I was wondering if anyone else out there gets resentful? I don’t necessarily mean anything about our kids.
Perhaps frustrated is a better word to use. I find myself frustrated and even a bit resentful because while my family is struggling to survive, it seems like life just goes on, all around us.
I’m the oldest of 6 kids and everyone lives within 30 minutes of each other, some just a few minutes down the road. You know what, I never hear from any of them. No one seems to have a clue how bad things are going for us. I mean, it’s not like I keep it a friggin secret. Jesus Christ, I have almost 1,000,000 hits every single month. Do you know how many of them are from my siblings?
They love us and they love the boys, there’s no question about that.
Why not be more involved? Why not try to help us? Why not call and just see how we’re doing?
Today at Easter dinner, I was really in a bad place. I was listening to everyone talking about places they go together and all the fun they’re having. I’m happy for them and I want them to have fun but why do we seem to be forgotten?
I know we can’t go most places and we never have money to go out but that doesn’t mean we can’t at least talk on the phone.
When something goes wrong, Lizze and I are the first ones that everyone goes to for help and we’re always happy to give or do whatever we possibly can.
Just so we’re crystal clear. I don’t feel like we’re entitled to anything and no one owes us at all, but it would be nice not to feel like we’re forgotten. Every day is such a struggle and sometimes it would be nice to not feel forgotten.
Do you ever feel like you’re forgotten by those around you? Do you ever get frustrated or feel hurt that life goes on around you as though you and you’re family aren’t there?
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I don’t feel forgotten about but I do feel resentful. My family, most of them, call quite often. The whole seeing each other and spending time with each other part is where I have my issue. I have 3 sisters, all of whom have children of their own. One of my sisters lives about 20 minutes away and my mom always complains about not getting to see her kids enough but when she does see them she keeps them for weekends and sometimes weeks. She constantly babysits for another one of my sisters keeping her son overnight as well. I have 3 children. One is 17 and is a “typical” kid and I have twins who are almost 5 years old and both are on the spectrum. My parents call all the time so ask if my older son can go to their house, or accompany them to certain events. But RARELY do they even think about asking about my twins going. If I am unable to go with them on outings or get togethers, which happens often due to some issues I have myself, my twins are just left out. I usually have to invite my twins upon them to have them included. For example, just this past Sunday my parents were hosting Easter lunch at their home. One of my sisters was not able to go. But they made sure to get her son that morning to ensure that he was not left out. But when I questioned whether or not they were going to pick up my twins as well when they picked up my older son so they were too included in this family get together (I was too unable to attend) you could immediately hear the irritation in my mothers voice. You could tell she didn’t want to do… but she felt obligated. In fact I think her exact words were “Sure Jamiley, whatever, get their things together’. Shouldn’t she WANT to spend as much time with them as she does the other grandchildren?? She says they are “too much to handle”. I have even made the suggestion that maybe she can get one kid one time and the other kid the next time if that would make it easier. I mean I understand that they are “a lot to handle” at times… God do I understand that. But seriously?? It is soo hurtful to know that two of my children are not as important to her as the other children. When any of my sisters needs an emergency babysitter or when they just want a break I seem to be the “go to” gal for that. But the favor is never returned. One of my sisters has taken my kids twice in almost 5 years. Another one attempted to keep my son overnight but brought him home at 10:00 pm when she could no longer handle it. The other sister has never even offered. My heart breaks for my children who miss out on so much that their cousins get to experience. And then that heartache leads to anger.
JamileyKeller Thank you so much for your honesty.
Rob, I hear ya. I generally don’t hear from my family unless they need something. We all live at least an hour from each other, and there are no phone calls or e-mails unless someone is organizing a family get together at their house. My parents have given and continue to give loads of financial help to my siblings…but not to us. They won’t even donate to local/national autism groups. We have not asked for anything from them over the years, as there are always strings attached.
My folks will take my son a couple times a year during school breaks, but spend most of their time with my younger siblings and their kids. They often get together without us, thinking we don’t know about it. My family literally shrinks away from anything that is not “Perfect”, so I guess the time my son spends with them is the best that can be expected. Maybe they see it as a corporal work of mercy?
Anyway, we don’t take huge trips. We road trip, we camp out, and we go to the local state rec areas for campfires. This is all beneath the rest of my family who has become rather “above” us as their collective wealth has grown, and we live paycheck to paycheck.
I gave up on having any actual physically local friends a LONG time ago. I’ve got a huge virtual network of friends though. For now that works.
mkosmicki1 I’m so sorry this is happening to you. It just sucks when family and friends don’t support us. Please add me to your list of virtual friends. 🙂
I’m sorry, Rob. That totally sucks! yes, I can relate. We go through our struggles, and rarely ask for help, and when we do, like maybe asking a relative to watch our autistic son for a few hours because his school is on break that day and we both have to work, they turn around and flake out. But of course they will watch everyone else’s kids all the time. I often feel like I am on the craplist. We don’t get fancy vacations, tons of outings like my siblings. In fact, we have never had a weekend away fromt he children, ever. Your family deserves more help!
rmagliozzi I think we all deserve more help. What ever happened to “it takes a village”?
I feel it too but with friends. “Mom” friends happily invite me out and I have a nice visit, but I feel invisible sitting there with them. They are talking about this outing, or trip or funny things their kids did, or problems they are having with this and that…all of which I may never experience with my son. I never feel like I can talk about him because the stuff he’s doing…their toddlers did quite awhile ago and it feels silly to even bring it up (one actually thought it was funny that I was so excited that my 7 year old did a BM in the toilet). They never even ask how my son is…even though they’ve known him since he was 6 months old.
My “known forever” friends (whom are unmarried and childless) are more supportive, but if I didn’t call to organize outings/visits with them, it would never happen. They’re busy, we’re busy – but the difference is that they have more variety in their life and opportunity to do things and probably don’t realize/think my life is as mundane and isolating as it is and quite frankly, if they decide to go to a movie at the last minute, I probably wouldn’t be able to join them – but it would be nice to be asked once and awhile.
scrapperdee I totally understand. 🙁
I’ll jump to your family’s defense and say that every other family has issues and problems to deal with… even if they don’t blog about them.
Maybe your brothers and sisters have a lot on their respective plate too that you are unaware of.
@juneinreno that’s kind of you but there’s no need. Non of them have kids and their lives revolve around work and play and drinking. They are bad people just very into their own needs.
I don’t feel forgotten, but I get resentful as all hell listening to what seems like EVERYONE talking about vacations, day trips and fun. Money is tight, and little missy is going through a phase where she refuses to transition from one place to another, so the simple act of going for a walk or getting into the van involves a physical battle leaving me physically and emotionally battered. I’m so jealous and resentful of my family and friends who can throw their kids in the car for a trip to the zoo or a vacation without any of these worries. I know it’s not their fault, and I feel bad about feeling so negative, but dammit, we didn’t do anything to deserve this suffering either.
Yes, absolutely! I don’t think they intentionally do it. I had to tell
my best two girlfriends who are like sisters to me, that, that was
happening. They weren’t aware they were doing it. It got better for a
while, but we are right back to feeling left out or ignored. I don’t
know if it is because they all have typical teenagers and mine seem kind
of frozen in time with their developmental delays or what. It hurts, I
try to get over it. It really isn’t anybody’s fault, I guess, just part
of life. Everyone has a season in your life and you just have to be
thankful for what time you do have. Family too. Mine don’t make much
time for us. It is a little harder, when I live in California and none
of them do, but when they do come, we are but a fraction of priorities. I
still love them and try to forget about the rest.