Does anyone else ever feel like this?

Why is it, that in one moment, I can feel pretty destitute and then a bit later be full of hope? I know that I’m depressed, but outside of that I’m pretty emotionally stable, at least I feel that I am.

There are times during the day when I literally feel the weight of the world on my shoulders. 

I can feel like no matter what I say or do, I’m letting someone down. It’s a pretty horrible feeling that I’ve become accustomed to anymore. At the same time, I recognize that I’m doing everything I physically and emotionally can for my family and everyone else that relies on me for one reason or another.

To be honest, I don’t know that I would really call these mood swings, but I suppose that would be one way to describe it. I think it’s more like a frequent shift in perspective. 

Does that make sense?

I can envision that it’s pretty common for parents in general, let alone special needs parents, to be really hard on themselves.  That’s certainly true as far as I’m concerned.  Personally, I’m really hard on myself for what I perceive is failure. 
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What qualifies as failure? Pretty much anything that falls short of what my wife and kids deserve, at least in my view.  I think that this is one of the reasons that I can feel horrible Sometimes. 

Take Gavin for example.  I can’t tell you how guilty I feel that his life has evolved the way it has.  His health is so fragile and his emotional state is beyond complicated, to say the very very least.  I feel like I should be able to fix him (health wise and mental health wise).  I should be able to remove his burdens and allow him to just be a kid.  For the record, I’m not referring to Autism here.  I’m talking about all his health issues and the serious mental health issues, that plague him. 

At the same time, I know that I’ve done everything in my power to help him and I’m still pushing.

Is it reasonable for me to feel so guilty or feel like a failure?

Honestly, I don’t even know where this post is going anymore.  I think I’ll stop here and leave it as is.  Perhaps it’s something that someone can relate to.  Who knows? It’s just what I was thinking. 

This site is managed almost exclusively from my Samsung Galaxy Note 3. Please forgive any typos as auto-correct HATES me. 😉



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Adriana Ott

Definetly.

Lost and Tired

rjones22 rememberyourdreams96 @Peggy Thompson @Peggie N Mike Moreno-LoRe thanks everyone for sharing.  It’s nice to know that others out there feel the same way. You folks are awesome and I truly appreciate each and every one of you. 🙂

rjones22

i feel guilty for what happended ten years ago and what happended yesterday. I feel like a failure a lot even though I am not. I am up and down during the day but i think that is normal for ex: you have to work unnessisarily to get a prescription filled and it is a dire emergency for real so you feel defeated, then later your kid will eat something new and you are on top of the world. i dont have the answers but you are not alone. You probably feel more because you are not able to fix your son, which probably means you think there is help out there and you havent found it it. I feel the same way about my son. his problem is physical not mental, but I still need to “fix” him. he has to be fixed to have any kind of life. If i dont keep on nobody else will. Your feelings are very reasonable. you are very hard on yourself

Peggy Thompson

oh yes

Peggie N Mike Moreno-LoRe

All the time! Every word you said and more. The failure part especially.

rememberyourdreams96

I’m the only child in my family to have a mental illness, and it’s mild at that.  Even so, my (very, very wonderful) parents can’t fix me.  Sometimes that’s how it is.  Sometimes no matter what you do or how hard you try, it just doesn’t work, or it takes longer than you want it to take.  And that doesn’t mean you’re a failure.  Sometimes life just kind of sucks.
From what I read on your blog, you’re doing a wonderful job with the limited resources you have available.  Perhaps Gavin isn’t “fixed”, but where would he be now if you hadn’t, all along, been doing a wonderful job? I think he’d be far worse off.  So maybe he isn’t at a place he needs to be yet, but that doesn’t mean you haven’t helped.

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