Failure: An honesty post

Those of you that know us know that we love are kids. Those of you that have been with us a while (years) know what we have been through and the lengths we have gone to for our kids, especially Gavin. That being said, I think we have reached the point now where we have begun failing. We can’t seem to get anything done or remember to do anything besides the very basics.

We met with a social worker at Akron Children’s today. We are of course starting over again. They don’t know us from the next family. They may be used to dealing with a certain type of parent. You can see the “client el” during visiting hours. It becomes pretty clear that some of these poor kids are products of their environment or victim of circumstance. The way we were questioned today felt like they thought we were just dumping Gavin off. That really sucks because we feel bad enough that we had to do this in the first place.  I realize that they don’t have the benefit of history with us but we have done everything we can for Gavin, everything.

Dr. Patti always tells us that she doesn’t know how we have survived this long. Her fear was that if we didn’t get help or relief that we would break. We kept pushing forward regardless of the challenges before us. We have overcome many obstacles along the way. Those that have followed us know what I’m referring to. We never failed and we never gave up. I fear, however, that the cracks that have been forming for so long are starting to finally let loose.

I think we have pushed to long and to hard and now have nothing left. We are starting to struggle with the simple everyday things that most people don’t even think about. We are losing track of appointments and even the current day. We are so exhausted all the time. We can’t remember anything anymore. The weight of everything is finally becoming to much to bare. It is becoming more and more obvious that we are in over our heads. We somehow maintained for nearly 10 years. We can’t do it alone anymore. We need to find something we somehow missed along the way. Go back to a fork in the road and choose a different direction. There must be something we missed. I don’t know what else to say. I question everything we do anymore and I have lost confidence in our ability to survive. I feel like we are letting these kids down at every turn. I don’t have the energy be a better parent then I am right now. I’m working really hard to get back in shape so I have more energy for them.

We have bills mounting and collectors calling and no one believes/understands or even cares they just want their money. That adds so much pressure to an already difficult situation. Most people don’t have a clue what this is like. They go about their lives taking everything for granted not realizing how lucky they really are. We don’t get to take anything for granted. We don’t even get a single night of sleep. I don’t think treading water is enough anymore. I have no patients with anyone anymore or at least less then what I need and they deserve. I am overwhelmed and cracking under the presure. I’m also having a hard time stringing thoughts together so I going to bed.

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