Calling the police on your own child

Today is the worst day in Lost and Tired family history.  Gavin was caught lying after repeatedly being told not to do something. 

Upon questioning,  he completely lost it.

He had the worst meltdown I have personally ever seen. This meltdown included coming after me,  taking a swing at the dog and putting a hole in the wall.  There was self-injury and violence like we have never seen.

It was so bad that I came extremely close to actually calling the police and having them remove him from the house. 



That has never happened before and I feel sick to my stomach for even thinking about it.

Lizze was in the phone with Dr.  Pattie who backed us up in the whole police thing.  We decided that he needs to go somewhere but that it isn’t safe for us to take him ourselves. She also pointed out that this could be related to the removal of the depakote this week.

Depakote is a mood stabilizer and an anti-convulsant.  It may been helping to smooth out his moods and once removed,  all hell breaks loose.

It’s possible but he was headed down this road anyway, even on the depakote.

Not that I ever know what to do but at this point,  I’m completely lost. I have no idea what to do anymore. I don‘t know where to take him or how to get him there.

I told him that I love him but that violent people have no place in this house.

After close to an hour, Lizze finally gave him to the count of 3 to get under control or she was going to call the police herself and have them take him to the hospital (this is something that brought tears streaming down her face).

How did Gavin react? He simply shut it off, like nothing had happened,  before she reached the count of 3.

I truly don‘t know what to do.  We have begun gutting his room of anything that could be used as a weapon.  He will be left with his mattress,  blanket and pillow,  at least for now.  He will also not be leaving his room today,  with the exception of using the bathroom….

This of course pissed him off even more. As far as I’m concerned,  he has lost all freedom and privileges.  These will have to be earned back over time.

Right now that’s all we know. We are trying to help the other boys relax and feel safe. 

You should understand that sending your child away,  regardless of the reason, is much easier said than done.  There is a huge emotional hurdle to overcome first. Then there is the guilt and feelings of failure or giving up that will haunt you decision. 

Then there are the logistics.  You have to find a place,  then that place has to have an open bed and be willing to take him. 

Majority of the time,  you have to go through the ER and follow the proper channels.  This can take a very long time. In fact, one of the last times we sat in the ER at the Cleveland Clinic for over 12 hours. 

I don‘t relish the idea of doing that again.

The other thing to think about is the out of pocket expenses involved.  While money should never be a deciding factor,  the truth is,  it can be. If Gavin goes somewhere farther away,  we will have a great deal of commuting ahead of us.  You don‘t just drop your child off and leave.  You are heavily involved,  from being to end.

Travel expenses may exceed your resources and then what do by our do?

We have been there and done that more times than I care to remember.  That’s one of the reasons that I truly don‘t know what to do. Even if we go through with this,  there’s no guarantee that anything will actually help him. Clearly it hasn’t up to this point.

It can turn into to one of those situations where the means aren’t justified by the end result. The problem is that we don‘t know anything until then, accept for the fact that this can’t be allowed to continue.

We are going to spend the rest of the day making calls and trying to figure out what to do… 

I could use any and all advice that you can throw my way…. PLEASE.

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**Thanks for reading**

       -Lost and Tired

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About Rob Gorski

Father to 3 with Autism and husband to my best friend. Oh...and creator fo this blog. :-)

  

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Rob Gorski on Facebo
Guest

Thanks Jeremy. I appreciate it.

Guest
Guest
Guest

My son started depakote last Aug. to help with his aggression. He did fine on it for a few months but then it seemed like he was worse than before and he kept telling me that the medicine made him feel bad and he kept getting headaches so we took him off in Mar. He seemed a lot better for a couple months but now he is having more and worse meltdowns again. I think the lack of a schedule during the summer may be causing the problem for him since that is when he is the worst. He hasn't… Read more »

Rob Gorski
Admin

Exactly…Exactly.. You are so right. It\’s the very same way with us. Either of our parents would take him for a few days, but it\’s like a reward for him.

It wouldn\’t be long before he would create situations so that he would have to go again.

Thank you so much for saying that. Not many people understand that. It\’s part of what makes this so difficult to manage.

chris crane
Guest
chris crane

If Gavin is a danger to himself or others (and clearly he is) he must be hospitalized, I can only imagine how you and your wife feel,but if he would harm himself or one of you at home , it would further traumatize the family.He needs to placed as soon as a bed can be found,then you can start looking into what to do long term and where the best care can be found for him. But now is the time to act ,a bed may be found quicker if they police are involved,thoughts and prayers go with you guys… Read more »

Rob Gorski
Admin

Thank you. We are doing that right now. I\’ll have an update shortly that will better explain. Thank you so much for the support.

Diane
Guest
Diane

Please don't feel horrible calling the police!! I have had to do it 4-5 or maybe more times, resulting in my, at the time 13 year old, going to the hospital then to in patient, etc. I have been there – it SUCKS – but I was being bitten, tables thrown at me, my daughter being attacked, many pieces of furniture thrown, walls punched, etc. I could talk until the cows come home about this. It is NOT bad to call the police – I hated to, but had to for everyone's safety. They have always been good about understanding… Read more »

Rob Gorski
Admin

That\’s pretty much where we are right now. We have been here before but he was much younger and easier to manage.

Now he\’s older and stronger. This equates to more danger for everyone.

Diane
Guest
Diane

(Cont) He has been on tons of meds – Depakote was horrible for him and coming off was horrible. He is only on Wellbutrin XL right now and is a bit moody, but NOT violent. Please hang in there. Please do not feel bad if you have to call the police – I have shed many tears over the police calls but there was no other option. I want you to know I've been there – I GET IT!

tracysautismblog
Guest
tracysautismblog

Just my opinion but it seems that if he was able to shut it off, that means he has some kind of control over it and reasoning skills. I agree with the other comments, he needs to be hospitalized and stabilized and possibly have some behavioral cognitive or biofeedback therapy. The poor little guy needs help, and your family does too. I know it is not easy to send your child away. In fact it will be the hardest thing you have ever had to do. But sometimes you have to say "What is best for him? Staying here or… Read more »

Rob Gorski
Admin

That is really good advice. Very well said. That is exactly what it feels like. Thank you so much for putting into words what it feels like.

Diane
Guest
Diane

Me again, the police will bring him to the hospital. Hopefully (sorry, but true) they will put a 72-hour hold on him. If inpatient is needed (sorry, also, but been there), it will give you time (the social worker at the hospital will help) to find a bed (been there where there were none and had to take my son home). It may seem harsh, but trust me, my son is SUPER strong when violent and scares me (which makes me almost cry again because I know the anguish you and Lizzie are going through). I hope you contact me… Read more »

Rob Gorski
Admin

Thank you Diane, for everything..

jennifer
Guest
jennifer

I am so sorry that you are going through all of this. It is never a decision a parent wants to make. Your family is always in my thoughts and prayers. The commitment you and Lizze give to those boys inspires me to parent my children better than I have in the past. You are truly an awesome man and father for working through all of this. Thank you for the window into your world and helping the rest of the world understand parenting special needs kids.

Rob Gorski
Admin

Thank you so much. I truly appreciate it.

Kathy Buehler
Member
Kathy Buehler

Okay, if it is easier to approach this from a medical standpoint, maybe he needs intervention for the removal of depakote. Anytime we took a kid off of depakote, it was a very gradual process, and perhaps he can't handle not having it. Then, I know the very first time my child was taken away by police, it is a most terrible feeling of failure as a parent, but in hindsight, that is nonsense. Maybe the ones being failed right now are the other 2 kids… Please, please, try to approach this not emotionally, but practically, that Gavin needs professional… Read more »

Rob Gorski
Admin

Thank you Kathy, you said it. He was weined of the depakote but that doesn\’t mean that it didn\’t throw things off, especially considering the balance was so fragile.

That\’s the direction we\’re choosing to take. If there is a chance the depakote could be a mitigating factor, it needs to be checked out.

aimee
Guest
aimee

I found your blog at ‘normal is a dryer setting’ by Amy Wink Krebs. They had their very very violent son put in residential care a year ago, And he is doing amazingly well. They see him on weekends, And I don’t know if insurance pays for it or what. You may want to get in contact with her, she has a lot of experience in this area.

Rob Gorski
Admin

Thank you very much. 🙂

Jeremy Guenther on Facebook
Guest

Rob, we need to talk sometime, I have already called the police on my son. It is hard but sometimes you are left with no options, safety first for the family always.

Dorothy
Guest
Dorothy

Unfortunately we’ve been there. Our daughter was in & out of the psych hospital 6 times. She’d go in because of her anger/lashing out and would end up discharged days later because she wasn’t a problem. She would be fine, polite, calm while there so insurance wouldn’t approve more days. After a couple days home it would start all over again. Thankfully they finally saw the behavior and were able to keep her longer. I think we were going about once a month at its worst. She’s been doing well over the past year and we haven’t had to go… Read more »

Danielle
Guest
Danielle

Is he on multiple other medications as well? While know you are saying these meltdowns are controllable to a point for him is it possible that drug interactions could result in these out bursts. He is coming into puberty and the teen years and there have been studies that hormones etc can effect the wat drugs work. I know a family member had this issue with their child, in turn she had to br hospitalized and taken off all meds to see what state she was at with out them and go on from there. She went from self injury… Read more »

Mike N Yvette Kennedy on Facebook
Guest

Not that I am proud of this, but my parents had to call the police on my when I was about Gavin’s age for pretty much the same reason multiple times. It was probably the hardest thing they have ever done in their life, but was needed. In a situation like this what you have to remember is that not only are you, Lizze and the boys in danger, but Gavin is also a danger to himself. Sometimes we have to take extreme actions to protect out children from themselves and also protect us from them. I know it’s easier… Read more »

Monica Kaye
Guest

Rob and Lizzie, Lifting you guys up in prayer and so wishing I could do more. Praying for safety and wisdom and clear direction for each difficult step and for PEACE.
My recent post Weak then strong (A Dan post)

Whacamole Mom
Guest

I don't have advice, just empathy. My child is much, much younger. Her meltdowns are far more manageable…for now. But she and her young peers easily could come to this one day too. I salute your bravery and honesty. Thank you for sharing your story.

That being said, while medications certainly are not always the answer and never fully the answer, your instincts seem pretty on the mark. I'd definitely explore that further.

I hope you find the answers you seek – for him, for your family and for all of us.

Cassandra S
Guest
Cassandra S

I am so sorry! Our daughter was hospitalized in a psychiatric hospital three weeks ago and came home after five days. Things are NO better than before she went in. It's so frustrating. I do know how you feel!!! Praying for you!
My recent post Book Review – "Choose Joy" by Kay Warren

chloe
Guest
chloe

Thinking and praying for you and your family
My recent post Dreams really do come true! Different… Not Less, We Need Acceptance, not just awareness!