that he would have to follow certain rules with it. The biggest one was he wasn’t allowed to play it after bed time. Well turns out he woke himself up last night, found it and played it till morning. Lizze found it hidden on his bed this morning and took it. Gavin demanded to know where it went. She explained why she took it and Gavin melted down. This is why we can’t do things like that with him. He exploits it every time.
So far today he has not listened. He keeps doing things we tell him not to. It like he gets up every day thinking about how he can push us over the edge. There is an element of “purposefullness” (if that’s even a word) in most of what he does. He’s a drama king and it got old a long time ago. I swear he thrives on conflict. I know many people out there will find this hard to accept or believe but welcome to my reality. Not every child with Autism is the same and some are more difficult then others. Some like Gavin have a multitude of major mental health disorders.
I get forced to spend what little I have left chasing after Gavin. That leaves nothing for ER and EJ. I’m getting resentful because of this. Gavin says he’s “sorry” rather he screams he’s “sorry”. I don’t believe him. He’s only sorry when he gets in trouble. He’s not sorry that he just hurt one of his brothers he’s sorry he got in trouble. I truly don’t know what his motivation is to do these things is. I’m not sure what the payout is.
I said a long time ago I was going to be honest regardless of how it sounds. I know how these things sound believe me. I love Gavin even though he frustrates me as much as he does. I’m just getting to the point where I have to draw a line. ER and EJ need more from me then I can give then right now. I owe it to them to be able to give them the best of me and right now I don’t even like being me. I spend far to much time and energy every day having to deal with Gavin’s behavioral issues. He still appears to be manic and we are left with few options in the meds department. This summer is going to break me. Well, hopefully not break me but maybe drive to the edge of sanity.
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