I’ve not been writing as much as I’d like to lately because it’s a bit overwhelming for me right now. That’s the only way I can think to describe it. At the same time, this doesn’t mean I’m drowning or overwhelmed with life in general, though. I actually feel incredibly fortunate because I have a good life and I get to spend it with the people I love.
My stress tends to be work and money related. I suppose those are pretty common things to be stressed out about. Honestly, I feel fortunate here as well because I’m stressed out by something not related to autism, health problems, or behavioral issues. For a large part of my adult life, I was consumed with managing all those things and I felt very much alone. It’s was part of the whole living in survival mode thing.
Today I’m just thinking about money, planning for the future, and some other work related things. I guess I hadn’t realized until writing this that I’ve come such a long way. The things I was stressed out about in the past were largely unfixable. Today, I’m worried about things that I actually have influence over, at least to some extent. That’s a pretty cool feeling and it’s helping me maintain perspective.
I know I keep saying this but if you’d have told me a year ago, that I would be where I am right now, I wouldn’t have believed it possible. I’ve reached a point where I’m worrying about normal things. I hate the word normal but hopefully, you understand what I’m saying. I’ve managed to go from a place where I was desperately trying to help my autistic kids deal with major changes in their lives, not knowing if I was strong enough to do everything alone, never feeling like I was enough, and constantly being worried about losing Gavin to an automatic crisis, or some other bizarre health problem, to being worried about everyday things like money, bills, work, retirement, and the like.
As special needs parents, many of the things we worry about are off the radar of most other people, and understandably so. For the last two decades of my life, I’ve been struggling to survive and keep my family from sinking, all while dealing with challenges that most parents will never have to. My kids and I have come such a long way. Sometimes I get caught up in my current worries and don’t see things for what they are. This is one of the reasons I need to be writing more. Writing helps me to process life, maintain my perspective, and gain a bit more when I need to.
So yeah, it’s been a little while since I’ve written. I’m worried about some things but you know what? My kids are doing great. I did find the strength to keep going. I’ve learned that I’m enough, and I’m no longer alone.
To be able to put so much of this behind me it pretty amazing. I’m grateful to worrying about the things I have left to worry about. I never want to lose this perspective and I hope that maybe you can apply some of this to your life. I feel pretty goddamn good today. ☺