Insight into the fear and self-doubt that’s keeping this #Autism Dad awake tonight

So often parents of kids with or suffer in silence. We don’t always ask for help or tell people the truth about how we’re really feeling, if we’re ever asked.

As I’m trying to help people understand what parents like myself go through on a daily basis, I’m going to share what’s keeping me awake tonight.

These are my innermost thoughts that only myself and my wife are ever really aware of.  I rarely talk about this stuff anymore because they aren’t things that I’m proud of and frankly, I don’t always have the courage to share this stuff publicly.
As I’m laying in bed tonight, I’m overwhelmed by fear, self-doubt and feelings of utter failure.

I feel like I’m failing my kids for a million reasons and on many different levels. I’m not giving them the lives they deserve.

I’m not keeping up with the bills, despite my best efforts and I’m having to shunt every last dime into bolstering our grossly inadequate grocery budget.

I can’t even keep toilet paper in the house right now.

There were so many things I was looking forward to doing with the kids this Summer and just about everything failed to get off the ground.

Usually it’s because we just don’t have the money. I can’t even take the kids Pokémon hunting right now because I have 1/16 of a tank of gas in the car and I’m flat broke until Thursday.  I don’t even know how I’m going to get the kids to this coming week.

I guess I need to start counting change at this point.

We can’t really walk around our neighborhood or spend much time outside because it’s become a shithole of drugs, violence and utter craziness. It’s not always physically safe and I just don’t like taking chances, especially considering that we’ve been involved in a drive by and had someone gutted in front of our house in recent years.

Just the other night we had what turned out to be a big drug bust in the house directly behind mine.  That’s always nice to know.

Moving isn’t an option either because it’s not financially possible.

There was a point this year where we were actually doing pretty well. I felt like I was finally able to breathe and then we get two letters within three weeks of each other claiming that SSI had overpaid for Emmett and earlier in the year. This was total bullshit because the payments are set in stone and nothing was ever overpaid but now we’re being docked until it’s all paid back.

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