I wanted to take a few minutes and share some more private things that I think are important. The reason I want to continue sharing this is because I don’t think there is anything to be ashamed of and I want to help combat the stigma associated with depression.
So here goes nothing 🙂 Oh…and in case your interested in reading some of my past Confession posts look here.
I have been battling with depression for many years now…on and off. I was actually doing quite well and was off antidepressants for most of this year.
However, I began to struggle a few months ago. I became very….. preoccupied with my own morality and what would happen to my kids if something happened to me. Preoccupied is really an understatement, I was obsessed with my own mortality. I couldn’t stop worrying about my children’s future. I began fixating on things like freckles and would convince myself it was something like skin cancer. I knew that it wasn’t, but I couldn’t help the feeling of impending doom. I literally felt like I was going to die.
I realize what triggered this. Back in Feb of this year, I had an experience that I think, quite literally broke me and set in motion my little downward spiral. You can read about that here.
I would go through periods of time where I was able to find my footing and begin to move forward again but then something would come along and yank the rug out from underneath me.
I found that as my life became more stressful, I began to decompensate at a faster rate. I found it harder and harder to find my footing anymore. I felt that in most cases I was able to suffer in silence, meaning that I could still function but I was tormented by these thoughts and fears. Truth be told, I wasn’t compensating nearly as well I thought I had been. I was overwhelmed and constantly looking for reassurance that I wasn’t dying. I guess I hadn’t really noticed this because I was to wrapped up in the struggle to realize I was driving Lizze crazy.
I was still managing to pull everything off that needed to be done but I was beginning to drag everyone else down. Eventually, I realized that I could no longer manage on my own. I sat down with Lizze and told her that I wanted to get back on medication. I felt that it had become necessary for me to bump myself up the priority list and get help. Lizze was very supportive as usual and I got in to see my doctor.
In some weird, irrational way, I thought I would be letting my family down by getting back on antidepressants. I felt that with Lizze being so heavily medicated all the time for all of her health issues that I needed to be unmedicated to make sure that I was able to care for everyone. Noble intentions? Yes. Misguided? Absolutely. So, I have been on Paxil for about 4 months now. Things are going better and I’m no longer tormented by cyclical thinking, meaning I have been able to move passed the obsession thinking and worrying.
As things are becoming more and more stressful, I thought it would be good to talk to my doctor again. We decided to bump up the dosage and see how that helps. I think it will have a positive impact, especially going into the holidays and with all the associated stress.I hate the idea of being on medications again, but I’m so glad I made the decision to do so. My family deserved a better me and hopefully, that’s what they now have. 🙂
If you feel like you may be suffering from depression, please get help. There is nothing to be ashamed of.
For more information on depression please visit the Mayo Clinic website.