Guilt

      5 Comments on Guilt

I’m sitting with Elliott sleeping next to me on the couch (nightmares) and feeling guilty. I hate dead time because all I do is think and analyze the things that have recently occurred. 
Tonight is one of those nights.

Lizze goes to bed very early everyday because she can’t physically go on. So I spend most nights alone with my thoughts,  writing.  However, sometimes I think a bit to much and doesn’t always end well.

Tonight is one of those nights where I feel incredibly guilty.  I feel guilty for not having more patience with Gavin. He just talks nonstop and constantly repeats himself and after awhile it gets to me.

He tries so hard and deserves better from me.  All I can say is that I’m human and can only take so much. However,  I still need to do better.  I really do try but I guess I just need to try harder.  It’s tough to explain but sometimes things have a way of breaking you over time.  Kind of like water errodes away a rock over time. 



I’m far from perfect and nights like tonight,  when all I have is time to think,  I realize just how imperfect I really am. It’s not about ego either.  It’s about my family deserving better than I am giving them.

Does that make sense????

– Lost and Tired

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  • I think you of all people have nothing to feel guilty for. I like the idea of you watching a movie and eating some chocolate cake. The seratonin boost will do you good. You are an unfailing father, husband and pioneer; you give my family hope and when I see all you do, I can’t help feel like I can do more for my son. 🙂

  • My older son is a talker – usually one thing. During therapy they started having him place whatever non-stop topic he’s talking about in an imaginary box for a few minutes. It is now over time that he can leave it there for the day or night. You ate NOT ALONE. I DO understand what you’re experiencing. I wonder what i could have done during pregnancy, or after, that would have removed Autism from both my boys. I’m learning to stop kicking myself. It takes me away from my family and myself.

  • Please do NOT feel guilty!!! You do so much already and there is only so much you can do.I would say though that perhups instead of torturing youself with guilt feelings you should make some ‘Me’ time and just sit down, enjoy a good movie with a huge slice of chocolade cake. I promise this will be better afterwards. Stop looking too much inwards…live continues and there are plenty of chances to do good. I know I have 2 autistic children and an autistic husband and I had to learn the hard way that life is too short for guilt feelings and that I need to look after myself too because if I collapse who will look after my family!!!!!!Take care!!!!!!

  • Alicia says:

    Sometimes my mother looses her patience with me, but I never blame or resent her, I know she tries her best and she regrets latter, I know translating the way I act for something she can understand is not easy. I know when I was young it was even worse.

    For all parents that try the best but are human, I truly believe guilt serves no purpose, but I know that guilt is something that it's hard to make disappear, even when we know we are not guilty.

  • Crissytina says:

    oh my i know exactly how you feel, my son is a constant chatterbox, he constantly wants to know what going to happen next, whats happening tomorrow, what are you doing, why are you doing it, constant running commentary of his activities, and if hes not talkin hes humming or singing, during the day it defiently 'erodes' away at your patiences and occasiaonlly you snap, but as long as you give them big hugs and tell them your sorry, as you say your only human, and they will forgive you 🙂 keep it up ! its not an easy life!