How many times can one father’s heart break? Too many. The answer is too many. 

I don’t feel really positive right now and that bothers me.  Unfortunately, the reality is that sometimes life just sucks. Life is unfair and cruel at times and it feels like Gavin has had a disproportionate amount come his way.

Gavin’s still hallucinating and frankly, things are getting worse.



He’s becoming very preoccupied with his visibly challenged group of super best friends and is spending less time in the reality that the rest of us live in.

His friends are always coming with him now and he’s involving them in his decision making.

This morning he drew a picture of Twilight Sparkle’s Midnight form. Twilight Sparkle is one of his visibly challenged super best friends.



Before he drew her in this particular form (seen below), he told me that he needed to ask her permission first. Apparently, this Midnight form was evil or something like that and he wanted to make sure it was okay with her that he drew her like that.

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My first thought was, that was nice of him to consider her feelings.  Then I realized that he was considering her feelings. He was considering the feelings of a cartoon character that has none.
It’s sweet of him to do that and I think it goes to highlight his remarkable character. In fact, I’m even proud of him for doing that, as weird as that may sound.

The concern is that he’s further blending these two worlds together and becoming even more confused.

It’s really hard to watch him go through this and it’s only getting worse. He’s also becoming more and more oblivious to the things going on around him.

I share this next part because it helps to pull this all into context.

Gavin and I went to the grocery store today, in order to get some things for school lunches and dinner.  I had asked Gavin to change out of his sweatshirt because it was too hot outside for him to wear it.

We did our shopping and as we were walking out of the store, I realized that Gavin had put his Polo shirt on inside out.

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I didn’t say anything to him at this point because I knew how he would react and we were already done and getting into the car so I figured we’d address it at home.

We’re at a stop light and Gavin’s begins staring at his shirt.  I can see the gears trying to turn as he’s staring at himself, as though he knows somethings wrong but can’t figure out what it is.
I asked him what was wrong and he tells me that the logo of his shirt had fallen off. Are you sure that’s what happened, I asked him. He replies with what else could it be?.?

The shirt is obviously inside out, especially when you’re up close and personal. I hadn’t noticed it right away because I was distracted but there’s no mistaking that it’s inside out.

I kept encouraging him to look a little closer but he was convinced that the logo had just fallen off.

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10 Comments on "How many times can one father’s heart break? Too many. The answer is too many. "

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Jimmy Rock
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I’m sorry about Gavin’s condition and what he and all of you are going through. I do have a question though — Gavin has CDD, which, as you’ve said, sadly results in irreversible regression. However, you’ve also referred to his periods of heightened delusions and regressions as cycles, from which Gavin ultimately regains his losses. In this post you seem to refer to CDD and the cycles interchangeably. Are the cycles of regression separate and apart from the CDD? They don’t seem to fit in with what is seen, by definition, in the CDD context. From what I understand, CDD… Read more »
Rob Gorski
Guest
Okay. I don’t really know how to answer that but let me try. Gavin was diagnosed with CDD within the last year and that diagnosis took about 10 years to get. Gavin has gone through periods where he’s more lucid and firing on a few more cylinders for most of his life. He also goes through periods of time where he simply regresses. Sometimes he will be able to relearn the skills he lost and other times he can’t. We’ve taken to calling these cycles but I guess they really aren’t.. They’re sorta random. The cycles I referred to most… Read more »
Jimmy Rock
Guest

No apology necessary, it’s a bit clearer now, or at least as clear as I suppose any of this can be. Thanks for the further explanation. This can’t be easy to navigate through.

Rob Gorski
Guest

Thanks Jimmy and you’re welcome.. ☺

Jimmy Rock
Guest
I’m sorry about Gavin’s condition and what he and all of you are going through. I do have a question though — Gavin has CDD, which, as you’ve said, sadly results in irreversible regression. However, you’ve also referred to his periods of heightened delusions and regressions as cycles, from which Gavin ultimately regains his losses. In this post you seem to refer to CDD and the cycles interchangeably. Are the cycles of regression separate and apart from the CDD? They don’t seem to fit in with what is seen, by definition, in the CDD context. From what I understand, CDD… Read more »
Rob Gorski
Guest
Okay. I don’t really know how to answer that but let me try. Gavin was diagnosed with CDD within the last year and that diagnosis took about 10 years to get. Gavin has gone through periods where he’s more lucid and firing on a few more cylinders for most of his life. He also goes through periods of time where he simply regresses. Sometimes he will be able to relearn the skills he lost and other times he can’t. We’ve taken to calling these cycles but I guess they really aren’t.. They’re sorta random. The cycles I referred to most… Read more »
Jimmy Rock
Guest

No apology necessary, it’s a bit clearer now, or at least as clear as I suppose any of this can be. Thanks for the further explanation. This can’t be easy to navigate through.

Rob Gorski
Guest

Thanks Jimmy and you’re welcome.. ☺

Teresa
Guest

I can’t relate, but I am so sorry you all are going through this. I cannot imagine how hard it is.