My brain is fried and my heart is broken

If there are any grammar errors, I’ll fix them in the morning.  I can’t keep my eyes open and I’m going to bed.  

I’m going to try and sum up everything as best I can.  If this doesn’t make sense to anyone, please know my brain is fried and my heart is broken. I’m doing the best I can at this point.

Let me begin by saying that this was one of the most difficult appointments we’ve had in a very long time.  I’m really exhausted after today but I’ll do my best to have this make sense.

I also spoke to both sets of grandparents prior to writing this because I wanted to bring them up to speed before they read about it here.

With that said, here’s what we’re facing.
We only had to wait about 30 minutes to be seen and our appointment lasted the better part of an hour.

Gavin started things out by bringing Dr. Reynolds up to speed on his latest missions. This was important because it allowed Dr. Reynolds to see first hand what Gavin’s experiencing and helped to give him a better understanding of what we’re dealing with.

Gavin told Dr. Reynolds everything he wanted to tell him, before it was his turn to answer some questions about the way his world works and things like that.

We then sent back out to the waiting room while the grownups had a very unpleasant and brutally honest conversation. Talking about this stuff in front of Gavin isn’t something and I are comfortable with.

Here’s the long and short of it.

Gavin’s worse now than he’s ever been before and just to get this out of the way, it has nothing to do with Lizze moving home. This is the progressive nature of what Gavin has going on.  It’s no one’s fault and this would have happened regardless.

It’s very important to remember that correlation does not always equal causation.

We were taken aback by Dr. Reynolds saying that this is much worse than when he was younger because Gavin was unmanageable back then. He was completely delusional and experiencing very dark hallucinations. Behaviorally, he wasn’t safe to have in the house and spent time in the psych unit of Akron Children’s Hospital close to a dozen times in less than three years.

Those behavioral issues are long since gone but unfortunately, the degree to which his delusions have become  fixed and how much more consuming his hallucinations have gotten, simply isn’t good.



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  • I’m really sorry to hear all this. I can only hope your interventions work.

    I’ve had a psychotic break before and for my it was absolutely terrifying. For me, not so much, because in a sense, I wasn’t there. I don’t remember much of it. And I was more or less back to normal within two weeks. I’m lucky.

    • Hey Meaghan Good,

      Thanks alot for your kind words. I remember you telling me that before and I’m glad it was short lived for you. I’m grateful that at least Gavin’s happy and not miserable while going through this.

  • Hey Meaghan Good,

    Thanks alot for your kind words. I remember you telling me that before and I’m glad it was short lived for you. I’m grateful that at least Gavin’s happy and not miserable while going through this.

  • Wouldn’t it be in Gavin’s best interest to be admitted to hospital while they do this dangerous med increase so that he can be closely monitored? Not that you are incapable of monitoring him but if the increase causes something catastrophic, wouldn’t it be better to have medical intervention immediately on hand? Just a thought

    • That was my first thought too. Again, not to suggest that you aren’t capable of caring for him, but it seems like since he’s a (potential) harm to himself, it may be an option?

    • I thought about that as well and we’ve had to do that in the past in order to ween him off of medications. The thing with is that any life threatening aren’t sudden. The one people worry about is the devastating impact on white blood cells. Gavin’s never had anything like that and is monitored weekly for that reason.

      The red tape we have to go through helps to ensure everything is safe before we get each refill.

      The other side effects are very rare as well but overactive blader is one of them and that has hit pretty hard.

      I feel comfortable managing this at home but if that changes, he’ll be taken somewhere else.

      I appreciate your concern and understand where you’re coming from. Thanks again…..

  • That was my first thought too. Again, not to suggest that you aren’t capable of caring for him, but it seems like since he’s a (potential) harm to himself, it may be an option?

  • Very hard, very difficult. You all are in .

  • I thought about that as well and we’ve had to do that in the past in order to ween him off of medications. The thing with is that any life threatening aren’t sudden. The one people worry about is the devastating impact on white blood cells. Gavin’s never had anything like that and is monitored weekly for that reason.

    The red tape we have to go through helps to ensure everything is safe before we get each refill.

    The other side effects are very rare as well but overactive blader is one of them and that has hit pretty hard.

    I feel comfortable managing this at home but if that changes, he’ll be taken somewhere else.

    I appreciate your concern and understand where you’re coming from. Thanks again…..

  • Thanks Becky…. ☺

  • Thanks for all the well wishes and concerend comments 🙂

  • We’ve started the increase and and I’ll have a post up late explaining all of that.

  • I feel for you, your , and especially your son. FWIW, my son had a really tough time of it as a child/teen. (He is now age 28.) Been there, done that with the psychosis, the hard-to-treat, the hospitalizations, residential treatment centers, etc. So I can offer some advice: (1) Our kids are VERY rare. Even the best docs have only experienced a few of them. I would urge you to look outside your area, even outside your state, for second opinions, treatment places and suggestions from professionals. There is no one standard protocol for kids like this; a lot is trial and error. (2) No doc can truly tell you what your son will look like as an adult. Hormones and growth are part of the issues. My son required dramatically more as a kid than as an adult…and he is far more stable as an adult. Anyone who tells you the future is just guessing – there is no definitive study on kids like yours and mine. (3) I absolutely understand the desire to manage it at home, to avoid hospitals, to consider residential treatment as a failure. I was there! But…I can tell you that, as an adult, my son has THANKED me for sending him for such treatment. He has said he learned some things about himself that he could NEVER have learned at home. So try not to be so hard on yourself. Hospitals and RTC’s exist for a reason. Using them is NOT failure. (4) FWIW, someone taught me early on to keep in mind that MY #1 job was to keep my son ALIVE until he reached the age of 18. At that point, HE could decide what treatment, if any, he wanted. Sometimes that required me to focus on health over or hospitaliziation for safety over wanting him in my arms at home. Good luck.