I have been sitting here trying to distract myself from the idea of going to bed and not having Lizze there next to me. Last night I suggested to Lizze that maybe this would be good for her. I wan’t trying to push her out but I need her to get better. And to be completely honest what she is experiencing is very destabilizing and very, very fine balance we have been trying to maintain. I don’t think it was good or even healthy for any of us to continue down that road. This isn’t going to be easy but I don’t see any other option. Lizze was not going to survive if she continued to be subjected to the extreme levels of stress. I honestly don’t know how she made it this long. She is the strongest person I have ever known.
I sat and cried after she left. I feel like my family is falling apart. Lizze and I have been a team for so long I can’t imagine doing this alone. When I asked her last night if she thought this would benefit her I really wasn’t thinking we would ever go through with it. When we decided it was best for her as well as everyone else I knew I was setting myself up to fail. How can I do alone what we couldn’t do together. The honest answer is that I can’t do it. How am I supposed to work? I can’t fix computers or even develop new versions of my Android ROM. I will literally be chasing after Emmett all the time. I will fail the question is just when and how bad. I not trying to be a downer but I am realistic. There is no benefit to living in a fantasy world. I just wish things wee different.
This is by far the biggest sacrifice we have had to make for the kids and the biggest I have had to make for her. I pray that this works so that none of this will be in vain.
-lost and tired